Immediately, several reasons jumped to the fore. Then several more. Then a whole busful of reasons arrived and stampeded alarmingly. But I ignored them, and proceeded nonetheless. Some of them are funny, some of them will make you want to shove a particularly un-aesophaegus-shaped kitchen utensil down my aesophaegus, and some of them are just plain weird. But all of them are random, and all of them are thunked. Hence the cleverly-subtle section title, see?
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Everything in life conforms to God�s Law Of LAB (Life�s A Bitch). This Law states that, for example, you know how every day you arrive for the bus ten minutes early? And every day the bus arrives ten minutes late? Well, the one day that you get there forty-five seconds late, the bus will be pulling away into the distance, right on time.
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Every pupil of St Ninian�s High School, Kirkintilloch (not the one in Glasgow) must perfect the Mr Higney �I�ve-Just-Soiled-Myself� Walk before acceptance into any social circle.
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Just after you wake up, your bed is the warmest place in the known universe.
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You can�t �not� be playing The Reggie Plate Game.
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Parents are evil: they make you go to bed when you want to stay up, and get up when you want to stay in bed.
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That stupid freakin� �I love horses� advert is deeply annoying and should be removed off the face of the earth.
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Those Anchor Spreadable adverts with the cows are deeply cool and should be broadcast all over the face of the earth.
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Never spit into the wind.
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A karate Gi (the big white suit) is the world�s single most awkward article of clothing to be wearing when one is trying to get to the toilet.
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Never piss into the wind, either.
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I you see a llama that�s on fire, don�t spray it with a fire extinguisher. Take it from someone who learned the hard way.
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In fact, you know what? Let�s just steer clear of excreting any fluids whatsoever into the wind, okay?
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Truth hurts. Especially when It�s applied with a large hammer.
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Stupid Things People Say: "Can I ask you a question?"
Well, first. you just did. And secondly - short of ramming a twelve-inch spike through your windpipe - could I even stop you if I wanted to?
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When you�re on a plane, and you get a seat near the engine, don�t complain to the stewardess about the noise. When the noise stops, that�s when you tell the stewardess.
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The small version of a bull is called a bullock, right? So what would you call the small version of a butt�?
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Vegetarian haggis is like a greyhound with no legs.
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No matter how many signs you put to tell someone something is covered in Wet Paint, they still have to touch it and find out. Think it works the same with signs that say �great in bed?�
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Daniel Radcliffe is such a bad actor it really is unbelievable. Even I can act better than him, and I�m not getting paid ten million quid for the privilege. The only place I�ve ever seen more wooden acting is in old episodes of the Thunderbirds.
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Man cannot survive on E-Numbers alone� but this one�s damn well gonna try!
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You know the Lombard Direct advert? The one where the phone thingy pops in the room and goes �Are you losing sleep over your finances?� That thing has always struck me as annoying. I mean, this small blue plastic phone appears in a room with a happy, peacefully sleeping family, and goes, at the top of its voice, �ARE YOU LOSING SLEEP OVER YOUR FINANCES?!?� waking them all up in the process.
You just have to scream at the TV, �No you stupid prat, I�m losing sleep because small blue plastic phones keep appearing in my bedroom and asking inane questions at four in the morning!�
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Busted: The reason you should never mix three wannabe rock stars, three electric guitars, and several hundred thousand tubs of hairgel.
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There is no sound in the universe quite like that of a contact lens flipping inside-out.
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If the good Lord had wanted us to fly, he wouldn't have made the ground so hard.
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In practically ever film he's ever been in, Ben stiller has a massive fake moustache, closely resembling the common or garden lemming. You have to wonder if, during filming, someone on work experience has ever mistakenly believed that he was under attack from some kind of demented ferret, and beaten him in the face with a fire-extinguisher in a mistaken attempt to save him.
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You know how apparently everything (like frog's legs, for example) tastes like chicken? How do they know it tastes like chicken? What if everything, including chicken, actually tastes like frog's legs?
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For a smile that glows, brush twice daily with CleaniDent.
Or live near a nuclear testing site.
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Have you ever noticed that thing about couches? Whenever the cushions and backs are removed, a selection of pen lids and bits of fluff is found, along with various coins - all of which will be completely unidentifiable-of-origin, most of which will be utterly unconfirmable as any recognisable denomination of local or international currency.
This has led me to the logical conclusion that old sofas are, in fact, gateways through reality, "concealed black holes" if you will, and slowly sprout money, drawing it in from some alternate dimension of the space-time continuum.
As the total volume of money generated is directly proportional to the length of time the couch is left untouched (I've studied this, you know), I can conclude that old sofas will, in the future, replace the concept of investment banking. Instead, people will buy antique sofas, entrusting them into the care of large, specialised security firms who will guard your investment zealously in its own personal protection vault.
However, in this new industry which will spring up, corruptuion and embezzlement will be rife, with a truly honest proprietor being a rare and valuable find. An entire new segment of crime will develop, known as "Upholstery Fraud."
On an unrelated note, did you know that the consumption of eccessive quantities of cheese can result in hallucinations and delusions, along with the ability to predict the planet's future using nothing more than current progression curves and an intellect rivalled only by two short planks?
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Stupid Things People Say: "Plenty more fish in the sea"
You've just broken up with your girlfriend. Your best mate is trying to console you. "Don't worry, forget about her. There's plenty more fish in the sea."
"Oh, right! Suddenly I feel so much friggin' better, you know? My true love has left me, I'm severely depressed, and I'm on the verge of hitting sucicidal, but, obviously, as long as the ichthyologists of the world stay employed, then everything's fine! Huzzah!"
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Landlord! A flagon of thy finest pudding!
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