Scene 1: THE INTRO-A.harmann's car, B.bernstein's bedroom, C. Hiller's
Street D.Al's kitchen
Characters:
A.
Josh
Brian
Rowe
B.
Bernstein
Brian
C.
Hiller
Henry
Drew
Ben
Darryl
D.
Alex
Jones
Josh
Alex's Mom
A:
Josh: What the fuck
Brian: ah dude, i'ma just let this happen (horn)
Josh: Mike is such a freakin' slow driver
Brian: which is wierd becuz i would assume he's rather quick
when he's fucking you in the ass
Josh: yes, but, when u assume u make an ass out of mike's dick and clue and
toss his salad.
Brian: good one, ouch. (roll's down window) Mike, ur fucking gay and u drive
like ur mom's dick is jammed up the exhaust
Mike: ok, kool
(brian drives away)
Josh: (to camera) oh, that was our friend mike, although he's gay, we protect
our assess with bookbags so we don't worry about getting raped...
Brian: as much
Josh: agreed, i'm Ar and he's dub, and we're like the main woday's of this
clueday
Brian: (laughing) i'm sure they understood you...what he was trying to say
was he's josh and i'm brian, and we're like the main people in this movie.
Josh: Oh yeah, like, we've developed kind of our own language, which u should
pick up on as u go along, as long as u keep in mind that i clue and clueday
substitutes for 'we don't know' or, we don't understand, we are always
sarcastic, and woday and ardub is just stuff we say thats kool.
Brian: yea, and with the sarcasm, like, if someone's gay, like u just saw
mike was, we may say something like, oh, ur fucking straight, when obviously
he is not straight, he's fucking gay.
Josh: and a key sarcastic clue thing is if u say something that we couldn't
give 1 shit about, like when u meet zach, normally anything he asks me will
fall in this category, we may respond, i care, or i'm just gonna care real
quick.
Brian: yea, so that's enough about us, we should probably clue u to some of
the other wodays in this thing. (talking gos on as scene changes to
bernstein's bedroom)
B:
(camera zooms in on dragonball-Z video collection)
Brian: Well, this is bernstein's room, we also have reason to believe he is
gay. He basically got layed once by some freak girl with a nose ring and
thats about the extent of his action, so he spends most of his time watching
dragonball-z and whacking off, or like now when he happens to be doing both
at the same time
(camera fist zooms in on t.v. where dragonball z is on, than to bernstein
whacking off under his bedsheet)
Brian: but actually, bernstein is really whacking off to a picture of pierce
brosnin. (than the camera gos to the cieling where the picture is)
Bernstein: ay, what the hell, get out of here, this is private dragonball-z
time damn it!!
A:
Josh: he's a winner, just kidding.
Brian: And just to add to bernstein's homo suspicion, he prides around in a
tight purple gay shirt thing, not that that means he's gay or
anything...pssshh.
Josh: not at all, well, next, we've got alex, or al. (scene changes to al's
kitchen as talking continues)
C:
Josh: people would say al is kind of alot like jerry seinfeld, aside from the
facts that he doesn't get hot girls every week, he doesn't get em at all
really, and he's not jewish, that's me and brian. but other than that, he's
still the same, sarcastic, synical bastard that jerry is, and for that we all
eat his food.
Al: (talking to josh as he looks through al's cupboard)
Al: i'm telling you, we don't have shit anymore.
Josh: what, oatmeal wafers, no fudge brownies, what happened?
(camera points to jones eating fudge brownies)
Al: look at the other mooching fuck
Jones: its true, but i have an excuse, all i have at my house is kashi (than
jones continues eating)
Josh: damn it, well al, what am i gonna eat?
Al: (holds out pinched fingers) josh, what is this? No, i'll just make it
easy for you, i'll tell you, this is how much i care.
Josh: damn it, i guess i'll have this oatmeal crap
(al turns to jones)
Al: so jones, how's it going with jenna?
Jones: she's so freakin confusing, first she says she won't go out with me
cuz we're like too good of friends or some bullshit like that
Al: yeah yeah, go on
Jones: than she's all layin on me...and, i don't know, i'm gonna just e-mail
her tonight and get this shit straight.
Al: (laughing) ok
(camera to josh at sink as he spits into it)
Josh: ugh this shit is nasty
(al's mom walks in)
Al: josh, you stupid fuck
Al's mom: alex, language!!!
