| Movies based around the �real life� exploits of nudist camps had been lucrative money spinners for shrewd exploitation producers in the fifties; but after a few years the basic nudist documentary had become a little pass�. So it was up to trash filmmakers to inject something new into the genre to renew interest. Director Barry Mahon does just that with The Beast that Killed Women. A credit in the opening sequence informs us that the stars of the film are �Miami Beach�s lovely nudists�. It begins with a shell-shocked naturist being interviewed by police in a hospital ward. He�s just survived an horrific experience at a Miami nudist camp. Because it�s the good old pre-litigation days, the bed ridden man is able to calm his nerves with a soothing menthol cigarette that�s bound to relax him and restore his healthy glow. The detective asks him how he came to be at the resort that fateful night. �Well, my wife�s a nudist� he explains. �For that matter, so am I�. He tells the detective that he and his wife were relaxing the morning after a wild party. We see his wife in their backyard, trying to get a decent tan. He enters the scene just in time to stop her taking her top off, and asks her why she can�t just leave it on. �I�m trying to get an even tan� she explains. �But it�s impossible with this on�. Her husband reminds her about old Mr. Smith on the second floor. She listens to reason, then suggests that they go to the only place where a self respecting girl can get an even tan� their local nudist colony. He thinks that it�s a great idea. But unfortunately the popular camp is booked out. Even though their plans of even tans are put on hold, it doesn�t stop us from getting a voyeuristic view of the resort. We see a bevy of naturists frolicking in and around the camp. We see a game of naked croquet, and other wholesome nudist activities. Fortunately director Barry Mahon doesn�t subject us to the horrors of nude twister� that would just be plain tasteless. As far as nudists go, this is a fairly conservative group. Most seem to be wearing shorts or panties, and their idea of a wild nighttime activity is sitting around a pathetically small bonfire fully clothed before going to bed at a reasonable hour. I never realised that nudists were so boring. Thankfully though, something of interest is about to happen. It�s late at night, and all the good little nudists are in bed. A gorilla appears out of nowhere; and after hamming it up for the camera, the primate sneaks into one of the Fijian huts down by the lake. The beast lifts up a screaming girl in a fireman�s carry, and kills her in a clearing near the water. Other nudists hear the screams, but they�re hardly dressed for a moonlight investigation. Fortunately the dead girl is fully dressed. So she�s at least spared the shame of being discovered the next morning bludgeoned to death without any clothes on. Imagine how embarrassing that would be. The next day, a nude couple discover the girl lying face down in the clearing. Because she�s fully clothed, they surmise that she didn�t die of exposure. They realise that she was probably murdered, and run away screaming. The police arrive, and so does an ambulance to remove the body. The nudists are restless. Who could have done such a ghastly thing? Still, it�s the most exciting thing to happen to the rather dull camp in a very long time. �They�re taking the body away in an ambulance� one nudist excitedly tells another. �You wanna see? Come on!�. The ambulance crew stretchers the body right through a nail biting game of nude volleyball. It doesn�t affect the form of the players though. They simply shrug their shoulders and resume play moments later. Other naturists are a little more concerned. �I just can�t relax� one unhappy camper tells the other girls in the ladies locker room. It�s the most ill at ease she�s felt since that recurring dream she had a few nights back. The one where she�s walking down the street and wonders why everyone is staring at her until she realises that she has clothes on. Her and a few of the other nudists decide to leave. Those that stay have a rather cavalier attitude to the horrible murder that occurred the night before. �Something like that couldn�t happen again� one nudist is heard to remark in an outpouring of false bravado. Famous last words. Although the camp is empty that evening, things are pretty much back to abnormal. Some of the naturists are engaging in what looks to be a nude version of Riverdance. And surprisingly, it actually looks less ridiculous when performed naked. Fortunately for our star couple, the mass exodus of nudists means that there are now plenty of vacancies at the camp. Perhaps the little lady will be able to get that even tan away from the prying eyes of old Mr. Smith after all. But once again, the gorilla is on the prowl. It throws the husband into the lake like a rag doll, and pursues his wife with more gusto than Roman Polanski at a Miss Teen U.S.A pageant. Fortunately for her, she runs into the owner of the camp. He races into his office to get a gun. I�m not sure why he needs a gun in a nudist camp. Nude skeet shooting perhaps? But by now the gorilla has once again disappeared into the woods, so he calls the cops. The woman is questioned while her husband is taken to hospital. She claims that whatever attacked them was �big and hairy�. Despite their suspicions, it�s soon established that the attacker wasn�t porn star Ron Jeremy, but an escaped gorilla. �I first thought it was somebody in some kind of monkey suit� the lake drenched husband tells investigators. That�s funny� that�s just what I was thinking while watching The Beast that Killed Women. The cops are clueless, but have a plan to catch the sex crazed beast. They decide to use a blonde bombshell policewoman as bait the following evening as this oddball nudist monster movie just gets even more strange. |
| The Beast that Killed Women (1965) |