| Episode 18: Swaperoo |
| Our heroes voyage on into the incredible unknowns of space, all while watching they�re favorite soap opera. Soap opera woman: Jack! Stop! Don�t leave me! Soap opera man: I have to, Linda! I don�t love you anymore. I love your twin sister, Denise! Mat: I wish I could be on TV. Or at least in a cartoon. Jer: That might be entirely possible. Brit: *sniff* Jack�don�t leave her! Anita: *sniff* You�re a�*sniff*�horrible man! Just�horrible! Jen: *sniff* I would never have guessed! Her twin sister, Denise�*sniff*�poor, poor Linda� Al: *sniff* I mean, he�s not being sensitive to her needs! *sniff* Jer (looking down on Al): And�he�s in charge of security on my ship?? Ben: I could take over for him, I really don�t mind. Mat: Hmm�he does look intimidating, doesn�t he? Ben (puffing our his chest): Ahem hem. Well, I do my best. Jer: That settles it. Ben, you�re now in charge of security. Anita: Well if he�s going to change, I want to change too. Brit: I think I should be captain. Dan: In theory, a brief alteration of positions throughout the ship should boost crew moral. We would work more effectively as a whole afterwards. Jen: *sniff* I�m still hooked on the soap opera, so in an emotional fit I�m going to demand the chief engineer�s position. Al: But I don�t wanna change! Ben: Should have thought of that before you gave us the sap fest. Anita: I want the captain�s job! I want the captain�s job! Mat: Can I be the first officer? Jer: You already are! All right. Since nobody can agree, or has given an opinion opposing anyone�s suggested position, we�ll draw from my cool bucket hat. ***Jeremy takes off his cool bucket hat and puts all of the jobs on pieces of paper in it and shakes them all up*** Ben: Me first! Woohoo! I got security! Brit: All right me next. Aww man! I got chief engineer� Al: *sniff* I should�*sniff* probably get doctor or something�cool! I got pilot! Mat: Picking�picking�first officer??? What a rip-off� Anita: Please be captain�woohoo! I got captain!!! Jen: That leaves doctor, operations and psychiatrist. Aw damn, I got ops. Isn�t that the boring job? Ben: Hey, I resent that! Dan: I am pleased I received the chief surgeon position. I hold several degrees in exobiology as well as human sciences, home economics and� Jen: Wait� Brit: Uh oh� Mat: What? What�s wrong? Al: Jeremy gets psychiatrist! Jer: Hahaha, suckers! ***three hours later*** Jen: Captain, there�s a blinking light on the round screen. Al: I see it too. Anita: What colour is it, Jennifer? Brit: Umm�red. Mat: Red means bad, captain. Anita: I know, Schnubb! Mat: Well well well, somebody�s getting comfortable. Anita: Ben, prepare weapons. Bridge to engineering, Brittany, can you divert power to weapons from non-essential systems? Brit (on the intercom): No promises. Absolutely no promises at all, whatsoever, got it? Anita: Very good, engineer. Alex, bring us in to communications range. Jennifer, raise shields and monitor power flow. Ben, power up the weapons and prepare to fire. Mat: Wow cap�n, you�re not bad at this! I thought you could barely fly the ship, let alone command it. Jen: The blinky red dot is closing on the blinky blue dot. I think the blue dot is us, because it says Rentacar under it, but there�s no way to be certain. Anita: Ben, open hailing frequencies. ***Monkey X appears on the TV screen*** Anita: Aha�I thought it might be a vile creature such as you. Monkey X: What is this treachery? Where is captain Jeremy? Anita: We swapped! Hah! Now I shall defeat you, wicked scum! Close the screen! Open fire! ***20 minutes later, the Rentacar was disabled and the ship was boarded*** ***On the bridge*** Monkey X: Perhaps you should think before speaking, �captain�. Hahahahaha! Anita: I will defeat you, inane mortal! ***Anita attacks Monkey X, but gets her ass kicked*** ***Jer walks on the bridge*** Jer: Anyone up for a little�therapy!?!?! Monkey X: No, it cannot be! I was assured you weren�t here! Invasion force, retreat! ***Monkey X and his minions retreat to their ship and fly away*** Anita: That�s not fair! Now I have to go see Dan! Look at these bruises! Mat, you have the bridge. Power down shields and weapons. Alex, resume our original course, full inter-stellar drive power. Jer: Seriously, dose anyone want some therapy? Nobody came to see me yet. I think the captain could use some therapy. Mat: Hey, schedule me in for 1 o�clock. Jer (writing on a pad of paper): One o�clock, bring a teddy bear. Alex: I�ll take some of that, put me down at 2 o�clock. Jen: Sure, I�ll take some at 3. Ben: Although it goes against my better judgment, I�ll take some therapy. I�ll be there at 4 o�clock. Jer: Mmm hmm�4 o�clock it is. And you, captain? As the crew counselor, I could order you to take the therapy, you know. Anita: Fine, fine, 5 o�clock. Dan (on the intercom): Jeremy, I�ve noticed a number of scrupulous injury factors that could be linked to stress. Pencil me in for 6 o�clock. Brit: (on the intercom): Jer! Jer, help! The superhyperduperspaceflight drive is on fire! Help! Get down here now and send some help! Jer: Okay, Brittany; 7 o�clock. That seems to be everybody. ***At 1 o�clock*** Mat: This couch is comfy. Jer: Say, Mat, have your co-workers mistreated you lately? Mat: Lately? More like�all the time! Jer: Tell me, do they call you names? Mat: Yes! Yes they do! *sniff* All the time! Jer: Do the make fun of your protruding hair? Your useless information? Mat (crying): Ooooh stop! They always do! They never stop! Jer: It�s okay, let it all out. Your protruding hair is beautiful in this room, don�t be ashamed of it! Embrace it! Embrace your heritage and those disgusting feet of yours! Mat: Your right! I will embrace it! I won�t let them trample over my feelings, ever though they are 170% more