Now, I'm not sure about you, but at my house we keep our plates and cups and things in cupboards in my pantry. In these cupboards (one is held shut with a screw) we keep winde glasses, glass glasses, coffee cups, plastic cups, custard cups, plastic bowls, ceramic bowls, salad bowls, mixing bowls, pyrex bowls, pyrex measuring cups, pyrex casserole dishes, a set of blue plastic plates, a set of dark green ceramic plates, a set of white ceramic plates, soup plates, and last but not least, pie plates. A little bit larger than a saucer, but smaller than a standard plate, a pie plate is supposedly "perfect" for a tiny little piece of pie. The same thing with a pie fork: it's smaller than the other forks and supposedly "perfect" for transporting a tiny little piece of pie from the tiny little pie plate to your mouth.

But why tiny? As we know from the Singular/Plural Pie Theory (which states that it is pie, not py) pie must be plural -- you can't have just one. Then why are we eating from these tiny little pie plates? We are not Lilliputians, for crying out loud. We are big loud massive consumers of pie, and we demand larger pie accessories to meet our needs!

Why do we even have pie plates anyway? We should be allowed to eat right out of the dish that the pie was baked on! With bigger forks! Oh, heck with the forks -- just give us the pie!

Another issue I want ot bring up is silverware ettiquete while eating pie. Let's ask the experts.

Q: Is it proper to eat pie with a spoon?

A: Only false test tube pie. And the spoons must be plastic.

Q: Let's say I am eating a pie that a friend of mine made. If it tastes terrible, what do I do?

A: Such a thing could not happen.

Q: What if I am eating pie with a friend, and a piece of mine falls on the floor?

A: You count to five, then pick it up and put it in your mouth. While your friend winces in disgust, but it on their plate.

Q: Does pie ettiquette vary with flavor?

A: When eating rhubarb pie, you must consume the bottom, then the filling, then the top. Then you must lick the plate.

Q: And if you don't?

A: Then your dishes will shrink.