Al:(turns to mom) oh, hey mom
(scene fades back to the car)
Brian: he's a winner
Josh: agreed, oh yea, i forgot about hiller and everyone.
D.
(camera shows hiller walking down the street)
Josh: yea, this is hiller, he's like an apathetic asshole to everyone and is
pretty funny.
(after this, an arrow is shot into hiller's back, he reaches into his back
and pulls it out)
Hiller: oh fuckin' bitch!!
(than he puts it back in his back and walks on)
Josh: and these are his like clueday friends, drew, ben, henry and ardub
darryl
(after this, camera is pointed to car they are in, as they drive towards josh
with ben shouting out the window)
Ben: look, there's josh, i mean the old lady!
(than josh, dressed as an old lady, is chased by the car, as he runs away
from it, hiller comes and trips him, and as car approaches to run lady over,
scene ends)
end of scene
scene 2: THE INTRO TO RAP-A. josh's car
Characters:
A.
Josh
Emily
A:
(cam'ron played in the backround)
Josh: ayyo ma i don't like you, but can i fuck you
Emily: cam, i'll fuck you, but i don't love you
Josh: well good than pop the mo'
Emily: but than after you bust you got to go
Josh: ok, we're done with you, you can leave
Emily: what? shut up josh, seriously, what do i do next?
Josh: nothing, i only needed you for this scene to introduce rap and show
that its pimped out and all the other crap sux and won't be in this ardub.
Emily: you mean i'm only in one fucking scene this whole movie.
Josh: yea, but look at it this way, your in the first scene.
Emily: yea, ok, wait, you lyer, you said you already taped a scene.
Josh: i know, but that didn't count, that was just like the intro.
Emily: what, but you said this was like an intro to rap or something, so this
scene doesn't matter either, so its like i'm not even in the movie.
Josh: emily, ur so dumb, we would have you in more scenes but i can't risk
having the camera lenses break.
Emily: you slutty bitch (as she says this, she punches josh in the balls)
Josh: ah shit, you whore!!!!
Emily: oh my god, did i break it??
(after this, josh grumbles in pain and the scene ends)
end of scene
Scene 3: THE GOLDMAN'S-A. goldman's house
Characters:
A.
Scott
Jon
Zach
Mr. Goldman
Mrs. Goldman
Calvin
josh's brother, brian
A.
(as simpson's music plays in the backround, scene plays as satire of simpsons
beginning, zach is first viewed writing in house "i will not ask dumb
questions" scott is seen looking in the mirror, posing for himself,
jon is driving into the driveway with his dad standing there, almost getting
run over, than as music is ending, they all run to the couch, with the
parents and dog sitting down, and the 3 boys getting caught in the doorway
fighting for who gets in first, and music ends and they all fall.)
(scott is in fridge getting food, john and zach at kitchen table)
zach: so scott, do you, about how much people your gonna have for the party?
scott: shut the fuck up, mom and dad are in the other room!
zach: oh, my bad.
jon: yea zach, you always ask such stupid questions.
zach: ay, it was a good question, alright, just a bad time.
(after this, a little boy with a monster mask jumps out from under the table,
smacks the table, and runs out, than the story continues as normal)
Scott: both of you shut up, (scott moves to the table and whispers) there's
gonna be like 100 people there, so don't invite too much more people.
zach: oh, ok, you think we should tell mom and dad that we're having a party,
not like a big one, just like, a few people over, so they don't get
suspicious?
scott: no, you moron, than they'll be more suspicious.
jon: zach, why are you soo stupid?
zach: ay, shut the fuck up.
jon: what if i don't want to?
zach: than i'll make you!
jon: what, with your...
scott: ay both of you shut the fuck up before i kick both your assess.
jon: you couldn't if you tried, i always kick your ass.
scott: you cocky piece of shit
(as scott says this, scott gets john in a headlock and wrestles him to the
ground, as he does this, zach starts pulling both of their hairs, and the two
start screaming, and mrs. goldman comes in)
Mrs. Goldman: ay, what's the matter with you 3??
(the boys see their dad and they all get up)
Jon: scott went crazy when i said i could kick his ass
scott: shut the fuck up, those two are mad cuz they have small penis's
(mrs. goldman walks in)
Mr. Goldman: and their just getting mad now?
Zach: ay shut up, so scott, when are you getting your new car?
Scott: i'll have it by next weekend, its gonna be tight, and i got it cheap
cuz
the doors and trunk won't lock.
Zach: isn't that bad?
Scott: no, i mean, its not like anyone will ever break into it or anything.
