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| I have a high tolerance for movies, why? Because I like stories. I can sit and listen to an old man rambling on about onions forever, and I won't regret it. These movies are so shitty... I have no choice BUT to hate them. It's a shame that I feel I must use the numbering system, because I hate all of these movies so equally, but there must be a winner. You'll notice that my font has deviated from the usual red to yellow. That's because these movies are piss-poor. I hope I don't have to explain the background color. |
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| 10) |
| I really didn't want to hate this one, either. Spawn was what got me back into comic books, and I knew that Todd McFarlane would always stay true to his creation. Unfortunately, Todd McFarlane's asshole is now the size and shape of a baseball, and I was duped into watching this crapperiffic movie. |
| SPAWN |
| 9) |
| Another sad story... I read the book before I saw the movie, I was SOOOO excited to see dinosaurs, something I've loved since childhood, on the big screen again. Michael Crichton's book had great, suspenseful moments, and a good story... unfortunately this movie had a gymnast kicking raptor's asses like it was an olympic event. It was like Spielberg didn't read the book... only way they could make it worse is if they started filming a sequel without finishing the script first. |
| The Lost World:Jurassic Park |
| 8) |
| Holy crap, they did just that. Yup, they started filming this movie with a beggining written, an idea for the middle, and no conclusion... and it shows. This movie is poorly thought out, and builds to a horrible, dissapointing, anti-climactic ending... and my boy the T-Rex loses. Fuck this movie. |
| Jurassic Park III |
| 7) |
| OK, here's what we want to do... we want to take the creative vision of Tim Burton's original Batman movie, subtract all aspects of the Batman character, hire Arnold Schwardsunayger to play a scientist, give Batman nipples and Robin a dong the size of a small dog so that it builds up to the biggest gay ass-cock sucking festival of the summer!!! Oh yea, make sure NOT to give Alicia Silverstone nipples as not let the audience believe anything about this movie is not of the homosexual persuation* |
| Batman & Robin |
| 6) |
| The most unsuspenseful "thriller" I have ever seen, aside from Driving Miss Daisy. The people in this movie are so fucking stupid, you are glad to see them die. The only applause I can give this movie is it's honesty... you know you'd become a pervert if YOU were invisible. Unfortunately, watching this is like watching the Hollow Man's digestive system, all you see is a lot of crap. (Thought I was gonna say "shit", didn't you?) |
| Hollow Man |
| 5) |
| I've seen John Leguizamo's one man shows... I've seen John Leguizamo's other movies, most of which I somewhat liked (hell... he was KINDA funny in Spawn...) SO, how could I go wrong with this? I wasn't expecting anything terrific, just to laugh at ol' Johnny being a goof... I've laughed more at what was written on the back of an Equal packet... litteraly. I could not imagine a shittier comedy than this... |
| The Pest |
| 4) |
| Dear God, I need to shut my mouth. Same story as above... how could I go wrong with ADAM FUCKING SANDLER? Suuure, I've never heard of this, but it was made before he was famous, it's still the same, right? The only thing I laughed at was the first few minutes when he talked about how crappy this movie was going to be... until I realized he wasn't kidding. |
| Going Overboard |
| 3) |
| Mortal Kombat... the asskicking game that brought people back to the arcades... the action movie that caused a sensation in theatres, and music that gave techno an extra boost... the sequel that made people cause fatalities to their head with a shotgun. Whoever read the script and said that this was a good idea should be charged with murder. Seriously, this movie was SOOOO BAD, Christopher Fucking Lambert bowed out of it... and he makes some shitty movies. (Keep in mind that this is a list of the shittiest movies I have SEEN... who the fuck watches a movie with Christopher Lambert that ISN'T the first Highlander?) |
| Mortal Kombat: Annihilation |
| 2) |
| JOHN MALKOVICH!!! WILLEM DEFOE!!! THESE GUYS ARE GREAT!!! Awesome, they are together in an "artsy" vampire film satire... this is going to be GREAT!!! OK, hit play!!! ZzZzZzZzZz.... |
| Shadow of the Vampire |
| 1) |
| No words can truely describe HOW MUCH I hate this movie... I LOVED the original time machine... how could they go WRONG?? Excellent book, the original movie was terrific, what with today's special effects and better cinematograph... WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS MOVIE??? WHO IS THAT GIRL??? IS SHE DYING BECAUSE THE MOVIE IS SO BAD??? WHY ARE THE NEW SPECIAL EFFECTS WORSE THAN THE OLD??? OH MY GOD!!! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY URINE??? AAAAAAAGGGGGH!!!! OUUUUUCH!!!! OH NO!!!! I'M PISSING BLOOD!!!!! DAMN YOU TIME MACHINE!!!! YOU ARE THE WORST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN!!!! |
| The Time Machine (2002) |
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| *E-Bomb industries would like to take this opportunity to state that they harbor no ill-will or prejudiced feelings towards the gay community. Erik Smith himself has worked with and known several, upstanding members of the gay community... but COME ON!!! You HAVE TO ADMIT THAT BATMAN AND ROBIN WAS TOTALLY, IN YOUR ASS AND ON YOUR FACE GAY!!!! ... Thank you. |
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