Here's a little something that was supposed to go on the About This Website page but it ended up getting long as hell so I put it here. Now read it, damn you. Free Webhosts That Want Your Soul First up is Geocities Geocities is dirty and it wants your money. Geocities is probably the most well-known gathering for freaks and dull people alike to converge and make webpages that all look the same regardless of their content. With the use of the Yahoo! Geocities PageBuilder v2.68451023 a person can put up pictures and text and that's usually where it stops. Little to no creativity is involved and usually people make just one page and then go outside and play fooseball. Those idiots. Who the hell puts a fooseball table outside? You might be thinking "Hey, free place to upload porn" but you are sadly mistaken. Geocities is nice enough to contribute to all of the pages you put up. They don't add jokes or cotton candy. Oh no, those would be nice. Instead, Geocities is nice enough to add a small advertisement in the upper right corner of every page. Thanks for the additional artwork, you ass clowns. Geocities originally started out as a place where freeloaders could have the freedom to freely create an account for free. After you realize that your precious page about why Linkin Park is "teh best band evar" has been soiled with an ad in which a smiling diseased child tells you that you can trade stocks for less than 4 dollars if you pay a couple hundred dollars to join a cult, you'll soon want to remove these ads. But then again, if your favorite band is Linkin Park you'll be too busy either clothes shopping with Mom or having a deep discussion about boobies in an AOL chat room to want to get rid of an electronic rectangular billboard that tells you to join the army. Let's pretend for a second your favorite band doesn't sing about crawling in your sleep with wounds that will not heal. Now that we're using our imagination to hypothetically deal with someone who isn't retarded, I can tell you what the average person might want to do. You'll want to remove those damn ads, of course. And to do that, Geocities is offering a couple of plans that are designed to screw you in all the wrong places. The "Give us some of your money" plan - Here you pay 5 bucks a month to get rid of the ads. That's about all you get other than some other crap you won't use. The "Give us a great deal of your money" plan - For 9 clams a month you get some more stuff I didn't feel like looking up. But trust me, it's not any better than those other deals. The "Give us all of your money" plan - For a measly 12 dollars a month you can get your own domain name and other crap. Any women reading this may as well know that a domain name is basically a .com, such as yahoo.com or sweatylumberjackwomen.com. All in all a crappy purchase. The "Sell your children to get rich enough to buy this" plan - Pay them 20 dollars a month and you get a package fit for an elite internet demi-god. What Geocities doesn't understand is that an elite internet demi-god wouldn't go to a swirling shit vortex like Geocities to build a website. Geocities may be where I house my stupid website for now, but it's still evil. Don't use it unless you plan on creating the webpages on your own without the use of whatever miserable page creator Geocities gives you. Just say no, kids. Or if you're French, say non. And if you're an Afghani terrorist, kill yourself. Here is a sample chunk of Geocities excrement: *..A.s.h.t.o.n.s..P.a.g.e..* Description: Some girl was gifted with the power to combine every dancing animation imaginable with an epileptic seizure. Mad props to the mentally handicapped community for this work of art. Here, read about Angelfire Angelfire is dirty and it wants your money. Another advocate of crap is Angelfire, a place where the webpages here are no less stupid than the buckets of hippo manure at Geocities. Since the Geocities explanation was so damn long, I'll keep the rest of the webhost descriptions short. Angelfire sucks. To keep its free service so inexpensive, Angelfire uses a standard popup banner that is complete with the usual ads about a hidden camera that will let you watch your daughter go pee. Angelfire, like everybody else on the internet, wants to take your credit card number and purchase all the delicious black tar heroin it can get its many hands on. For a fee of 5 dollars a month, one can remove those dastardly banners and get some other features that are too numerous and too useless to begin describing any more than I already did when I said they were too numerous and too useless. Here is a sample chunk of Angelfire excrement: Xarkhan 's controversial views on life , sex , justice and religion (Update: This website seems to have exploded. Just pretend you can go to it.) Description: A guy discusses very controversial issues, such as which Japanese sword is his favorite and why Batman and Jesus are both role models to him. Everything is painful to read considering his background is black and purple while his text is either yellow or dark blue. Careful, kids! He says that you should, "LEAVE YOUR MENTAL SANITY OUTSIDE OR IT WILL BE SEVEARLY DAMAGED." Scary! Yet another website guilty of helping idiots make the internet unsafe for children would be Tripod Tripod is dirty and it wants your money. If Tripod could jump out of the internet and begin sucking the life out of you using only