| Ironmaster Directed by Umberto Lenzi (France/Italy �1983) Box office successes have always been imitated by studios large and small; eager to replicate that elusive winning formula. For every blockbuster, there are a hundred knockoffs desperate to bask in the glow while it lasts. The violent John Milius sword and sandal fantasy Conan the Barbarian(1982) was one such inspiration. It cemented bodybuilder Arnold Schwarzenegger's place as one of the biggest action film icons of the eighties, and was the catalyst for a minor wave of Conan inspired bargain basement muscleman quickies. The Italians were no strangers to the sword and sandal genre. Indeed, they were the pioneers of this sporadic style of filmmaking that enjoyed its most popular period throughout the sixties. Ironically, these European films undoubtedly played a major role in Conan�s inception. A number of knockoffs were hastily produced, and rushed into theatres throughout 1983. They ranged from the near unwatchable Ator the Fighting Eagle (a career low point for the prolific Joe D�Amato), to the confusingly surreal Lucio Fulci outing Conquest. One of the most entertaining Italian Conan inspired efforts of 1983 was this film. Ironmaster is set in far more primitive times than the Schwarzenegger sword and sorcery franchise. It is in fact set in the stone age. A tribe of baby oiled cavemen led by the wise Chief Exay are eking out a living in the shadow of an angry volcano. Exay has two sons. Vood (played by the always entertaining George Eastman) is his evil ambitious son, and Aylah is his humble responsible son. Aylah looks a lot like a long haired steroid riddled version of Peter Fonda. Exay believes Vood to be too reckless to lead the tribe when he finally departs for the great cave in the sky. The tribal holy man Rah is more forgiving of Vood�s youthful zest, and councils his Chief that the angry firstborn son will mature in time. Seemingly clairvoyance isn�t a strong point for the tribal shaman. Exay�s people are facing a food shortage crisis. The rumblings of the active volcano have scared just about every animal that looks remotely tasty away from their hunting grounds. So now we know exactly how lacking our primitive ancestors were in basic intelligence� they�re still living below the smoking mountain. The one other animal as uniformly stupid as Exay and the tribe are the buffalo that run in herds throughout the film. They appear so frequently in Ironmaster that you could be forgiven for thinking that you�re watching Dances With Wolves. Unfortunately the tribe aren�t Sioux Indians, and Kevin Costner is nowhere to be seen. �How can we bring down a buffalo with sticks and stones?� a tribesman ponders, lamenting the clan�s lack of technological know-how. Fortunately, a keen eyed scout spots some wild pigs in a nearby valley. After a cryptic warning from Rah the mystical John Edwards wannabe to �be careful� others are in search of prey�, the men of the tribe commence the hunt. As they stealthily sneak up on the gathering of wild boar in a shady valley forest, the men display a distinct lack of hunting prowess by yelling at the top of their voices upon nearing the small group of animals. Naturally, the porkers take flight at the banshee howls of their tormentors. No wonder the tribe are starving if this is a regular hunting ritual. Because this is an Umberto Lenzi film, we see a pig gored by a tribesman. Which is just another example of why you�ll never see a �no animals were harmed during the making of this picture� disclaimer at the end of one of his films. Meanwhile, the women and children of the village are being menaced by a lion. Well, that�s the general idea. Actually, the treebound king of the jungle looks to be off its face on cheap pharmaceutical tranquelisers. It haphazardly falls (or is pushed) from the branch as it decides to attack the terrified followers of Exay. The whole scene really leads nowhere, and serves no purpose (apart from comic relief of course), and soon it�s back to the hunt. As the triumphant hunters carry their pork prize back to the village, they�re attacked by a rival clan known as the marsh men. The marsh men are a more primitive tribe who are smeared in mud. Although they aren�t as high on the evolutionary ladder as Exay�s tribe, they do have better skin. They attack with bolasses, and several of their intended targets are hit right between the eyes by the swinging strung stones. Vood lunges forward, and mystifyingly launches his spear at no one in particular as his tribe retaliates. In the heat of battle, the ambitious Vood uses the opportunity to lop the top off his fathers head with a stone axe while he thinks that nobody�s looking. In the goriest scene of the film, the brain exposed Exay collapses dramatically while the primitive Menendez leers away. Unfortunately for Vood, a shocked Aylah saw the whole thing. Surprisingly, he doesn�t think to mention it to the rest of the mourning tribe later that evening. The first that anyone hears of it is after the funeral ceremony, when Rah tells Aylah and Vood that one of them will be the new chief as soon as the next day dawns. �He killed Exay!� Aylah blurts out, pointing the finger of guilt at his brother. �He�s a murderer and a traitor, and he�s got to pay for what he�s done!�. Interestingly enough, Lenzi doesn�t follow the tired old formula here. Vood doesn�t protest his innocence, or accuse Aylah of being the killer, or even have his brother thrown into a bamboo cage so that he can escape and stop him (that cliche comes later in the film). He swings his stone axe at Aylah, and misses. Vood has to be the most lacklustre tribal warrior of all time. He can�t aim a spear to save his soul, and couldn�t hit a barn door at two yards with a flint axe. It�s a wonder he�s survived so long in such an inhospitable time with so few life skills. It isn�t a total miss though� the wayward axe buries itself in Rah�s neck. Even holy men can�t live with a severed jugular vein. Deciding to quit while he�s about a hundred miles behind, Vood flees into the woods. �Vood has spilled the blood of our tribe. He is no longer one of us. From now on, he can be hunted like an animal� Aylah declares after being selected as the new leader of the tribe. But things are finally looking on the up and up for the ostracized killer. As he runs around the foot of the bubbling volcano, he notices that some molten iron ore has spilled into a narrow cavity and cooled. The resultant artifact closely resembles a sword. And much like the guy who came up with the Hills Hoist clothesline, Vood realises that he�s onto something. He uses his new weapon to rule every one of the local tribes, and even establishes a sword assembly line of sorts to equip his new army with the invincible weapon. Aylah is banished from the tribe once Vood takes over, and is relegated to living in a region inhabited by violent simian like creatures (with impressive make-up). After fighting his way past the Planet of the Apes inspired humanoids, Aylah joins a peacenik tribe of vegetarian cavemen (now there�s a concept) who deplore violence of any kind. Naturally, the peaceniks are forced to devise a weapon even more powerful than Vood�s iron swords (no prizes for guessing what that weapon is) when their village is placed under threat. Lenzi seems to subscribe to the �Always walk softly, but carry a big stick�. Ironmaster makes a valid point that diplomacy only ever works with the reasonable. Much like Blastfighter, Ironmaster overcomes its derivative handicap by giving the audience more of what they were hoping for from the original in spade loads. Like many exploitation films, it knows that it�s campy, tasteless, and over the top; and revels in it. Entertainment : 3 out of 4 Watchability : 3 out of 4 Overall : 3 out of 4 Reviewed by Blake |