sensitive than most humans! Jer: Now go, and remember, embrace it all! ***At 2 o�clock*** Al: Piloting the ship is really boring. You don�t get to shoot; you don�t even get to poke anything. You just wonder around. No wonder Anita wanted to change so badly. Jer: So, Alex, you like to shoot things? Al: Hell yes! It�s what I do for a living! Jer: You don�t have a problem with aiming? Al: Who needs to aim? Just shoooot! Shoooooooot! Jer: I have an idea. The ship�s targeting range is equipped with simulation rifles that don�t shoot real ammunition. They shoot laser bullets that can�t hurt anybody. Al: Where�s the fun in that? Jer: The fun is that the simulated targets are cute little chipmunks. Al (running away): Deeeeaaath! Kill the monkeys! Die you little chimps! ***At 3 o�clock*** Ben: I really can�t stand all of the death. It�s not in my nature to kill, I just can�t handle the fact that after I press the button to fire the ship�s guns, people, actual people, are going to die. Jer: Ben, think of it this way. If you didn�t press the button, you�d be unemployed. Ben: Well, I suppose that is a factor. Jer: And also, think of this. You aren�t killing people; you�re only killing robots. All of our enemies are robots so that we can show our logs to little kids in school, get it? And when our enemies are real people, we just kick their asses, that�s all. Ben: Really? Woah�I feel better now�I�m glad I only blow up robots and not real people. ***At 4 o�clock*** Jen: And then I was like �so what� and she was like �so you enjoy it� and I was like �like duh I enjoy it� and she was all like �don�t do that thing� and I was like totally not going to do the thing but she thought I was going to do the thing and then I did it just because she thought I was going to do it and then I was like �I�m going to do it� and she was totally freaked out. Jer: I see. Maybe you should make peace with your pet spider before you squish her accidentally. Jen: Like, that�s totally the best advice I got all week! Dr. Phil�s got squat on you, sugar gee. Jer: Cutie pie? Hmm�I think it�s��hip��that you �chillax� with your �homies� in the �crib� eh? Jen: Totally! I am sooo getting a vibe right now! Are you feeling thise vibe?? ***At 5 o�clock*** Anita: What I don�t understand is how come you can kick Monkey X�s ass and I can�t! It�s completely unfair! I demand answers! I�m captain now; I should get the full explanation! I want answers, damn it! Jer: Hmm�stress due to dramatic encounter of the 14th stage. I recommend swallowing these. Anita: Pills? No way. Not unless they taste like grape. *gulp* Mmmm�they are grape! Woah�grapes come of �vines�right? Or�trees? No�they grow in the ocean�but only under rainbows�mmm�these are good pills�rainbows in the ocean� ***At 6 o�clock*** Dan: Paradoxically, the identical quantity of atoms are to be found in coenobium as can be found in several of the key elements that form the reaction in the superhyperduperspaceflight drive chamber to allow the ship travel faster than light. Jer: You seem to be rambling on about nothing in particular. If I�m not mistaken, I�d say you have a cold. If I were you, I�d see the doctor right away. Dan: But I am the doctor now, remember? Jer: Oh yeah. Well, what is your opinion, doctor? Dan: Rambling on about nothing in particular, nasal congestion, fever, I�d say I have a cold. I�ll be in sickbay creating a cure. ***At 7 o�clock*** Brit: And the I couldn�t stop working or else the core would explode but if I didn�t stop working everything would have exploded anyways because I just really really suck at being an engineer and I wish I weren�t an engineer and I wish I could just have my old job back but if I had my old job back you wouldn�t be here and I would be talking to myself because I would be the counselor not you and that wouldn�t be cool because people would think I was insane which I�m not I just talk a lot a lot sometimes but not all the times because I don�t like talking that much it�s just that I was used to listening because I was the counselor but now you�re the counselor and I�m not and I wish I was the counselor agaaaaaiin�*sob* Jer: I see the problem here. Brit: You do? Jer: Yes. You want to be counselor again. Brit: Duh! I could have told you that. Jer: Surprisingly enough, you did. Brit: You suck as counselor. Give me my counseling stick back. Jer: In that case, I�m taking my captain stick back! I�m going to the bridge! Brit: So am I! ***On the bridge*** Jer: All right, that�s it! The seat swapping is over! It�s been a day and I think it�s safe to say it didn�t work! Brit: Damn straight! Jen: Thank god! Al: Yeah! All right! Ben: Well crappy buttons, here I come. Dan: I almost found the cure for the common cold, but whatever. Anita: But�but�I�m really good at this captain stuff! Jer: Anita, may I see you in my ready room please? ***In Jer�s ready room*** Jer: If you take your old station back, I�ll tell you the secret to being a captain. Anita: Well, okay, I guess. Jer: You can�t tell anybody. Promise? Anita: I promise. Now what is it? Jer: The secret is the chair. Anita: The chair? You mean the captain�s chair? Jer: The one and only. It�s got microchips in it that makes the occupant command-competent. Pretty nifty eh? Anita: Well what do you do when you�re not in the chair? Jer: Huh�I guess I hadn�t thought about that�I really couldn�t answer that question. Anita: You know, I bet there�s a moral to all of this. Jer: Care to venture a guess? Anita: Never swim in piranha infested waters. Jer: Well that�s a given. Then, once again, the Rentacar engages it's engines and go boldly where poeple have gone before, but with different adventures! Which ones await our heroes?? Find out on the next episode of: Adventures In Space!!! (echo effect) |