| suicide. it's a topic dodged by some, thought of by most, and experienced by few. i read somewhere once that eventually, everyone [with very few exceptions], in some form or shape, will think of suicide seriously. i have gone through that stage, and i hope to never do it again. i have, however, learned from it. no, life isn't fair. life is pain, and anyone saying differently is selling something [the princess bride]. life has been anything but perfect. but when you lose your best friend over a guy, and your boyfriend over the same thing, at the same time, when your support is pulled out from under you, you collapse. like i did. not many people know this stage i went through. it isn't like i didn't want people to know. i kept giving hints to my parents; they never saw. i slept more. didn't care for my body. my grades even slipped a bit. i wanted to scream. i wanted to die. i thought about death; fantasized about it, if you will. thought about which way was the best to die, with the least painful, which the most.. i decided i wanted to drown. I've heard, after the first painful breath of water, that it's peaceful. or by slowly freezing; that's supposed to be peaceful as well. cutting myself is out of the question. was out of the question. i have held an exacto knife in my hand, waiting to cut myself, seeing the blood, feeling the sharp pain.. but it never came. i could never do it. it killed me that i couldn't even harm myself. and it saved my life. suicide. strange what it can do to a person. strange what it did to me. |
