So of course last week the Church was fasting and praying. I was a little over anxious about the fasting and praying, so I started on Sunday when everyone else started on Monday. All through the week, there were also prayer services from 5:30-8 every night. The week is over now, but I certainly learnt quite a bit last week. I was fasting just my food, and then drinking whatever I wanted at first: juice, pop, tea, whatever. Then on Monday night this lady, Jana, gave me a ride to and from the Church for the prayer service. We were talking about the fast, and she mentioned to me the Pastor had suggested an all water fast, meaning having nothing at all but water. So, not wanting to be outdone or give any indication that anyone else could do something that I can't do, I decided in my mind that an all water diet was exactly what I was going to do.
All Tuesday all I had was water, nothing else at all. Now naturally by the end of the day when it came for the prayer service I felt as weak as I ever had. I was talking to Jana on the way to the service again, and explaining how I was feeling so incredibly weak, but I was depending on my endurance and determination; my sheer stubbornness in terms of not giving up to help me through the rest of the week. She reminded me that also I need to be trusting in the Lord's strength. I said well yeah of course I'm doing that, but also my own determination will help me make it the rest of the way.
That night we were worshipping, and I was feeling even weaker, so I sat down. Then I had to rest my head against the piew in front of me. I started feeling really naucious and tired. I started sweating profusely; really started sweating buckets. I didn't know what was going on with me, but then pretty soon my hands went completely and totally numb as well. Jana sitting beside me noticed and went to tell the pastor, also not knowing what was going on. I had gone into some kind of anti-toxin shock. I was very near passing out and possibly vomiting all at once. The pastor tried to get me to eat some candy because I had this severe lack of sugar in my system, and my body didn't know how to handle it. My stubbornness kept me from eating the candy; I couldn't will myself to eat it and break the fast, even if it was just what I needed. Pastor Komant got me out to his car and I laid down, and then soon had a bit of Sprite to get the sugar back in my system.
After a bit of time outside getting air and a bit of sugar, I was feeling perfectly normal again. I was incredibly dissapointed in myself, thinking that I had really failed God and let Him down, because I wasn't strong enough to be able to make it through the fast. I couldn't do it on my own like I wanted to. I really learnt a lesson that night. Now this is for everyone, just because I am working as a missionary, I by no means have any kind of expertise or specialized understanding in knowing God and living for Him. I am perfectly human and more than often as dumb in the spiritual ways as they come. Sometimes I really just need lessons to be pounded into me this way, or I won't learn. I wish I could learn easier, but it seems it just doen't work with me. I suppose I wouldn't ever listen to God unless He made it so incredibly obvious to me.
I got a ride home to Jana's house that night after the service and I had dinner with her family. I wouldn't say I broke the fast, I changed it. I started having dinner, but fasting breakfast and lunch. Also I had a cup of tea in the morning, one cup, and then the rest of the day, just water until after the prayer service. I learnt so clearly, as clearly as ever, that we cannot rely on our own strength, determination, stubbornness, or endurance. We are weak beings who cannot do it on our own, but God is infinitely strong and He just desperately wants us to rely on His strength and ability so we would stop needlessly putting ourselves through so much pain and sorrow. I confess I really don't know how to do this yet, rely fully on God's strength. I know I need to, but I don't really know how yet. I am going to need God to show me how little bit by little bit over time. And I suppose I'll never perfect knowing how to do that, but I'll grow in it and slowly get better as He shows me how. But for now, I feel like I don't know anything, and I have so much to learn.
God prefers obedience over sacrifice, don't forget. Don't use fasting as a means to try and show off before God like I did. He only wants you to fully submit to Him, and to do what you can, not punishing yourself so horribly doing things you can't do because you think that's the way it's suppost to be done. There is no condemnation in not being able to handle fasting for a whole day or a whole week, but only doing what you can. Fasting is commanded, but self-punishment is not. Serve God fully and seek Him daily, trust in Him and learn how to rely in His strength and not your own. Let Him teach you and mold you daily, because He is an awesome and holy God who wants to impart all of Himself upon us.
Anyways, at the end of the week, last night, we all broke bread and drank juice together; we took communion. We did it in a bit of a different way than usual though. We all did communion personally, then we went around with our bread and shared pieces of bread with eachother, and each time someone took some of our bread and us some of theirs, we would also share a word of encouragement. It was really awesome. Some of the kid's leaders I broke bread with said some awesome and very encouraging things. I was thinking in my mind if they say things like this when I'm about to go, it's going to be really hard for me to go. I am sure leaving is just about going to wreck me. That time is coming quickly. But I keep going day by day. I don't really have enough days left to waste any of them.
So, I hope you were all encouraged and challenged by this journal. I hope you can learn a little by the painful, terrible experience I had to endure. If others as well as myself can learn from the suffering I have to go through to learn some things, then I suppose the suffering isn't that bad after all. May God bless you all and thank you for visiting and reading my journal. Keep me in your prayers! I still need them as much as ever.
