Four years is a long time. And for someone like Shah Rukh Khan, it's almost seems like a generation by itself. What was King Khan really like a few years back? Have his priorities really changed? Has the tempo died down? Is he still as insecure as he was then? Find out for yourself in this highly-charged self-obsessive interview of Shah Rukh Khan. The interview was done at a time when Shah Rukh was still a star, not the phenomenon that he is today. Discover him and feel the difference.

So tell me Shah Rukh, from television to movies to successful movies, how have you coped
with the transition? Has the change been drastic?
"You know, just the other day, I was telling one of Gauri's friends that the only change I see in myself is that there are a few more gaddas (moles) on my cheeks due to make-up. That's all. Otherwise it's all the same. Everything has happened so fast that I haven't even had the time to realise it. I mean, I feel as if I just landed in Bombay yesterday. I don't believe that it's been four years since I've been here. I remember, when I was shooting with Juhi for `Raju Ban Gaya Gentleman', she'd told me that she'd been in the industry for four years. And I'd kind of exclaimed, `FOUR YEARS'. That's a hell of a lot of time. But today, in spite of being in the indu try myself for as long, I don't feel a thing. Sometimes I think that I just haven't been able to enjoy my stardom."
 

Shah Rukh, how much do you think have you grown as an actor?
"You know, this is one aspect I don't believe in at all. I don't think that actors grow with time, it's a false notion. In fact, I feel that what I've done in `Kabhi Haan, Kabhi Naa', it would take me another four to five years to repeat that performance. Yes, it's a fact that after achieving a certain degree of success, an actor does tend to get a  little pompous in his performances. It's like `I'm a big star so I'm bigger than any role that's given to me'. But I don't think I fall into that category. Mainly because my legs still shake when I have to face the camera  I'm very insecure about my acting. I know I keep giving these statements that I'm the best, nobody can touch me, but it's all balls. I know how insecure I am. And I feel that if I lose out on that insecurity, maybe I'll lose my spontaneity. It's like when you're getting ready for a race. And the guy next to you says `on your marks, get set, go'. You know, that feeling one goes through between `get set' and `go' is perhaps undescribable. I experience the same feeling whenever I get ready for a shot. It's like, when an actor is just about to perform on stage, he feels like going to the loo. I feel like going to the shit-pot when I'm about to do a scene. I get that feeling
everyday. And I love it. Just now too, when I'm talking to you, see, my ears have gone cold. I'm nervous. But I'm enjoying it. I'm only scared that I'll lose out on these feelings one day. Then, I guess I'll become mechanical."

Haven't you already become mechanical?
"See, I know I have my limitations. I very well know that I just have four to five routine expressions. I'm surviving solely on them. Even today, when I see `Fauji', I can see some moments which I will never be
able to recapture. I'll give you an example. Rajesh Khanna gave a damn good performance in `Avtaar'. But it was nowhere close to `Safar'. And mind you, I'm not just talking about the physical change. So I guess this kind of thing happens with every actor. You know, an actor is never finished or burnt out, as people put it. It's just that after a period of time, he tends to lose out on his initial freshness. Like there are times when you like Kajol a lot. But how long is that freshness going to last? I'm sure she'll develop
into a fantastic actress. But she can never be what she was in `Bekhudi'. The other day, we were
working together and I kept telling her to do a particular scene in the manner she'd performed in
`Bekhudi'. She couldn't do it. So you see, acting is like that. You win some, you lose some. I don't
understand it when some actors, after giving a shot say, `Yaar, I can do it better'. How can you do it
better? You can only do it differently. Tell me, can Vinci make another Mona Lisa? He can probably
make something better but he'll never get the same smile. That's the reason why I can't around today
and say that I've become a better actor. Because I honestly don't know whether what I did in `Fauji'
was better or whether what I'm doing now is. But yes, it's a good excuse for me to say after some
years that I'm burnt out. That I'm finished."

