| THE TALE OF BENJAMIN MILLER I was born on March 10th, 1982. That year was the year of the dog for about a billion chinese people. Also that year a whole bunch of stuff happened but I don't know what cause I was just a damn baby so anyway. I was born and the world rejoiced, or so I'm told. Anyway, I don't remember being potty trained but I hear it's cause I wanted to go to this day care and they wouldn't let me if I peed my pants. But enough about bodily functions for there is plenty more of that in my story. The first real thing I truly remember was when I was 5 years old. I had my first real accident, and concusion with a hairline fracture of the skull. I was at thebus stop playing as all small children do. It was winter in Minnesota and for all of you who know what winter in Minnesota is like I need not explain myself, but I found myself swinging my backpack through the air. I remember I was very easy to entertain as a child. Well I threw my backpack which went flying over a wooden railing into the parking lot of my previously mentioned day care. I hastily ran to retreive my backpack from its fallen location only to slip and smack the bujezzus out of my forehead on a wooden beam. Next thing I know I got a lump on my noggin like a cancer patient. The good side of the story is though that even though I had a headache for a week and a half I got out of school and got to sit home all day watching cartoons and eating ice cream. That may have been my first real accident (not counting when I was only two years old and put my top front teeth through my chin but that's just what my mother told me), but it sure wasn't my last. When I was 8 years old my family moved from our trailer home in Lake Elmo, MN to a nice house in Oakdale. A week later they can back when they realized they left me in the shed. I was the new kid in school and just begining my little rebelious streak. Half way through my 3rd grade school year I transfered from Lake Elmo Elementary School to Oakdale Elementary and in no time had my first detention ever.That was the only detention I had that year but it planted the seeds of young teen angst early. The next year I broke the record for most detentions in a single year with my poor attitude, especially during sexual education when I kept trying to sneak into the girls class. During the winter of that year my class had taken a field trip to Polar Arena to go ice skating. Not much of an ice skater to begin with, mostly cause I thought ice skating was for hockey players and fags, both of which I was not at the time and still to this day am not, I skated around very cautiously until my confidence built. Soon enough I thought I was Tanya Fucking Harding and was skating around like there was no tommorow. Well my friend Shea and I decided to horse play around. As we we're playing Kung Fu Figure Skater (which by the way is not queer, only stupid) I had slipped and fallen. Instantly I screamed out in pain and my teacher, Mr. Johnson came over to see who was hurt. Since it was me Benjamin Detention, he knew for a fact I was faking and told me to get up.He told me this for an hour straight. About two hours after that, the ambulance, paramedics, principal, my parents, and a few other people who I still have no clue who they were or where they were from showed up to get this poor young eight year old off the ice with his broken leg, and now case of hypothermia. to this day I still think my parents should have sued the living dog shit out of that damn school. To Be Continued... Tommorow: Some more stupid crap... |