Most Americans celebrate Thanksgiving. But what is the real reason for the celebration? Is it to celebrate the peace between the Pilgrims and the Native Americans? Or is it the moist turkey and cranberry sauce that lure us in? Or is it just a good excuse to sit around, drink beer, and watch football all day? Of course those aren't the reasons!! But I bet you're asking yourself, "What is?" Well, let me enlighten you. The argument for sitting around and eating all this food is one simple, yet very complex reason: PIE.

Now really, think about it. After everything, there is pie. Pie finishes the meal. It is the finale of the meal. In a way, it is the meal. Without pie, Thanksgiving means nothing except the celebration of the end of some stupid feud between some Pilgrims and Native Americans!

One may comment, "Is Thanksgiving really worth it?" Of course it is! IF YOU LEARN ONLY ONE THING IN LIFE, LET IT BE THAT YOU ARE NEVER ALLOWED TO PASS UP THE OPPORTUNITY TO CELEBRATE PIE!

And that is all I have to say.

Remember that old cartoon show, "The Smurfs"? There was that bad guy, Gargomel. He was always trying to catch the Smurfs. And why did he want to catch the Smurfs, you ask? Well, he wanted to make Smurf pie! (Wow! It's all coming together now! You catch the Smurfs, and then there's pie.)

Oh, and you know what? Gargomel never actually caught the Smurfs. Why didn't he ever catch the Smurfs? Well, for one, the show would have had to be cancelled. Also, it probably would have freaked out the little kids who were watching. But besides that, Gargomel would never have been able to make really good pie in the two-dimensional format of cartoons. You can't capture the real essence of pie in just length and width. Honestly, pie has such depth!

So the writers and cartoonists sat down to discuss* these things. "What are we going to do about Gargomel?" they asked each other. "I mean, he can't just catch the Smurfs. That would look horrible!"

"Plus, we can't draw pie worth half a nougat. Those things are tricky."

"Yeah, and if we could, it would end the whole series and we'd have to go back to working for 'Scooby-Doo.'"

So the "Smurfs" team decided to have Gargomel try desperately to catch the Smurfs. But his efforts would have to be in vain. He would never be able to make that Smurf-y pastry, representing the eternal human struggle to be as powerful as pie.

* I don't know what they actually said, of course. This is just an artist's rendering.

You know the Amish, and how they're always selling pie, and never anything else except for the few occasional loaves of bread? And did you ever stop to think about the significance of the pie-selling?

Okay, think about it now, then. Out of all the things Amish folks could sell, they choose to sell pie. What is this saying about society? That we are pie lovers and cake haters? Of course it is! Cake is by far easier to make than pie, yet the Amish still make pie! Why is this, you ask? It is because the Amish are the smartest bunch of pacifists to hit this planet since sliced bread! ...But they have sliced pie! Since these people are so smart, they don't even have to be in touch with the rest of the world to know that pie is magnificent.

Did you ever think about why Amish people never want to be in touch with modern technology? It's because they don't want you to take pictures of their pie! If you do, you will capture the essence of the pie in the picture, and then eating the pie will be like eating any other boring food you pulled out of your fridge from last Sunday's dinner. If you get a bad pie that has been photographed, and you taste its boringness, you mihgt tell all your friends. Then nobody will eat Amish pie because some jerk decided it would be so cool to take a picture that they will put in an ugly photo album and probably only look at once in five years!

The amish people are not in touch with the modern world, but are actually ahead of us. This is because of their wonderful pie. I mean, sure, we make and sell pies in our society, but they just don't add up! The Amish pie is so unbelievably perfect that we will never ever be as pie-worthy as them!

A note on the links below: I'm surprised to find as many Amish websites as there are out there. You wouldn't expect it, what with that whole no-electricity thing and all. At any rate, I have some questions about that picture supposedly of three Amish men on the PA site.