And God said �Let there be light�; and there was a distinct lack of light. And God said �Damnit, the fuse must have blown again. Bloody thing always goes just when you�re creating the universe, doesn�t it?� And God poked around in the fuse box with a fork, and then there was light. And God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness. God called the Light Day, and the Darkness He called a rock band.
You know them� the one with the guy who sings so high you have to question the existence of his testicles?
And there was evening and there was morning, one day.
And God said � Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it separate the waters from the waters.� And then God paused, and He muttered under his breath, �I have no idea what I just said.�
And God made the firmament, and separated the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament. Just cause He wanted to, right? And it was so. And God called the firmament Heaven.
And there was evening and there was morning, a second day.
And God said, �Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear.� And it was so. God called the dry land Earth, and the waters that were gathered together He called Seas. Now, wasn�t that a happy coincidence? And God saw that it was good. And God said �Let the earth put forth vegetation, plants yielding seed, and fruit trees in which is their seed each according to�� but then God wanted to go off down the pub, so He said �Oh, you know what I mean, just do it.�
And God said �Let there be Happy Hour,� and Lo, then there was Happy Hour. And God saw that it was good.
And there was evening and there was morning, a third day.
And then God awoke upon the fourth day, and God was hung over. And God saw that He had eaten a kebab last night. He saw it in great detail, in fact.
And God looked at the world, and God saw that it was screwed.
And He said to Himself, �Man, I�ve messed this thing up. maybe I should outsource.�
So God called a builder, and God said unto the builder,
�So� uh� can you fix it?�
And the builder said unto God,
�Sure��
And Lo, he scratched his arse.
�But it�s gonna cost ya.�
And God said unto the builder,
�I�ve got a better idea. How about we come to a mutual agreement, huh? You fix the bits I messed up and build the rest, and then I won�t have to fry your spleen with a sizeable lightning bolt.�
And the builder laughed in a rather tense fashion, and the builder said unto God,
�That sounds� uh� great.�
And the builder paused. And the builder began to regain his stride.
�But of course, there�ll be labour costs� and material expenses - and the geysers, they�ll not come cheap � and then you�ve got��
And Lo, a bolt of lightning flashed to the ground and left a gently smoking patch of charred earth precisely four millimetres from where Mister Builder had been standing.
And Mister Builder grinned nervously, and Mister Builder said unto God,
�Which will obviously be paid by us, at no charge to yourself, of course.� And Mister Builder gave another forced smile.
And, on the sixth day, the builder was finished. And God saw that it was good. So God went out to the pub again. And on the seventh day, God was hung over once more. So on the seventh day, God rested.
So God blessed the seventh day, and God hallowed it. (Well, he had to have some kind of excuse, didn�t he?)
The End
(Well, the beginning really, depending on how you look at it)
Now, in order to avoid burning in Hell for all eternity (I hear they have pointy objects up there even Hitler hadn�t dreamed of) I would like to finish up with some holiness. I hope you will all join me in saying:
Hail Mary, full of grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou amongst women,
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.
Our Father, who art in Heaven,
Hallowed be Thy name.
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
And forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
Lead us not into temptation
And deliver us from evil.
Well, that should about even it up. Assuming I just got all you nice people to read it, that should at least count for something.
So please don�t roast my sacreligious ass.
Amen.
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