REUNION: THEY'RE BACK! WHAT DO I DO NOW?
This information has been
augmented from the Family Readiness Handbook, published by Fort Bragg ACS, Ellen
Bowman, Family Readiness Coordinator, August 2000.
Readjustment
Reunion is a time of readjustment
after separation, whether long or short, planned or unplanned. Reunion can be both joyful and stressful
because it is a big change that affects everyone.
What We at Home Can Do
Remember that your spouse has
been subjected to daily regimentation and routines.
Schedules and preplanned
events may not be a good idea upon his/her return
Leave some room for
spontaneity
Your spouse may have trouble
sleeping for a while due to the change from routine field life, the presence of
other people in a barracks, or a time zone change
Do not be defensive about the way
you have handled the children. Discuss any
criticisms
calmly
It could take time to reestablish
sexual intimacy
Remember that people change, and
we notice these changes more after a long
separation
There will be a time of readjustment for everyone
Ideas for Family Members
To ease
readjustment:
Avoid tight
schedules
Understand the soldier's discomfort
and exhaustion
Allow time to
adjust
Stick to your
budget
Expect unusual
feelings
Make it Easier for Children
Make reunions easier for children
by
Recognizing that reunion may be
the most difficult time for them—harder than
either getting ready for
or getting through the deployment
Involving them in preparing for the
reunion
Giving them
time
They may feel
shy
They may be
confused
Expect them to test
limits
Planning family time to "get used to
being a family again"
Planning individual time with the returning parent "to get used to each other," but don't force the issue if the child isn't ready to spend time alone with the returning parent yet
Staying involved with school
activities and the interests of the child
Getting back in the swing of family
routine and activities just as soon as possible
Preparing for Reunion
Reunion is an exciting event; but
like separation, it requires adjustments. Help make the adjustments easier by
considering expectations, role changes, and budget
changes.
Expectations:
Do not expect things to be perfect
after a reunion
Allow time
Be understanding, and enjoy each
other's company as much as possible
Remember, open and honest
communication can help solve problems or conflicts.
Role changes
Roles and responsibilities may never
return to "pre-deployment" status (people grow
and change as time
passes)
Discuss responsibilities until roles
are clearly defined again.
Budget
changes:
Reunions add expenses to your
budget, such as higher food bills, greater
transportation costs, etc., so
plan carefully
Draft a "reunion budget" to help
point out new spending limits
Make reunions a joyful time
by:
Creating reasonable
expectations
Asking for time to
readjust
Communicating your
feelings.
Expect the
unexpected:
The soldier's arrival may reveal
surprises to all
Try to avoid making
judgments
Go slow:
Set aside family time during the
first few days rather than planning a busy schedule
of
events
Although reunion is exciting, it can
be stressful too
Think before you
spend:
There may be a natural tendency to
shower each other with expensive gifts and fancy
meals. Unless you can afford
such luxuries, it is important to try to stick to
your
budget
Don't disturb a family setup that
has been working well without you. Ease back
into the system gradually. Enjoy
being an "honored guest" for a while
Take it easy on the children,
especially where discipline is concerned. It may be
best for children to have
a consistent routine, so let the current rules stand
The family may be a little envious
of your travels, so go easy on the descriptions of
the seven-course Asian
banquets or German beer-fests, etc
If your sexual relationship is
awkward between you and your spouse at first, talk
it
over
Your spouse may appear to be
different. She/He may be a more confident and
independent person. Just
because your spouse can cope without you does not mean
that she/he
wants to
Post-deployment Stress
The homecoming and reunion of
soldiers, friends, and family has its own brand of stress. The following techniques may help
restore a sense of belonging and control.
Talk openly about
problems
Find people who can help with emotional support and
day-to-day problem solving
(friends, chaplain, social worker)
Cut big problems into smaller parts,
and use the step-by-step approach—look for
solutions
Join social
activities
Accept some setbacks (emotional,
financial, physical, or job related)
Avoid excessive self-blame for
readjustment problems
Do not use alcohol and drugs to
escape or forget problems
Fort Benning, Ga. (Army News
Service, Sept. 23, 2002)
By PFC Brain
Trapp
A deployment’s strain on a
relationship doesn’t end when the soldier comes home. Stresses of readjustment to family life
can be tough on a family too.
