Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know! I can't read his mind! Do I look like a psychic to you?
Three idiots are driving to Disney Land. They spot a sign that says, "DisneyLand left>" So they turn around and go home.
There were two tanker trucks full of paint. One had red paint and one had blue paint. One crashed and the second piled up on it the paint and crew got dumped into the ocean. What happened to the crew?
They got Marooned!
FAMOUS QUOTES FROM MY FRIENDS
Nick:Go to bed with an itchy butt, wake up with stinky fingers.
Alex:Have you looked at your face!
K STEW:I'm warning you, I don't know karate!
Nick:If you scratch my back I'm not scratching yours back because that's just gross!
C:The early bird gets eaten by the cat!
K STEW: If it was good it wouldn't be leftover!
K STEW (yes, again): I forgot what I was gonna say...
What did the salt say to the pepper?
Salt and pepper don't talk! Duh!
Teacher: Students, what happens after the lion roars?
Student: The movie starts!
Girl: What did you get that little medal for?
Boy: I got it for singing!
Girl: What did you get the big medal for?
Boy: I got this one for stopping!
A kid gets twelve cents a pat on the head from his dad every time he gets a good report card. By the time he was twelve he had $500 and a very flat head.
Once there was a boy running around a block surrounded by streets. A police officer noticed him and asked what he was doing. The boy said, "I'm running away but I'm not allowed to cross the street.
The Principal of a school recieved a phone call. The caller said, "Jimmy won't be coming to school today because he has got the flu!" The principal said, "Oh, dear thats to bad, may I ask who is calling?" The caller responded, "My dad."
A entire class of students were on a cruise field trip. The principal asks, "What do you yell if a boy falls overboard?" Students answer: "Boy overboard!" Principal says, "That's right! What do you shout if a teacher goes overboard?" Students answer, "Hurray!"
Knock knock!
Who's there?
You Know
You Know Who?
That's right! AVADA KADEVRA! Ahahahaha...
An old man walks into a bar. Ouch!
The clock struck ten. Ouch!
An idiot and his father go camping. The father asks why the matches won't lite.The idiot says, thats funny, they were working when I lit them all this morning.
Why did the cow cross the road?
A: He thought it was a milky way!
Q: When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
A: While playing sherades!!!
A detective got a new office building. Somebody knocked on the door. In order to look successful she pretended to be on the phone. She said, "come in!" The man came in. "As you can see we are very busy here" she said pointing to the phone, "so what are you here for?" "Not much" The man responded. "Just here to hook up your phone line"
Judge: Order in Court
Defiant: I'll take a double cheeseburger.
Judge: I find you guilty and I'm giving you a choice, $15,000 or six month in jail.
Defiant: I'll take the money.
Boy: Boy is our school principal stupid.
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Boy: No.
Girl: I am the principals daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Girl: No
Boy: Okay, good!
Costomer: Waiter there's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Shh! Your making every one jealous!
Costomer: Waiter there's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Don't worry we won't charge you extra.
Costomer: Waiter what's this fly doing in my soup!?
Waiter: Well it looks like he's drowning.
What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?
Wa sa bi! (Yes it is familiar but if it doesn't that is why it's here)
FUNNY ICONS
YO MAMMA JOKES
Some of these are offensive. However they are not intended to be innapropriate. They are intended to be offensive though. After all they are yo mamma jokes.
Your Mammas so fat that I can use her underwear as a hammock.
Yo Momma is so fat that she sunk Atlantis... twice!
Yo Momma is so stupid that in order to take a picture of herself she used a camera with flash on in the mirror.
Yo Momma is so stupid that she came home from a house of mirrors in order to put on her make up.
Yo Momma is so stupid that she thought she was locked out when she pushed on a pull door.
Yo Momma is so fat that while she was swimming in the ocean she was mistakened as an uncharted island from a helicopter above.
Yo Momma is so stupid she got lost in a one way hall way.
Yo Momma is so stupid that she thought suicide was a street name.
You Momma is so ugly that everywhere she goes has to be quarantined.
Yo Momma is so stupid that she has to put a ruler next to her bed in order to see how long she slept.
CHUCK NORRIS FACTS:
The round house kicking legend finally has some of his own facts on my website! Note that once again I did not and could not come up with all of these jokes. Some of them are passed down, some from friends, and yes I have made some.
1. Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.
2. Every night kids check in their closet for the Boogey Man. Every night the Boogey Man checks in his closet for Chuck Norris.
3. When God said let there be light, Chuck Norris said, "Say please!"
4. If you have 5$ and Chuck Norris has 5$, Chuck Norris has more then you.
5. Chuck Norris can play Russian Roullete with a full gun and win.
6. Chuck Norris can clog a toilet with his urine.
7. Chuck Norris can save a fish's life by performing CPR on it.
8. Chuck Norris reffers to himself as fourth-person.
9. They say Chuck Norris went back in time to father himself because no man was bad enough or cool enough to father Chuck Norris.
10. There is no Big Bang theory only Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick.
11. Chuck Norris once lost his leg in a car accident and just walked it off.
12. Chuck Norris uses actual pepper spray on his steak.
13. Chuck Norris sued MySpace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
14. Chuck Norris sued TNT for taking the name of his left and right leg, Law and Order.
15. Chuck Norris plays soccer without using his feet.