Author: Toni McIntyre

Title: The One with All the Pretending 2/?

Summary: Rachel’s boss comes over, Joey plays husband, Ross fumes.

Dedication: To Helen, who I won over as a Joey/Rachel fan. Sigh…there are so few of us.

The One with All the Pretending 2: Husband and, er, Wife

"You WHAT!"

Rachel winces slightly and Monica lets her shock resound through the apartment.

"I told a little lie," Rachel says. "Itsy, bisty lie. Actually really I just failed to tell her I was married, she assumed—

"Rachel the last time you let some people assume, I ended up pregnant," Monica says, arms folded in front of her chest.

"Oh but it’ll only be for this one meeting," Rachel shrugs.

"And then what?" Monica demands.

"I’ll get a divorce or…something," Rachel shrugs.

"Good idea, Ross could get you a half off deal!" Phoebe pipes up from her seat at the kitchen table with Chandler.

"You know Rach, most people when they get remarried go for something better," Chandler quips. "But you seem to be going backwards…"

Rachel glares at him but Chandler just grins in his usual way.

"Oh does that mean when I get remarried I’ll get Brad Pitt?" Monica smirks.

"No honey, you got lucky the first go round," Chandler grins and Monica smiles beside herself.

"Okay," Rachel interrupts the Bing’s recent bought of marriage bliss. "It’s five o clock, Andrea is coming at six, which means I have to go over and get ready!" Rachel starts walking hurriedly towards the door and turns to say before leaving, "I want an outfit that says: loving wife, but no damn housewife."

Monica looks at Phoebe and Chandler, and they all share the same look caught between amusement and horror.

"Hey Joe!" Rachel says happily when she bursts into the apartment.

"Oh hey Rachel," Joey says, looking under the chair in the living room. "Have you seen the duck and the rooster?"

"Oh yeah, they’re spending tonight with Monica and Chandler," Rachel says. "I couldn’t have them here when Andrea came."

"Was Monica okay with that?" Joey raises and eyebrow.

"Well she doesn’t know."

Suddenly a shout comes from across the hall: "WHAT THE HELL!"

"Okay now she knows," Rachel says simply and Joey shrugs, getting up and sitting in his seat. He starts lazily flipping the channels on the TV and Rachel frowns, giving his outfit a scrutinizing look.

"What?" Joey asks slowly after realizing what she was doing.

"Oh, uh nothing…but…is that what you’re gonna wear?" she asks innocently.

"Yeah…why?" Joey has a sudden sense of foreboding.

"Oh uh, nothing," Rachel bites her lip. "But…could you possibly borrow a suit from Chandler? I just…you know, what you to look nice."

"I don’t look nice?" he asks, slightly hurt. He looks down at his jeans and red t-shirt. "Okay so maybe red isn’t my color—

"Oh no, Joey, it’s not the red, sweetie," Rachel says quickly. "I love what you wear! But it…just wouldn’t be something a doctor would wear."

"You told her I was a doctor?!"

"It slipped!"

"Too many things slip!"

"Look Joey, just go borrow a suit okay?" Rachel says gently. "I mean you play a doctor on TV, you’ll be fine!"

"Oh okay," Joey sighs and gets up to walk across the hall. "Hey Rach, what if she recognizes me from the show?" he asks, realizing that could be a MINOR problem.

"Oh don’t worry," Rachel waves it off. "She’s an All My Children’s fan."

"A WHAT!"

"Joey…"
"Okay, okay," Joey resigns, waving his hands. "I will let that slide."

"Thank you!"

Rachel goes into her room to change as Joey grumbles to himself, walking across the hall. He opens the door to Monica’s apartment.

"Hey guys," Joey says to Monica, Chandler and Phoebe.

"Hey," the chorus.

Monica is busy with something on the counter and Joey freezes as he looks.

"MONICA!" he shouts.

"What?" she jumps back to reveal the poultry she is in the middle of preparing.

"I mean I know you hate him," Joey whines sadly. "But did you have to COOK em!" he turns to Chandler. "And you were gonna eat em weren’t you, you traitor!"

"Woah, Joey, calm down!" Chandler says, jumping to his feet. "I would never let Monica hurt the duck or the rooster! Besides…that’s a chicken, man."

Joey glances at it before saying, "Oh…well they all look the same without the feathers!"

Chandler just shakes his head.

"Hey but I gotta ask you a favor," Joey says. "Can I borrow a suit?"

"Yeah, what for?" Chandler asks as the two walk into the bedroom.

"Oh it’s for that thing tonight with Rachel’s boss," Joey shrugs as Chandler hands him a navy blue suit, white dress shirt and pin striped tie.

"Joey doesn’t this freak you out?" Chandler asks as Joey sizes up the outfit.

