Jokes

Jokes

1) How many blonde jokes are there? One, the rest of them are true

2) Two blonde guys go to a bar and buy hotdogs. They didn`t have enough money to buy a drink so they dicided to put one of the hotdogs near there zipper. One guy put it there and the other guy sucked. The bar keeper was so discusted that he gave them a drink. 9 bars later the guy that was sucking the hotdog stopped and said "wow that was tiring" then the other guy says "you think you got problems the hotdog fell out 5 bars ago.

3) How do you confuse a blonde? Tell her to find a corner in a circular room. How does she confuse you? She tells you she found one.

4) How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb. 3, 1 to hold the lightbulb and 2 too spin the ladder.

5) What did the blondes dad say to hid daughter "if you`re not in bed by 11:00 come home.

6) If a blonde and a brunette both fell of a bridge who would hit the water first? The brunette because the blondes head is full of air.

7) A blonde comes home from school and tells her mom that two boys gave her two dollars for climbing up a pole. Her mom told her that they just wanted to see her underwear. So that night she thought of a plan. She came home and told her mom that she made two dollars again. She again told her that they just wanted to see her underwear. She said "I fooled them I didn`t wear any.

8) A blonde went ice fishing. While she was cutting the hole she heard a voice say there are no fishes here. So she moved down 9 steps and again she heard the voice say "there are no fish here" So she asked God where are they? And the voice said "i`m not God I`m the rink manager.

9) A blonde and a brunette go into the jungle. They both brought one possesion. The brunette brought a gun so if a lion would happen to chase her she could shoot it and run away. And the blonde brought two sand bags. She was asked why she brought sandbags and she answered "so if a lion would happen to chase me i could drop it and run faster".

10) Three girls commited a crime. The were sent to go live on a deserted island. They could each bring one possesion. The two brunettes brought jugs of water and the blonde brought a car door. When they asked the blond why she brought a car door she replied " so when it gets hot she can open it`s window".

11)If a smart blonde, Santa Clause, and the Easter bunny fell off a bridge, who would hit the ground first? None, becuase none of them exist! 12) A blonde and a brunette are in an elevator and the brunette sees a man with dandruf and says to the blonde "that guy needs some head and shoulders" and the blonde replies "I know how to give head but what`s shoulders? 13)One fine summer day, a man took his 6 year-old daughter to the beach. This was in fact a nude beach. So, they got undressed and laid on the beach towel. The little girl saw the man's penis and asked, "Daddy, what's that?" He replied, "That's my bird. Don't touch my bird. He'll get mad." So, the little girl left the bird alone and started to make a sand castle. Time goes by and she realizes that her daddy was sleeping. The bird was staring right at her, so she decides to go and pet it. The man wakes up in the hospital. He asks his daughter, "What happened? Why am I in the hospital?" She says, "Well, I saw your lonely bird just sitting there, and I wanted to pet it. So I did. The next thing I knew, he stood up and spit all over me! So, I burned its nest, smashed its eggs, and broke its neck." 14)A guy walked into a bathroom and started pissing He looked over and saw a really little man taking a piss. The guy looked over at him and said, "Hello." The little man said, "Hi, I'm a leprechaun!" The guy was amazed. The leprechaun said "I like you. I am going to grant you 3 wishes." The guy was skeptical but he decided to go along with it. The guy said, "Okay, I want a big house." The leprechaun said, "When you return home, you will have a huge mansion!" The guy said, "And then I want a beautiful woman for my own." The leprechaun said, "I will give you a woman so wonderful you will never look at anyone else." The guy didn't know what to wish for 3rd. He looked over and saw the size of this leprechaun's dick. It was huge. He said "Okay, my third wish is to have a big dick as big as yours." The leprechaun said, "I'll give it to you if you let me screw you up the butt." The guy didn't want to, but he really wanted a big dick. So the two were tearing it up! All the sudden the guy yelled out, "I can't believe I'm letting a leprechaun screw me up the butt!" Then the leprechaun said, "I can't believe you think I am a leprechaun." An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!" Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M&M factory? She threw away all the "W&W's" A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car. "235,000 miles." Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the blond's friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles. The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!" What do turtles and blondes have in common? If they're on their back, they're screwed! A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. "The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again." I knew a blonde that was so stupid: she called me to get my phone number she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said concentrate she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind she got stabbed in a shoot-out she told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don`t walk" she tried to put M&Ms in alphebetical order she sat on on the t.v and watched the couch she sent me a fax with stampes on it she tried to drown a fish she thought a quarterback was a refund she got locked in a grocery store and satarved to death if you gave her a penny for her thought you would get money back they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade under "education" on her job application she put "hooked on phonics she tripped over a cordless phone she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here" she put Sagittarius she asked for a price check at a dollar store it takes her two hours to watch 60 minutes if she spoke her mind she`d probably be speechless she studied for a blood test she thought Boyz 2 Men was a daycare center she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats she thought she needed a ticket to soul train she sold her car for gas money when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not addmited) she went home and got 16 friends when she heard that 90% of all crime occurs around the home, she moved she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

If you have any jokes that you would like on this site you can e-mail them to me at [email protected].