(after this, calvin walks in wearing panty hos and poses for the camera)
end of scene
Scene 4: KEMP AND LERM-A. Kemper's house
Characters
A.
Kemper
Ryan
A:
Scene 5: SCHOOL-A. Mr. Formanek's class B. Hall by our lockers C. D lunch
D. Connor's class E. office flashback
Characters:
A.
Mr. Formanek
Alex
Brian
Rowe
extras
B.
Josh
Hiller
Henry
Drew
Jones
Chou
Jenna
Zach
Ryan
Kemper
John
some officer
Katie
Alex
Jon
Nufer
Laura
Kyle
Kendra
Dean
extras
C.
John
Jones
Dean
Brian
officer
extras
D.
katie
Mr. Connor
Kemper
Ryan
Alex
Frankfort
extras
E.
Josh
Brian
Mr. Clark
B.
( in the hall, hiller, drew and company are in their usual corner, as camera
focus's on josh entering the circle)
Hiller: ay josh, what's the camera for?
Josh: well, i'm making that movie.
Hiller: now?
josh: sure
Hiller: and this is part of it
Josh: yea, basically
Hiller: kool, i mean, thats fucking stupid as hell.
Henry: so i can say anything i want now, like jen fucks monkeys and it will
be in the movie?
Josh: apparently.
Drew: so josh, i mean, fellow hebrew, what is this so-called movie about?
Josh: i don't know, its basically just some shit filled with random humorous
events, but i think i'ma work in a plot sooner or later.
Daryll: well, i don't know much about movies, but i think this is bound to
help. (as he says this, he pins drew up against the locker and starts
humping him)
ugh, ugh ugh
Josh: (laughing) eww, thats fucking gross, yet it is random and humorous.
Drew: i never agreed to this
(as he says this he sees jones and leaves the circle to his locker)
Jones: guess what i'm gonna get to do for goldman's party.
Josh: what?
Jones: not drink
Josh: holy shit, why not?
Jones: my mom's fucking stupid as hell. she said that like, last time i slept
out at al's party i was all grumpy in the morning, and we're having relatives
over for christmas, so she says i can't be grumpy for them.
Josh: so what does that have to do with not drinking?
Jones: i can't spend the night now, so i'll have to drive home.
Josh: oh, and you can't drive drunk, ah, sux a woday for u.
(than, from nowhere, chou comes in)
Chou: see, although characters in this film are portrayed as rude, sarcastic,
homophobic bastards, we still are good-hearted enough to encourage sober
driving. (after saying this, he leaves)
Jones: oook...so yea, i'm screwed now.
Josh: well, look on the bright side, at least you'll have more time to focus
on getting jenna?!
Jones: oh yea, thats right, and she'll be drunk, so it improves my chances.
(than jenna comes in)
Jenna: what, whats this, i heard my name.
Josh: yea, we were just talking about really dumb blondes, and ur name popped
up.
(jones and josh laugh)
Jenna: not funny, ay, what's that camera doing there?
Josh: camera, what are you talking about.
Jenna: that camera thing, right there.
Jones: Jenna, i don't see any camera anywhere.
Josh: nope, neither do i.
Jenna: what, i don't get it, hold on ( than jenna gos to get laura)
Jones: (laughing) oh my god
Josh: she just may be the dumbest girl in the world
(jenna comes back with laura)
Jenna: (to laura) isn't there a camera, right there?
Laura: yea hunny, why?
Jenna: cuz jones and josh said that there wasn't one.
(now the camera is directed to josh and jones, cracking up)
Josh: jenna, perhaps we were just taking advantage of you to see how stupid
you really are.
Jenna: Mike, is this true?
Jones: yup
Josh: and might i add, it worked quite well.
Jenna: you guys are dumb.
(as jenna and laura leave, zach comes by)
zach: ay guys
(jones and josh carry in conversation ignoring zach)
zach: (zach persists) ay guys!!
Josh: (annoyed) what zach?
zach: nothin, just saying ay.
Jones: my god, so anway...
zach: (interrupting) ay, you guys didn't tell too many people about the
party, did you, cuz scott is getting worried that it might get too out of
hand.
josh: no, noone else knows, trust me.
(after saying this, the camera gos to alex running down the halls passing
fliers yelling)
Alex: party at goldman's, tommorrow night, anyone can come, there will be
beer and hos!!