“While on a real-world deployment,
soldiers deal with stresses of the unknown, being away from their family, and
there is a ‘no-kidding’ life and death struggle,” said Lt. Col. John C, Chin,
Ph.D., command psychologist, who has worked with special operations the majority
of his career. “When soldiers get a
sense of morality, it wakes them up, and they realize it’s their family and
children who matter the most. If
they maintain a solid foundation in those areas, it makes for a better
life.”
There are more concerns for younger
marriages, Chin said. Spouses are
faced with new challenges like financial and childcare concerns and become more
independent and may feel contempt for the returning soldier for taking some of
their independence.
During redeployment, family members
typically deal with conflicting emotions.
There is excitement that the soldier is coming home. On the other hand, there is some
apprehension, according to the Department of the Army study “The Emotional Cycle
of Deployment, a Military Family Perspective.”
Some concerns include will I give up
my independence? Will we get
along?”
Ironically, even though the
separation is almost over, there can be renewed difficulty in making
decisions.
“Soldiers reconnecting with family
are coming from profound emotional experiences, and the spouse also had these
experiences, dealing with day-to-day issues by themselves, financial issues,
taking care of the children and gaining independence, Chin said.
“Sometimes partners can’t understand
what the other was dealing with while they were apart”, he said. “It’s better to ease into the
relationship --- maintaining a degree of independence and not to push
spontaneous reconnection. It’s a
new relationship. Both partners
have changed from their experience.”
Many spouses also have a burst of
energy during this stage, according to the study. There is often a rush to complete
“to-do” lists before their mate returns – especially around the home. It is almost inevitable that
expectations will be high.
Homecoming for the soldiers can be a
joyous occasion, but also a frustrating one.
The date of return may change
repeatedly. Despite best
intentions, the spouse at home may not be able to meet the returning soldier --
short notice, sitters can’t be found in the middle of the night, unable to get
off work.
Soldiers may expect to be received
as “heroes” and “heroines” only to find that they have to make their way
home.
The reunion with the children can
also be a challenge. Their feelings
tend to depend on their age and understanding of why the soldier was
gone.
Babies younger than 1 year old may
not know the soldier and cry when being held, according to the study. Toddlers may be slow to warm up. Pre-schoolers may feel guilty and scared
of the separation. School aged
children may want a lot of attention.
Teenagers may be moody and may appear to care.
In addition, children are often
loyal to the parent who remains behind and do not respond to discipline from the
returning soldier, according to the study.
They may also fear the soldiers return if a parent says, “Wait until
Daddy gets home.”
Eventually, soldiers will want to
reassert their role as members of the family, which can lead to tension,
according to the study. This is an
essential task and requires considerable patience to accomplish
successfully.
It is not realistic to return home
and expect everything to be the same as before the
deployment.
Reconnecting and understanding both
have changed sometimes during the deployment is critical, Chin said. The soldier may become a control freak
but must realize the spouse gained independence during their time part, and
that’s a good thing. It helps take
some of the day-to-day responsibilities of the soldier.
Soldiers may not approve of
privileges granted to children by the non-deployed parent, according to the
study. However, it is probably best
for the soldier not to try to make changes right away and take time to
renegotiate family rules and norms.
Not heeding this advice, the soldier risks invalidating the efforts their
mate and alienating the children.
Soldiers may feel hurt in response
to such a lukewarm reception, according to the study. Clearly going slow, lowering
expectations and taking the time to get to know each other again is critical to
successful reintegration of the soldier back into the
family.
The separation of deployment
provides the most important stage for both soldiers and spouse a chance to
evaluate changes within themselves and what direction they want their marriage
to take. Although a difficult as
well as joyful stage, many military couples have reported that their
relationship is much stronger as a result.
“NCO and officer leadership need to
know their people intimately, “ Chin said.
“Family support groups need to reach out to the young folks, particularly
the one’s who don’t participate, to prepare them for the stresses of
deployment.”
Most Army installations offer a wide range of service and support for soldiers and their families, Chin said, including counseling from mental health professionals, chaplains and Army Community Service advocates.