"Not really," Joey shrugs. "I mean, yeah, it’s weird and all but it’s a favor. Think Rach’ll like this?"

"Yeah," Chandler nods in reference to the suit and Joey smiles in approval before leaving the apartment with quick promises of later to Phoebe and Monica.

"Joey borrowed a suit?" Monica asks. "Why?"
"His wife wanted him to wear one."

"Joey!" Rachel’s jumping in place, looking at her watch anxiously while shouting to the bedroom. "Come on, she’ll be here soon!"

"Okay, okay!" Joey complains and calls from the bedrooms a second later, "Rachel, where did you get these wedding rings?"

"They’re the shower curtain rings spray painted, why?"

"No reason."

"Oh just keep the indent on the inside and get out here."

But before Joey has a chance to come out into the living room, there’s a knock at the door.

"I’ll get it honey!" Rachel calls, even though she is standing a foot form the door.

"Okay!" Joey answers, playing along.

Rachel opens the door to reveal a slim, tall red headed woman standing there, smiling.

"Andrea, hi!" Rachel says cheerfully and gives her a small hug. "Come on in!"

"Rachel how wonderful to be here!" Andrea says and walks in, glances around the living room before commenting dryly, "Oh they really aren’t paying you enough are they?"

"Oh no," Rachel laughs. "Uh, this place holds more sentimental value to us. You see, my husband used to live here with his best friend, but he married my ex-room mate and moved in across the hall and then we got together."

"Oh how…cute," Andrea says, still smiling almost faking it. "Where is your husband?"

"Uh, he must be changing out of work clothes…" Rachel stammers and can feel her resolve crumbling.

"I’m here."

Joey steps slowly into the living room and Rachel is positively beaming. He looks great in the navy suit Chandler lent him and the gold ring—even if it is a painted shower curtain part—looked to suit him.

"Oh, Andrea," Rachel snaps back to reality and moves to Joey, who puts a protective arm around her. "This is my husband Joey, Joey this is my boss Andrea."

"Hi," Joey smiles.

"Pleased to meet you," Andrea grins and gives Joey an approving glance.

"Sweetie, Andrea and I are going to be talking shop for a while, so if you want to go over to Chandler and Monica’s you can," Rachel offers nonchalantly. It was all part of the plan.

"I think I will," Joey winks at her and kisses her on the cheek before shaking Andrea’s hand again. "Nice to meet you Andrea."

"You too Joey."

Rachel watches as Joey leaves and notices Andrea admiring certain parts of anatomy not to be admired in front of one’s wife…even if it is pretend.

"So Joe, how’s married life?" Chandler asks, laughing.

"What?" Ross demands from a chair in the living room.

"I had to pretend to be Rachel’s wife," Joey says hastily so not to freak Ross out. "It was just for her boss, you can’t freak out, please don’t freak out."

"Uh…me? Freak OUT?"

"You’re gonna freak out, aren’t you?" Joey says more to himself then to Ross.

"No…I’m just…gonna see the balcony," Ross gets up and leaves for the balcony, making sure the window is shut firmly before screaming into the New York night.

"Is that a curtain ring?" Monica asks, looking at Joey’s hand.

Before Joey can answer the door opens again and Andrea bursts in, Rachel follows apologetically behind.

"Joey you have to talk some sense into your wife!" Andrea announces. "I asked you both to come to my house tomorrow for a little house warming party and she says you’ll have to work! Now, come, tell me you can get out of it!"

Rachel is making frantic slashing gestures from behind Andrea, but whether Joey ignores or doesn’t notice, she isn’t sure.

But either way he seals their fate when he nods, "Sure!"

"Great! It’s at seven, Rachel, I’ll give you the address tomorrow," Andrea beams at both of them. "See you tomorrow."

"Bye," Rachel says and whirls on Joey the second the door is shut safely behind her. "Joey! What of THIS," she repeats earlier gesture, "Don’t you get?!"

"Hey it’s a party," Joey explains. "I thought, food, girls—

"Except you’ll be going married," Rachel says, raining on his parade.

"I would watch for your boss Rach," Phoebe announces from the living room. "She’s a husband stealer."

"Phoebe, what do you mean?" Monica asks slowly.

"She had ‘the eye’ on Joey the whole time!"

"Are you sure?" Rachel frowns.

"Oh yeah," Joey smirks, pleased he can still grab a woman’s attention.

"Shut up, it is NOT something to be proud of," Rachel informs briskly.

"Phoebe are you absolutely sure?" Monica asks.

"Oh definitely, you can tell when something like that is going on."

"Hey you think maybe that’s why she asked us to the thing tomorrow?" Joey asks.

The rest of the group turns to him, all wearing faces that scream: No kidding.

TBC…