(than the scene gos back to josh walking away from jones and to alex, ryan,
and kemper)
Ryan: so in mr. riley's class the other day, he was getting all excited over
doing math, and i just happened to say, i don't know, but is does anyone else
have an erection?
(the crowd's reaction is in disinterest)
Ryan: well i guess u had to be there
Alex: no, i guess you had to be funny, either way we didn't laugh.
so anyway, matt, back to you being a stupid cock.
Matt: oh my god
Josh: wait, what did i miss?
Alex: Josh, why do people go to parties?
Josh: to have fun.
Alex: and what's one major way of having fun at parties?
Josh: drinking.
Alex: exactly, now, matt, why do people drink at parties?
Matt: cuz their morons.
Alex: no, u fucking idiot, to have fun, drinking is fun.
Matt: ok, i can see how ur saying that. wait, no i can't, how is it fun?
Alex: look, you drink so that u don't care about stuff and have an excuse if
you hook up with nasty girls, except for josh who fucking throws up,
therefore not being drunk anymore, and still hooks up with nasty girls.
(crowd laughs excepting josh)
Josh: i was drunk, i swear.
(after this, john comes into the group)
John: ah, josh, your straight. fuck a few ugly things. i'm one to talk, yes.
(than after this, an officer comes in out of nowhere and drives john into a
locker, punching him and beating him)
Officer: take that you peeping pervert. This will keep you from setting up
camera's in the girl's locker room.
John: what the hell are u talking about?!!
(than the camera is directed to the group)
Matt: i don't get it, what did he do?
Josh: oh shit, i think this is my fault...(than camera zooms in on josh and
changes to flashback of earlier that day)
E.
Josh: so why are we in here again?
Brian: i needed to get that work permit thing, sure i did.
Josh: you're definitely gonna work this millenaclue, oh yea, i remember,
we're gonna screw over john.
Brian: yup, its gonna be unfunny.
(than, after this, Mr. Clark walks by and is stopped by the boys)
Josh: ay um, Mr. Clark, you remember john goodroe, right?
Mr. Clark: yes, why, is there a problem?
Brian: yea, well like, we heard about him setting up cameras in the girls'
locker room and spying on them in the showers, and we just thought we'd let
you know, before it got too out of hand or sumthing.
Mr. Clark: are you sure about this?
Josh: yea
Brian: (laughing to himself) psssh
Mr. Clark: well, thanks for letting me know, we'll be sure to take care of
the problem.
Josh: ok, jigga (than the boys walk away)
Brian: and why did we do that again?
Josh: cuz it'd be funny seeing john get in trouble again.
Brian: oh yea ( laughing)
(than scene returns to group in the hall)
B.
Ryan: so john really didn't do anything?
Josh: nope
Alex: (laughing) you bastard
(the entire group laughs, than shows john on the ground being kicked, and the
bell rings, and everyone leaves to their classess)
A.
D.
(camera is at mr. connor's back, showing entire class from his view, as he
begins lecture)
Mr. Connor: now, I know i don't have to remind everyone that they should have
their homework out already, ready to be turned in, right frankfort?
Frankfort: what, it wasn't my fault, i was asleep when you asked us to turn
it in.
Mr. Connor: oh, and i assume that's my fault than that you were sleeping?
Frankfort: well yea, if you weren't so boring i wouldn't have to sleep.
(class mildly laughs as connor continues)
Mr. Connor: ok, seriously now, pass the papers in the front and we'll go back
over human genomes.
(than katie reaches into her bag, while looking at mr. connor, and the bag
explodes, and she screams, still looking at mr. connor.)
Ryan: oh my god, they killed katie!!
Frankfort: (calmly) you bastards
(after laughter from class)
Katie: wait, i'm ok, i'm right here, i didn't die.
Mr. Connor: well, now that katies dead, i guess you don't have to sit on the
floor any more, matt.
Matt: thank you.
Mr. Connor: (asks some science question) now don't be affraid to be wrong.
Frankfort: gives wrong answer.
(than, out of nowhere, adam michaud, wearing football gear, flys in class and
tackles frankfort, than calmly stands up and leaves)
Mr. Connor: no mike, that was wrong.
(scene ends and bell rings, and scene gos back to the hall)
B.
(back at the hall, hiller and company are marching up and down the area
yelling that white people suck, as is written on their shirts, and alex and
josh are the first to approach them)
Alex: (laughing) Hiller, what the hell are u guys doing.
Hiller: i don't know.
