The high school cafeteria is full when she enters. She looks around, spots her friends, and walks toward them. There is one spot left, just for her. Kristi likes these days, when she�s a little late and everybody�s already waiting. These days she knows this loud bubbly group of girls are her friends. They saved her a spot after all, didn�t they? So she sits down in her spot and smiles at them. Kristi doesn�t talk much. She prefers the sound of her thoughts inside her head; they sound so smart and elegant, but they never come out that way. People always look at her strangely when she gives voice to these thoughts, even her friends. So she keeps them in her head where they please her just as much as they, when spoken aloud, confound everyone else. Kristi has this way of making people uncomfortable. It�s not something that you can put your finger on, but it�s there. Physically, she�s an average looking girl: 5�5, 130 pounds, brown hair, brown eyes. She doesn�t bother with the latest fashions, but she looks presentable. She�s conventionally attractive, though she takes no interest in boys, and they too leave her alone. Most people say that if you had to pin it down to one thing, what it is precisely that�s bothersome about her, it�s her eyes. She has big open eyes, almost like a wise owl calling �hooo� (or is it really asking �who�?), that somehow demand something that people are not prepared to give her. Although she�s seventeen, her eyes are somewhat childlike, seeking the absolute truth that children long for. And people in this world rarely tell the truth about anything, let alone about their innermost thoughts, which is exactly what Kristi wants. She is not a hypocritical person, though. She is prepared to give others what she seeks. Unfortunately, people aren�t able to receive the absolute truth either. So Kristi stays quiet and tries not to look people in the eye. But she doesn�t really mind. She likes to think her thoughts, and she doesn�t want to make people uncomfortable, so she doesn�t mind looking down most of the time. As long as other people are around, she�s generally happy. The other people make her feel safe. She is alone inside her head and body, and other people help her from being alone in the world. If she were truly alone, Kristi doesn�t know what would happen. Her absolute truths could take her places that even she�s not yet ready to go. But when others are around, she can listen to them, and enjoy a short break from herself. It�s hard being completely honest with yourself all the time. And this is why Kristi dreads the other days, like last Friday.
Her math class had gotten out early, like it always does, and so Kristi went on to lunch. The cafeteria was empty except for a few other students from her class. She brought her lunch, so she didn�t even get to waste a little time in line. She went to the table where she and her friends usually sit; she was the first one there. As kids trickled in, no one sat with her. This, however a partial insult, is mostly a relief, because Kristi would rather sit with her friends than with strangers. Her friends understand why she rarely talks, and always looks down. Strangers have to learn why, and it�s not worth the hassle to Kristi. She knows no one in this school can give her what she wants. So she sits at the table alone and takes out her lunch. She begins to eat slowly. If she eats too fast, she�ll be done before her friends are, and then she won�t have anything to concentrate on, and she might have to look at them. So she takes tiny bites out of her sandwich and chews them slowly. She takes little glances up to see if any of her friends have walked in, and then quickly looks down, so as not to catch anyone�s eye. On her third bite, and thus her third furtive glance, she sees her friends at the end of the lunch line. One by one they pay, and walk toward her. She begins to panic. They wave to their other friends, and Kristi fears they will all go sit with someone else and leave her alone. The first girl in the bunch goes over to talk to someone at another table, and Kristi�s heart jumps into her throat. She stares at the girl, until she looks at Kristi. Horrified that she�s made the situation even worse, Kristi looks down and eats her sandwich. She refuses to look up again. Slowly her friends fill the seats around her, but one remains empty. Just as she�s giving up hope of that one girl sitting across from her, just as she�s about to look up and seal her fate, the girl sits down. She looks right into Kristi�s face and smiles. �You�re so strange sometimes Kristi.�
neb 2/2/04
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