You cannot deny the fact that you are getting repetitive.
"Why shouldn't I repeat myself? I have a lot of style and I know it. What people call my mannerisms
and gimmicks is basically my own individuality. And tell me, which actor in the world is not repetitive?
Marlon Brando, Dustin Hoffman, Robert DeNiro, don't they all repeat themselves? See, the beauty of
their performances lies in the fact that their roles are written in the lines that they speak. If you notice
carefully, they don't enact their characters in the manner we do. Tom Cruise will probably have a crew
cut because he's playing an army officer or he'll grow long hair because he's playing a devil or a hippie.
But he'll deliver his lines in his usual way. He'll never do a `K..K..K..Kiran'."

Are you just trying to give excuses for being a loud actor?
"I'm not finding any excuses for melodrama or hamming. But yes, our country is melodramatic. We do
cry when there's a death in the family. We'll scream, shout, sob, we'll be hysterical. On the contrary, in
the west, it's all so quiet and sombre. The difference lies in the way we live. So there's bound to be a
difference in our likes. Indians love loud actors. And I think I am cut out for melodrama. I admit, at one
point of time, I did feel that I was suitable only for English films. Today, after watching myself on screen
very objectively, I think I'm not made for them. I'm too dramatic, too loud, too stylised, too mannerised.
I have to act to be subtle. But I'm very proud of the way I act. I know Kundan Shah is going to kick me
in the butt for saying this but I do feel that there is no actor without a style. At the same time, I'm very
impressed with people like Ajay Devgan because he has no style at all. He's raw, normal, almost
stark. Why can't I do it?"

What makes you so angry, Shah Rukh?
"Any small little thing that hurts me, I guess. See, I'm a good guy. I've never wished anybody harm. So
I don't like it when people do it to me. Also the attitudes. I feel angry when I see `Phoolan Devi' being
stopped from going to the Oscars. I mean, come on. Out there, you can make a film on John F.
Kennedy's life, send it for awards and be proud of it. This is something I cannot do anything about. So I
take my anger out on something else. I get angry when people take advantage of me. When a big
producer calls me up and tells me that I have to attend some goddamn function the next day, I have to
say yes because the guy is big and I need him. So I have to go down on my knees. Remember the
time I hit a waiter at one of Subhash Ghai's parties? I was upset over some other reason and I took it
all out on the poor chap. Most of the times, I feel very bad after I unleash my anger on someone who's
innocent. And I do apologise to the person at once. But that's me."

Were you always like this? Or have you turned into a real-life devil only after achieving
success?
"I'm not being modest but honestly, I don't think that I'm successful. So the question of turning into a
villain after success does not arise. As far as success is concerned, let me tell you that my standards
are very high. I know a lot of actors who would love to be in my shoes. But I'm not content as yet.
Success for me is something what Amitabh Bachchan achieved. Okay, I've given four hits in a row.
So? People are writing scripts for me. So? I'm making a lot of money. So? Why do we make ourselves
the yardsticks of our success? I don't believe in it. For me, Robert DeNiro is the yardstick for acting.
So are Dustin Hoffman and Tom Cruise. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the yardstick for success. I may
never reach those heights, realistically speaking. I may never even achieve the kind of success
Shammi Kapoor, Amitabh Bachchan, Rajesh Khanna and Sanjeev Kumar did. But I will always keep
on trying."

I think you're just trying to fool yourself. Probably because you want more of it.
"Quite possible. I keep fooling myself all the time. That's the way I've chosen to live. For me, it's like,
I'm the best, **** the rest. Now I know somewhere along the line that I'm not really the best. I also
know that I can't just **** the rest. They're better than me perhaps. But I want to believe what suits
me. I'm like a frog in the well, a kooye ka mendak. This is my house, this is my wife, these are my
dogs, this is my computer and this is what matters to me. I'm not bothered about the big, bad world
outside the well I live in. I think I often fool myself to feel content. That's why I want to believe that I'm
not successful."

