Crotchety Bastards

In Japan, your business is everyone's business. In living in a society that birthed the expression, "A nail that sticks out is hammered in," everyone needs to be an enforcer. Correction: everyone who is anyone should be enforcing. In such a highly stratified society were age makes reason, the responsibility falls upon the most crotchety of old bastard imaginable. After suffering a long, meaningless life of subservience, they hit their apex of authority just before their back gives out. Not only is it their time to lash back at all these ungrateful younglings, but a moral responsibility to preserve the society, one squirrel at a time.

It comes really at any blossoms of life's eternal hierarchical power rose bush. Employers regularly critique employees on eating habits. "Oh of course she has a genetically predetermined medical condition. It's because she doesn't eat enough raw shellfish, rotting beans and boiled chicken fat."

I went to Kamakura today to see if there was even a hint of cherry blossoms coming from the main street, completely lined with cherry trees. The buds still were pin points. I continued to the temple grounds. A small cluster of women, all under 30, were clustered around a lone plum tree in full bloom. A squirrel was in the middle of all the pink blossoms furiously nibbling the center out of one.

It was really cute. I was going to get out my camera after I checked out a sign listing the festivals too. Now that I thought about it, I think that squirrel was on to something. Maybe I'd try a few blossoms on my way back.

Luckily some one saved us the trouble. Crotchety old guy came to the rescue. The bastard actually walked through the tight crowd of twenty women, all less than half his age, placed his old bastard foot up on the tree, and began to kick it to scare away the squirrel. The critter jumped to the next tree over, freaked out.

The crotchety bastard, his face contorted in a permanent scowl walked away, the deed done. Not a single person said anything to him. They just kind of stood there, pretending the squirrel never left. Times like this really make me want to study more Japanese so I can cuss cratchity bastards out- yet do it on a point by point basis. Luckily people like him are a bit rare, but enough to drive me to learn the language, for those special moments.

Staring is also normal. If you can't change the younglin, you can glare them back into line. At least they try. I found the best way to mug a store is hire some one who looks funny. Lets see, how about a foreigner. Foreigners commit crimes. Japanese hear about it all the time on the news. Have them go, in broad daylight, into the store, leave after making several purchases, and promptly begin pumping up a tire on a bike.

I did that. I knew my tire was low on air, so I started pumping it up. The security guard (old, and considerably crotchety) started just glaring. I have a little pump, so it takes me a few minute to pump it up. He, oh-so-casually, walks over and stands less than three feet behind me, just staring. Maybe he doesn't think I'll notice? I'm trying to stifle laughter, but a few giggles escape. I finish with my tire, unlock my bike (I was tempted to pull out my folding pocket saw and play with it a little bit first- you know, give the guard his money's worth). I put on my helmet and gloves. The whole time he just glared from a few feet behind.

Now mind you, during this long distraction of a foreign-type pumping up his bike tire, the guard's attention is completely enveloped. While this suspicious activity pursues, feel free to rob old ladies, vandalize supermarket property, and drink heavily in the street while flipping through you latest issue of "Cartoon High School Girl Sex Monthly". The guard is on the job, glaring the bejeezus out of one so obviously genetically predisposed to crime and violence. Mind you, there are a large number of people who still believe the US started WWII with Japan. Americans are such dangerous people.

Oh, and as a note, the last one on the list, drinking alcohol and reading cartoon child porn in the streets is perfectly legal. In fact, you can get sake in convenient juice box forms. It makes sightseeing much more interesting.