I was a strong individual. I earned all A's in school, I studied terms past the knowledge of my peers, and I lived what I thought of as a productive life. But things at home were terrible. My parents and I had major problems at home, and we couldn't carry on a conversation without arguing. I hated them, sometimes even wished death upon them, and I lied and hid things from them. I went for almost five months with three Marilyn Manson cd's in my hands: cd's in which they banned from the house. I could relate to Marilyn Manson's life in so many ways, he seemed like an idol to me. I didn't realize what Hitler and hate music were doing to me until about January, when I decided I wanted to die.
My grandpa, whom I love to death, was an honorable man in WWII. He fought, I'm sure, with all his worth, through the trials life threw at him at that time. My uncle, Grandpa's brother, was blinded during the war. And yet I stood on the opposing side. I sided with Hitler. I'm almost tearing up now, as I write this, because it hurts so much to think about all that. But I will go on because I want everyone to know the misery.
I dealt with problems during that time of my life by simply saying, "I don't have to worry about it much longer, anyway. I'm going to die soon, then it will be over. They'll be sorry". I kept saying this for another three months past January. I had planned to commit suicide April 30th, the day Hitler killed himself. I used to think, Hitler ended his life when he knew he was defeated, so I'll do the same. My war has been defeated, too.
April 20th, 1999. Hitler's birthday. The Columbine incident. So much happend to me that day, I don't even remember half of it. I had silently rejoiced when I saw what Eric and Dylan had done in Littleton. One more point for our side, I had thought.
April 28th, 1999. The day was coming. I was more depressed than ever. I had confided in teachers who were also great friends for the past six months or so. They had laughed with me, and cried with me, too. I ended up telling one that day of my plans for April 30th. My nightmare was not rolling alone anymore. I had gotten it out into the open, and my relief started there. I still wanted to die, though.
The principal of my school took my mother out to lunch April 29th. He told her about my plans, which, by now, he had heard of. He gave my mother numbers of places to get help at.
It was an hour drive to Charter Mental Health Center of South Bend. I spent that hour plugged into my headphones. I didn't feel anything even my mother sat in the front seat crying her eyes out. My dad was silent the whole trip, if I remember right. I do remember the fear, though. I was scared to death of Charter. I remember as a kid in elementary school how kids would tease kids about going to Charter when they did something stupid. Charter was stereotyped as the lunatic asylum, and I think that may be why I was so scared. I had finally made the big time. I deemed myself demented enough to end up at the loony farm.
It's sad that I thought that, though, because there were no padded walls. There were no insane people. There were just people like me, but with their own problems. Runaways, suicidal people, substance abusers, that sort of thing. I remained at Charter for a week. I was diagnosed with Obsessive- Cumpulsive Behavior. I'm still on medication.
Death never came to me. I never surrendered. I still followed Hitler, but from a point further back. I let go of Rammstein, although the memories remain. I wish I could lose those memories. I left Charter with a positive attitude. I belonged to the world once again.
My parents and I got counselling. We're fine now. Better than most, actually. Hitler faded away, and now I hate him as much as he hated the Jews. My life is advancing instead of ending. I am overwhelmed with thankfulness for those who cared enough to go the distance for (and with) me (you know who you are). Thank You.
Anyway, the moral of the story is: If you need help, or are in my position, let it be known. Life is so much more beautiful than agony. I'll leave you on this note: Please make life out to be a thing that you cherish, because it can slip away from you so fast...
