| Unholy Rollers Directed by Vernon Zimmerman ( U.S.A �1972) Although many consider professional wrestling to be the most unusual of athletic endeavors, there is a more worthy contender to that title. Roller Derby is an unusual hybrid of roller skating, pro-wrestling, and the good old fashioned demolition derby. It was a sport that made for great television, and enjoyed its greatest popularity in the late sixties, and early seventies. This popularity led to a feature called Kansas City Bomber, starring Raquel Welch. It performed reasonably well at the box office, inspiring Roger Corman to produce his own Roller Derby movie. Thankfully he surpassed Kansas City Bomber by throwing in all of those great exploitation elements that we all know and love. Karen Walker (played by Playboy playmate Claudia Jennings) works in a cat food cannery in L.A. I realize that there�s a pussy joke in there somewhere, but I won�t go there. Feel free to insert your own bad pun here. She�s sick and tired of those cat food cans that just keep rolling down the conveyor belt, and even more tired of being groped by her sleazy supervisor. She just knows that there are bigger and better things out there for a girl with a killer instinct. �I don�t need this crap!� a frustrated Karen tells a colleague as the rancid smelling cat food rolls by along with the best days of her life. �There�s a lotta jobs I could get. And I definitely don�t need this stupid job. I�m getting� oughtta here!�. And with that, she quits in a fit of anger. Always the most satisfying way to leave a job. Her roommate Donna couldn�t be happier for her. She�s been hounding Karen to quit that lame job for years, and find something a little less demeaning. Like her job stripping in a club on Sunset Boulevard. Having had the misfortune of working in a factory myself for an extended period once upon a time, I have to admit that she�s got a point. But fortune is smiling on our little Karen. They�re holding Roller Derby tryouts at a nearby rink. Those fortunate enough to be selected will be drafted by one of the two hottest teams on the planet; the L.A. Avengers, and their bitter rivals the San Diego Demons. The tryouts are presided over by Mr. Sturt, the owner of the Roller Derby League. His first request to the hundreds of hopefuls is for those who can�t roller skate to leave the arena. Surprisingly, half of the gathered throng disperses. Why did they bother trying out in the first place? It�s a bit like a one legged man trying to win an arse kicking contest. �Where do you find these idiots?� Sturt asks his son-in-law Marshall as the skaters vie for attention on the track. Marshall tells the old man that he found a lot of them at unemployment agencies, and bumming money on the streets. If there�s a better way to search for excellence, I�ve yet to see it. Walker seems to be the best of the worst. She realises that if she fails here her next place of employment will be the dog food cannery. An impressed Sturt signs her right away. As she enters the league, Karen is briefed on what Roller Derby is all about along with other new recruits. The instructor shows them how to stage spectacular skirmishes on the track with minimal injury, and points out the most television friendly parts of the circuit. But she soon learns that despite whatever path she takes, she�s always going to be groped. Doc Morgan is the league physician, and he literally has a hands on approach to his work. �Don�t you use instruments?� Walker asks him during her physical. �Young woman, the human hand is the most efficient instrument ever devised� the twisted physician drools in a seemingly well rehearsed reply. �Are you a real doctor?� Karen counters. The Doc hasn�t prepared himself for such a potentially embarrassing question. As he ponders whether one of those seventeen day correspondence courses advertised at the back of the National Enquirer counts, the captain of the L.A. Avengers enters the room looking for pills. Morgan can�t remember what he gave Micki Morgan last time. �What did they look like?� he asks absent-mindedly. �Were they red? Blue?�. �I don�t know� they were pills� she replies. Obviously Doc Morgan went to the same medical school as Elvis� General Practitioner, because he hands Micki several jars of non-prescription medicine. As Karen skates her way to glory with the Avengers, she soon becomes a fan favorite due to her athletic ability and charisma. Naturally, her other teammates are jealous. Some drinks after a game result in a catfight in a Venice pool hall. The rest of the film depicts Walker�s meteoric rise, and subsequent fall from grace. Fame goes to her head as she blows her earnings on new furniture, and new cars. �I�m not a normal person� she reminds a teammate at one point in the film. Karen even gets the L.A. Avengers symbol tattooed on her forearm. It�s about as ladylike as a monster truck. A new Avenger named Beverly is recruited, and all of the sudden Karen Walker is yesterday�s news. The public have a new pin-up girl. Micki and the other girls are delighted that their arrogant teammate is being upstaged by Beverly. But the ex-canner isn�t going to slip into obscurity without a fight. She comes up with a plan to cause maximum mayhem at the next Roller Derby broadcast, and to make it a night that neither the L.A. Avengers or the San Diego Devils will ever forget. This film has a good deal of curiosity value, because it is one of the few celluloid efforts to cash in on the Roller Derby craze. It has plenty of catfights, nudity, and sleaze in general to keep things interesting for the average film fan. Martin Scorsese is credited as an editor at the beginning of the film; like many now prominent filmmakers, he got his start in exploitation. It�s just a pity that Roller Derby faded into obscurity. It looks like it would have been quite a spectacle on a flickering television set during the early seventies. Still, Unholy Rollers is a pretty good way to find out more about Roller Derby. Keep an eye out for a character named Horace� he looks like an overgrown Ralphus from Bloodsucking Freaks. Entertainment : 3 out of 4 Watchability : 2 out of 4 Overall : 2.5 out of 4 Reviewed by Blake |