Is it helping?
"To an extent. It's helped me in being level-headed. See, the day I get the kind of success I want, I'll
probably become as corrupt as corruption. That's a fact. But otherwise, I will not let it affect me. See, I
never joined films to make money or be a superstar. I came into this line for a much deeper reason. I
came here only to get over my mother's death. This is something very few people understand. I lost my
mother, I lost my father, two of the people I loved most. What greater loss can I suffer? I can't lose
more. When my mother died, I too thought that I was going to die. But I did not die. Life did not end.
It's going on. In fact, by some standards, it's even better. I'm earning more money, I'm famous, I'm rich.
And I miss my mother even more. My biggest regret is that the more I rise higher in life, the more I
miss my mother. You know, when an actor becomes corrupt? When he's insecure of losing all that
he's got. I've lost much more than all this right in the beginning. Maybe in a couple of years from now
on, when I become dependent on my star-status, I will change."

Was it a deliberate attempt on your part to do only big banners?
"Not at all. When I signed `Dil Aashna Hai', Hemaji told me that I suited the role only because I looked
aristocratic. At that time, I had told her that I was not convinced with my character in the movie. I did it
only because I could not say no to Hemaji. Raakesh Roshan had told me that Amitabh Bachchan was
to play the title role in `King Uncle'. I signed the film because I wanted to work with Bachchan. Later,
when he was not doing the film, Raakesh Roshan called me up and asked me whether I too wanted to
opt out. I found that gesture very nice. G.P. Sippy had given me a choice between `Aatish' and `Raju...'
In `Aatish' I was to play either Aditya's or Atul's role. But I didn't want to do `Aatish'. I told them that
either I did `Raju...' or nothing at all. My attitude was, it's your loss, not mine. In fact, at one stage, I
almost didn't do `Raju...' because my mother was not well and I had to go back to Delhi. At that time,
even Vinod Chopra wanted to sign me for `1942 - A Love Story'."

A lot of people say that you built your foundation on other heroes' rejects.
"So what? `Darr' was Aamir's role and I knew that. Before I signed the film, I spoke to him at length as
to why he was rejecting such a brilliant role. Even `Baazigar' was a Salman reject. But that is
understandable. It was a novel theme and Salman was an established hero. So one can understand his
insecurity. Maybe if `Baazigar' was offered to me today, I would not do it. See, I did rejects but there
were two ways of looking at it. One was getting depressed and the other one was believing that the
roles were rejected by others because they were written for me. Even in `Deewana', I knew that I was
present only in six reels. But my attitude was, `Balls to whoever is acting in the film, balls to whoever
is directing it. I only know that I am `Deewana' and I have to be the best'."

Are you always so passionate about your roles?
"Always. And that's what's going to end me one day. I know it. I'm never satisfied as an actor. I'm
always restless. And this restlessness is going to bring about my downfall. It's going to burn me out
one day. If my normal run is ten years, with the way I'm going, I don't think I'll survive for more than four to five years. I really get scared sometimes, you know. Like when I go to sleep, I'm scared that I'll lose all that I've got by next morning. It'll be all gone. I get nightmares. Then there are times when I feel very tired. I just want to relax, do nothing but sleep. Now it happens to me once in six months. Maybe, it will happen twice in six months next. I'm dreading the day when it starts happening twice a week.
That's when I'll know it's going out of hand. I' really scared that my insecurities will destroy me. But
anyway, as of now, I'm really charged. I just want to go ahead and do the most different roles."

How do you react when your contemporaries do better than you at the box-office?
"I don't feel happy at all. I'm quite self-centred that way."

