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For any of you wondering what kind of sexy stud runs this website, you're in a for a sad, sad surprise. Like when your father said he had something to tell you and you thought it was a puppy or something and he ended up telling you about how he and the mailman were running away together and that your grandparents were raped by some Canadians and that the dog you thought you were going to get was devoured by a sweaty fat woman. A morbidly obese one with pitstains who wears extra large shirts with "Baby on Board" written on the inflated stomach section of the shirt even though she's not pregnant. In fact, she can't get pregnant because she can't find her genitals due to the fact that the large barrel full of oatmeal and chili she calls a stomach blocks out her view of it. It's that same stomach that knocks stuff over and causes solar eclipses and shit. Man, I hate it when people knock stuff over with their stomachs and it spills all over the floor and people slip on it. Although it's kind of funny when janitors clean it up and then walk away smelling like puke, especially because they weren't even cleaning up puke. They were cleaning up stuff knocked onto the floor by fat people that ate my dog. What the fuck was I talking about, again? Oh yeah, my picture. Damn, I'm hot.
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I reside in a wonderful place in Michigan known as Walled Lake. Imagine that one day the mayor of this town declared that one day was to be known as "Wear a homeless man's clothes and/or fuck a family member" Day. Everyone celebrates this day. They not only enjoy it, they make it a lifestyle. And that is the story of why Walled Lake is the way it is. (Let it be noted that this story was found scribbled in a bathroom stall inside the local McDonald's) Walled Lake doesn't get much tourism. I'm guessing it's because its travel brochure consists of the cover to a Hee-Haw video (seen above) and excerpts from "No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problem!" by Jeff Foxworthy. The tiny pamphlet tells about the many fantastic things in Walled Lake. The brochure says, "Here in Walled Lake we've got trucks and stuff. You might want to visit Walled Lake if the pink flamingos in your front yard have buckshot holes in them. You'll fit right in." This sales pitch doesn't work and the only tourism Walled Lake gets is from the neighboring city of Wixom. Wixom, a city full of illiterate people and pitchfork-wielding cat-sodomizers, couldn't read Walled Lake's pathetic brochure and only visits the neighboring Walled Lake when they have to chase one of their dogs there. |
Ah, yes. My school. Walled Lake Western, home of a once-good football team. Sure, our school is known for other things that aren't football. None of these things are other sports, though. Hell, I go to Western and during football season the only sports you hear about are varsity football and...uh....JV football. And poms. God bless poms. Allah and Buddha can bless them, too. Anyway, if my school isn't in the news for sports it's in the news for negative things like our bomb threats and mentally unstable students. We had a "brawl in the hall" a year or two ago where some kids yelled some racial slurs or something. Somebody pulled a knife and later the whole thing was blown out of proportion. Three hours after the fight occurred there were rumors going around the school about how some kid pulled a semiautomatic weapon, shot an administrator, and then they called in a SWAT team who got killed by ALIENS LIVING IN THE CAFETERIA!!!! You can always trust the student population to screw up the truth. However, there are at least a few intelligent people among us. Without opening fire or planting any bombs, some students created Western In Chains and the former WalledLakeWestern.com. Both of them addressed the things that generally pissed off the students of WLW. The single issue that got all the students pissed off was the fact that our spirit day colors were stripped from us by our principal, a satanic female reincarnate of either Hitler or Stalin. Or the product of Hitler and Stalin breeding. Either way, the two websites were a big success and you could easily tell who belonged to what class because of the plans set up through emails passed along by the student community. This wasn't the first time the students were given bloody colons by the administration. In the 1999-2000 year, Save Spirit Day was created to give a great, big, loving "FUCK YOU" to the school. That's a brief history of the unhappy hellhole that is my school. |
Ah yes, my interests. I've got my likes and dislikes....mostly dislikes. Like I hate it when women leave the toilet seat down. But if I wanted to discuss stuff that women do that I hated I'd write a page about it. Maybe two. Anyway, enough digression. I enjoy lowering children into open manholes, challenging retarded rules, writing offensive material, and laughing. Laughing at everything. The Simpsons. Ignorance. The handicapped. Life doesn't suck as much if you can kick back and crack a joke about a guy in a wheelchair rolling down a flight of stairs. It's even funnier if you mention that he's fat or gay or something else that'll offend a certain group of people. Hell, you can't please everyone, so don't even bother. If they want to get offended about something that's true about them, let them. They're the ones getting their crotchless panties in a knot, not me. And they get pissed off because they're stupid. Damn it, I love stupid people. Some people, most of them having the intelligence of a lobotimized ferret, would rather bitch and say, "I hate stupid people." The fucking idiots. We should rejoice in the fact that there will always be people burning their crotches on stoves or singeing their ass hair while igniting a fart. But that's my satirical side speaking. I've got a romantic side, too. Man, I'm a total chick magnet. Read about my misadventures with women (and maybe some inanimate objects) on the Dating Page.
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