its wily charm and scantily clad hot body, it would. Like most things that will have sex with you and then leave your unconscious body in an alley, Tripod will whisper empty promises in your ear while putting its dirty hand in your pants so it can take the food stamps out of your wallet and buy cocaine it will later sell to children. Children with cancer. And glasses. When I think of the word "Tripod" I don't think of a quality place to mark my place on the internet. I think of a three-legged dog owned by an old man who sits in a rocking chair stroking his shotgun while swearing at kids for looking at his house, which is actually just one of those old outhouses with a moon carved into the door so everyone knows that that's where you poop. I may not immediately associate "Tripod" with "internet", but "moon" and "crapping" spark an instant connection in my head. Like everybody else currently on the 'net, Tripod wants to get rich so it can have robot butlers and afford those Armani t-shirts that say "Armani" and cost over fifty dollars because they say "Armani." And what kind of sneaky lies have the fine folks at Tripod prepared for you? I'm going to list these totally awesome features so you can all read, digest, and hate them. All of these bonuses come FREE when you pay five dollars a month. NO ADS! - Yes, Tripod believes that if you put things in caps then people will think they're being yelled at. And we all know that if you yell things they'll happen faster. That's why people yell "fight" when they want a fight and "rape" when they want a rape. 25 MB of Disk Space - This is a big step up from the 20 MB of disk space Tripod gives you when you get their free services. I'm sure you can take the extra 5 MB and upload a Linkin Park mp3, you moron. More Bandwidth - Chances are that if you have a Tripod site then not enough people care about you enough to exceed the bandwidth limit you already have. This is the type of thing people will buy and never use. Like the European immmigrant I purchased and never fed. File Sharing - Welcome to the internet. Any fuckwit can share files. Unless they're over 40. Then all they can do is sign on AOL and click stuff until they're kicked off, in which case they'll claim their computer is possessed by a ghost that doesn't want you to read your email. Web Folders - You had these before you fell for Tripod's evil plot to make money. Capitalist pigs. JavaScript & CGI Library - Anyone capable of using a search engine and a toilet should be able to find a Javascript or CGI library without peeing all over themselves first. Easy to Use Building Tools - That's right, everybody. In a desperate effort to get you to build your webpages better, everyone who signs up will get a free hammer and screwdriver. Page Design Templates - Not only will your pages be horribly ugly, but they'll look just like someone else's, too! FREE Images - Because we all know you can't get images from a website that isn't Tripod. FrontPage Enabled - Just kidding, it isn't really FrontPage. It's herpes. Enjoy the herpes, you fools! And now, the work of someone whose parents shouldn't talk to them. Here is a sample chunk of Tripod excrement: s p o r t y h e a v e n Description: A girl with a learning disability overcomes adversity and makes a tribute page to Sporty Spice, or "The Guy Spice Girl" as she's known among adolescent boys who aren't sure if they should be attracted to her or not. This entire page isn't as disturbing as the fact that it's part of a Sporty Spice webring. That's right. There's more than one page out there celebrating Sporty Spice's sex change operation. And that's just sad. And the last retarded free webhost I'm going to cover is Homestead Homestead is dirty and it wants your money. Homestead has got to be the most arrogant website on God's green internet. It doesn't even have the decency to bother with all of the foreplay the other free webhosts offer. Geocities will say "Here, sign up. It's free! I like you!" while Homestead begins its page with "Give me your fucking money, bitch" with all the subtly of a mugger. Not only that, but it calls itself "your website company." So Homestead doesn't beat around the bush and it automatically assumes that you want it. That'd be like me walking up to a girl that I find attractive and saying, "Sex the hell out of me right here and right now. No, you can't take your clothes off first. And we sure as hell aren't leaving this Bar Mitzvah, damn it. I'm yours." Homestead also thinks that it's the key to making precious metals jump out of the computer and into your pockets. It makes big promises of a developed website when we all know that as soon as you give an internet company your money they get shut down for housing child pornography. Hell, it happened to Pets.com. Here is a sample chunk of Homestead excrement: NOTORIOUS THUG LIFE RECORDS Description: Some greasy dick with a mustache and one of those candy rings you can eat has put together a bling blingin' record label page. This mongoloid doesn't seem to understand that someone needs much more than an imagination and a bunch of pretty pictures to own a record label. And how the hell is his page notorious? Nobody's heard of it. That's just wack. Say no to crack, kids. And don't even talk to the likes of Geocities, Angelfire, Tripod, or Homestead. You'll get the AIDS and get bitten to death by ostriches. Back to the fun and excitement