With your kind of super-ego, how will you cope with failure when it strikes you?
"I personally refuse to believe that anything can go wrong with my career. I want to live in a fool's
paradise. I want to believe that I'll always be at the top. See, the day I start worrying about tomorrow, I'll stop living for today. And I don't want that to happen. That's why it doesn't affect me when other heroes race past me. In fact, my friends get more bothered. `Arre yaar, he's the new superstar. You're so superior to him, do something about it', they keep telling me. But I've always done what has made me
enjoy my life. And I just have one life. I refuse to think about what will happen to my career two years
from now on. I mean, take Divya Bharati's example. Number One, next Sridevi, fabulous actress, great
future, best bet and suddenly, she was gone. So what are we planning for? Work is a very small
aspect of life. Why should you spoil your life only for that one insignificant aspect? I live by that. Of
course, deep inside, I know that one day, when I'll lose all my stardom, I'll be very sad. I'll be *******
shattered. Maybe I'll die. Maybe I'll take to drinks, drugs, commit suicide. But I don't want to think
about it till it happens. Maybe that's my way of escapism. I'm an escapist you know. Like an ostrich.
Put your head into the ground and the world doesn't exist for you."

Shah Rukh, how ambitious are you? Can you be cut-throat in this business?
"I can never hurt anyone. I feel God has given me so much only because I must be a good guy.
Otherwise I didn't deserve all this. But I'm not a manipulator. I treat all my directors equally."

Are you too dependent on your directors?
"I share a great relationship with all of them. I have a lot of fights with them too. I have fought with
Subhash Ghai over trivial matters. Even with Yash Chopra. One day he told me something so I gave it
back to him. He turned back and told me, `Okay guy, you're so ******* sensitive that I can't even say
anything to you'. I think my directors tolerate me because of my professionalism. That's something that
is unparalleled. I come on time, I go on time and I don't **** around with anyone's dates."

You are very arrogant, you know.
"I'm not arrogant, I'm just clear-cut. I have a lot of dos and don'ts. Initially even Subhash Ghai and Yash
Chopra thought I was arrogant. Yash Chopra told me the other day that after signing me on for `Darr',
he was still looking for a replacement because he thought I was too arrogant. He thought that I would
give him lot of trouble. Today, he says he can't even think of anyone besides me. See, my attitude is
`love me or leave me.' I'm very hard-working. I give you value for money. You may be a big director but I'm a big actor too. So you're not doing me a favour by taking me in your film. Don't expect me to touch your feet and dance to your tunes, no sir."

Tell me, why are you so wary of your heroines?
"I'm not into woman. I've never been and I don't think I'll ever be in the near future. I've never been
******* around with a heroine. That's because I get too worked up about my work. What is important to me is that when I'm working in a film and the heroine throws tantrums, I should be able to tell her, `You better come on time.'"

Do your heroines take this attitude of yours in the right spirit?
"Of course. All of them do. Because somewhere along the line, they too know that they've come here
to work. And they all like me because I'm a no-nonsense guy. That's why I feel I share a special
relationship with all of them."

What about your various link-ups?
"I told you that I've come here to work, not have affairs. People linked me with Kajol initially. I treat her
like a kid sister. I remember, during `Baazigar', I would give her a tapli and tell her how to act. I used to
hit her also at times. Then someone wrote that I was having an affair with Juhi Chawla? You know,
false stories like these spoil relationships. Juhi was the only actress who had attended my wedding
ceremony, in fact. And you know, I like interacting a lot with my co-stars. When stories like these
appear, I tend to be on my guard. I can't sit with any heroine in her make-up room because I fear that
people would think I'm ******* her. Believe me, the day I think of any girl in that sense, I will say it
openly. What I don't understand is that, why can't I be in love with the girl I'm married to? Come on,
we've just been married for two years and we're not bored of each other still. Some people even say
that I'm scared of my wife? What the ****? You tell me, if I ask you about your wife, what will you say? That she's a nice girl, sweet person, you love her, isn't it? So why should it be considered abnormal if I say the same?"

COURTESY: STARDUST MAGAZINE