Darryl: we're puttin' down the whites who enslaved me and my brothas, word.
here, listen to my dope rap..(daryll gives a lame 8 line rhyme about
anti-white stuff)
Henry: in other words, my identity mistaken friend is saying that we'll do
anything just to get a really cheap laugh.
Josh: and it works like a clueday.
(than, out of nowhere, the camera is directed toward ryan with freshman
walking by him, and he throws his backpack into the kids stomach)
Ryan: oh, i'm real sorry about that
(than he slams another kid over his back with the backpack)
Ryan: sorry
(ryan than approaches josh and alex)
Alex: ah, ur nice
Ryan: i said i was sorry
(than eric and jones joins the group)
Dean: what up guys, does anyone have a dollar?
(than out of nowhere, a clown wearing fubu joins the group)
Clown: (honks a horn twice) here's a dolla for ya, nigga
Dean:(confused) thanks
(than the clown leaves)
Ryan: anyways
Alex: oh, you know what was real funny?
(than al pushes dean into the lockers and knees him in the balls)
Alex: that
(everyone laughs)
Josh: yea, that was pretty funny
(group laughs again and josh approaches jones and kendra jumps in the way)
Kendra: whoops, my bad
Josh: i don't appreciate you getting in my way, bob marley
Kendra: i'm not bob marley
Jones: "no woman no cry, say say say"
Kendra: ok, does it look like i have dreadlocks?
Jones: oh yea, that reminds me, josh, this is the movie, right?
Josh: i should hope so
Jones: k, kool, we can like, give her dreadlocks now
Josh: unjigga, after school today, we'll give her dreadlocks and turn her
into bob marley
Jones: yea, good call
Kendra: don't i have a say in this?
Josh: don't i, have a say in this?
Jones: well said
(than, out of nowhere, a garth and wayne look alikes are shown)
garth/wayne: shwing!!!
(now, the camera is turned to laura and katie, as katie opens her locker)
Katie: and than they all thought i was dead, and (as she opens her locker, it
blows up)
Laura: oh my god, they killed katie
(frankfort is heard in the distance)
Frankfort: you bastards.
Katie: it was just some stupid fire cracker. I'm still alive.
Ryan: alive like a fox
Katie: that doesn't make any sense.
Alex: doesn't make sense like a fox.
Katie: (laughs histerically)
(than the bell rings, and as everyone leaves, jon comes)
Jon: ay, what up guys
(everyone ignores him, and walks away, and scene changes to lunch)
C:
(everyone is at table, and john has lunch)
Brian: so john, whatever happened with that whole getting arrested thing?
John: i don't know, the guy like tried to rape me for something i didn't do,
so i said that was just gonna happen real quick, so i punched him, and he was
basically my bitch so he couldn't do anything.
Jones: ay, isn't it sub day today?
Eric: yea, it is, john, wanna go grab some?
John: sure
(than john leaves, grabs 6 or so subs, and begins walking out of the lunch
room til he is caught by the same officer as before)
Officer: so you're not only a pervert, you're a thief
(john, desperate, throws the subs at him and runs, than scene gos back to
table)
brian: where the hell is john with our subs?
Jones: i don't know, but i wasn't really hungry anyway, i brought shit.
(than john flys by, jumping on the table, stepping on jones' lunch, and the
officer following behind, and scene ends, returning to the hall)
B:
(in the hall now is jon, josh, laura, and jenna)
Josh: so jon, your party is comin up tomorrow, itz gonna be worse.
Jon: actually, i don't know if i'm gonna go now.
Jenna: what, why not?
Jon: cuz, i might have a date that night.
Laura: oh, go jon, is she pretty?
Jon: well, i don't know yet, i think so.
Laura: oh no jon.
Jenna: what, i don't get it.
Josh: (laughing) you fucking loser. your gonna skip your party to meet a girl
from aol??
Jon: no, i talked to her on the phone also.
Josh: ha, ok, ur kool, just kidding.
Laura: josh, be nice, i'm sure she'll be attractive jon. (laura hides her
face behind josh and laughs)
Josh: aiight, i'm out showday's, wodays
(than nufer comes in, choking josh against the locker)
Nufer: what did i tell you??
Josh: ay dave, wutz up, other htan me right now?
Nufer: your not black.( than he hits me and leaves)
Josh: well, thats my cue to bounce, ay jones!!
Jones: what?
Josh: when you get home, i'll call you, and we'll turn kendra into bob marley.
Jones: ok
Josh: shwing
than josh walks away and scene ends
end of scene
