Need
advice on how to live?
ASK THE PITUITARY GLAND!
Dear Pituitary Gland,
There’s this gril at my scool thats rilly hot and I love her and
I aksed her out but she calld me a fag. What shoud I do?
Not A Fag In North Bay
Dear Not A Fag,
Lots of “grils” think that boys are fags if they aren’t
built like oxen. What you should do is pump up and beat on some younger
kids, and she will be impressed. Also, try and wear clothes that sport
bold brand names like Nike®, Tommy Hilfiger™, or sports franchises
(avoid nerd branding like Microsoft®, Lego® and Xena™).
On the other hand, maybe you are gay. Are you gay? It’s okay to
be gay!
The Pituitary Gland
Dear Pituitary Gland,
Yesterday I came home to find my mother in bed with a man who as far
as I know, is not my father. When the man who claims to be my father
came home, my mother acted as though she had been cooking and cleaning
all day, and not fucking a total stranger. She has offered me two hundred
dollars to keep my mouth shut, but I want to buy an iPod® which
costs considerably more than two hundred dollars. What would you do?
Cash Strapped in Sarnia
Dear Cash Strapped,
I think the real question here is: What would Jesus do? He might suggest
that you do the right thing by telling your father, consequently destroying
your relationship with your mother, your father’s relationship
with your mother, and your chances of quickly securing an iPod®.
On the other hand, the manufacturers of iPod® might suggest that
you hit your mother up for the full price of an iPod®. If that’s
not doable, I would suggest taking the two hundred dollars from your
mother, and selling the truth to your father for the remainder. Your
family is fucked anyway, so at least one of you should come out on top!
The Pituitary Gland
Dear Pituitary Gland,
What is a drupe?
Baffled on Baffin Island
Dear Baffled,
A drupe is a fleshy or pulpy stone-fruit, like a plum or an olive.
The Pituitary Gland
Dear Pituitary Gland,
I’m completely, head-over-heels in love with that guy from Coldplay.
You know the band, Coldplay? The guy who had a baby with Gwyneth Paltrow.
You know the guy? He’s the singer. I love him, and now I want
to have his baby too. I would name the baby “Coldplay.”
Lovelorn in Lethbridge
Dear Lovelorn,
It’s likely that you’re not going to get anywhere near that
guy from Coldplay at any point in your life. Why don’t you just
have a baby with somebody else and name it “Coldplay?” Lots
of potential fathers wouldn’t care, they just want to fuck.
The Pituitary Gland
Dear Pituitary Gland,
Are you a real person, or are you a staff of writers writing under the
guise of “The Pituitary Gland?”
Skeptical in Kapuskasing
Dear Skeptical,
I am not a staff of writers, nor am I a real person. I am a pituitary
gland.
The Pituitary Gland
Dear Pituitary Gland,
My wife’s birthday is coming up but I don’t get paid until
the end of the month. I’ve been thinking about pawning some of
her old jewellery to buy her some new jewellery, and then when I get
paid, I’ll buy back her old jewellery and she’ll be none
the wiser. Do you think that’s a good idea?
Broke in Bracebridge
Dear Broke,
Why don’t you give her some of her old jewellery and pretend that
it’s new jewellery? You seem to think your wife is stupid, so
go ahead and cut out the middle man!
The Pituitary Gland
Dear Pituitary Gland,
One of my associates at work is having a clandestine affair with a woman
from an office on another floor. I know my associate is married, and
I’ve met his wife, who seems like a lovely person. He often calls
his wife during work hours, pretending that everything is okay, and
telling her that he loves her. Then he has lunch with the woman downstairs.
I got his home number from our office directory—should I call
his wife and tell her? She deserves to know the truth.
Observant in Oshawa
Dear Observant,
I hate people like you
The Pituitary Gland
