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Lea sat passively on the rough cement steps in the park across from Rick�s Hardware Store. Her eyes were shaded by thin-rimmed black sunglasses. She reached into her small purse, also black, and removed a carton of cigarettes. As she took a cigarette out and lit it, she studied a woman in a pale green dress and her husband as they exited the hardware store and walked to their car, conversing gaily. Breathing in deeply, Lea exhaled the smoke in a long stream in their direction.
Lea hadn�t gone to school today. She sometimes did, and that morning she had promised her mother that she would, but as soon as she stepped onto the tan tile of Jefferson High School�s wide front lobby, she knew that was not where she wanted to be. But unlike any of the other jabbering faceless bodies she saw around her, she listened to her gut � she walked right back out.
Lea had spent the morning throwing sticks into the resevoir. Then she had spent the afternoon in her favorite basement club, behind the hardware store, listening to a lukewarm percussionist jam to a virtually vapid audience. Lea didn�t have anyone to throw sticks with or drink bitter champagne with in the musty, moldy basement. Lea didn�t have any friends. She liked it that way � thought it made her special. She also hated the way people looked at her. She just wanted to be different in every way possible.
As she watched the couple get into their giant �55 Studebaker, they didn�t glance her way. She kept daring them to with her eyes, but it appeared that they didn�t even know she was there. Wouldn�t that be nice, Lea thought spitefully. Just ignore me, maybe I�ll disappear. Then she thought she was being stupid, so she let the innocent car drive away by tearing her gaze from that to up the street.
Lea was lonely. Her deep, needy drags on the cigarette were evidence. She was bored, and she wanted Albert to come. Albert was probably in school, staring out the windows at the trees, face hid by his wavy, unwashed hair, comparing sex to the cool breeze. Lea smiled at the image.
Teachers were never able to control Albert; most just wished he�d get tired of torturing them and leave school, like so many of his contemporaries had done. But Alber kept attending, every day, on time, and prepared, to riff bizarre poetry off the blackboard and the pencil holder, to make a scene or two and incite other students, to come to class high and stare at his fingers all day. The other students were afraid of him, and he made the teachers uncomfortable. Lea loved him with every ounce of her being.
But Albert never spoke to her. Lea heard he was �gay,� and she was depressed for two weeks. She assumed he was, as quiet, brilliant, and sensitive as he was, and she wept internally. Plus, Albert had his own female following. The pretty, intelligent ones who lusted after his rebelliousness. Lea was also sure he�d fucked one or two of them. But no one ever spoke of it, if so. Lea never spoke of anything to Albert. She only listened.
She waited vainly for Albert to appear from around the building�s corner and walk self-consciously over to her, his suave stroll igniting the fire in her. Lea only wanted to look at him, to bask in his beauty, to hopefully absorb some of it for herself. All she knew is she didn�t want to be alone anymore today. Something dark flashed across her mind. She just didn�t.
Her stomach growled angrily at her. It was then Lea realized that she hadn�t eaten anything since that morning. At the club she�d only had stale peanuts. And the air made her nauseous, so she left quickly after. She bit her tongue and ignored the pain. Pain is transcendental, she reminded herself. She reached up under her ever-present glasses and rubbed her eyes. The sun had suddenly come out brighter and then was trapped again by a cloud. Lea was pondering that disconcerting change in light and mood when a shadow passed over her. She looked up.
A young man wearing old cuffed corduroy pants and a turtleneck collar black sweater was standing over her. He had dirty blond hair and striking green eyes, and he wore a devilish grin on his greasy pale white face. �Lea,� he said.
�Demetrius,� she responded, unable to keep a slight bit of her disgust out of her voice. With an unnoticed roll of her eyes, she slid over on the step to make room for him.
Demetrius was another frequenter of the basement club. His real name was Donald, Lea knew, but he was too vain to allow himself to be called that. He skipped school a lot more than Lea did, and Lea found him to be somewhat obnoxious. He never wore cologne of any kind and he was always wearing that idiotic smile on his face. He got drunk a lot � he seemed to Lea to be a little messed up on something even now � and failed his classes on purpose. He could be loud and crude, and he was never alone� except now. Most of all, he was nothing like Albert � though he pretended to be. Yet, Demetrius and Lea were part of the same tiny crowd and Lea was lonesome. So Demetrius sat down beside her.
Lea didn�t look at him while he sat down, already resolved to ignore him. She pushed her dark glasses up higher on the ridge of her nose. She looked across the street at a woman�s clothing store. A tired-looking young clerk was setting up a window display. She was watching this when she suddenly felt a slight tug: the cigarette being pulled from her fingers. She looked over at Demetrius. He was looking at her and grinning stupidly again. He took the last drag of the cigarette and tossed it into the grass beside him. Then he sniffed quickly and rubbed his nose. He was getting paler by the moment.
�So, you didn�t go to school today?� he asked awkwardly, though it wasn�t really a question.
Lea paused for a moment.
�School is a like a sick conservative circus of made-up girls and aggressive boys sitting complacently in their starched collars and wooden-metal desks, raising their hands, reciting their information in rounds, ultimately living their suburban expectation to its mediocre degree,� she replied. Demetrius nodded.
�School is not a place of education,� he said in a low voice. Lea rolled her eyes once more. She had heard this argument from this kid many times before. Same words, same points, same bullshit each time. She only nodded in agreement so he wouldn�t go on. He didn�t.
There were a few more minutes of silence and people-watching from the steps. Demetrius coughed. �Do you wanna get high?� he asked. Lea looked at the bag he held in his hand, then shook her head �no�. Normally, she would, but she didn�t want to see Demetrius more fucked up than he already was. If she didn�t do it then, he might not.
After a beat, Demitrius said, �Come on.� There was a surprising tone of persistence in his voice. Lea glanced at him. He was staring at her. Lea was startled by the look in his dielated eyes. Then he chuckled, and that elvish grin came over his face. �It�s gooood,� he mused.
Lea chuckled uncomfortably.
There was something strange and evil in that smile. In a way, it made him very attractive. Lea was never much attracted to Demetrius before, but in that moment, a white breath filled her insides. She studied his face for a moment, then again shook her head and turned away from him. He made a weird sort of grunting noise when she did so. �Not much for words, Lea?� he said, a little loudly.
Lea�s heart was pounding faster. She wasn�t sure why it was, but all she could see in her mind was that puckish smile.
His hand was suddenly on her hair. He combed it gently and wrapped it around his fingers. Lea didn�t look at him. She didn�t know what to do.
His breath became heavy. �Such pretty hair you have, Lea,� he said. �You have such pretty hair.� His hand was now on the back of her neck. A shiver ran through Lea�s body. His mouth was suddenly right next to her ear. She tilted her head downward so he couldn�t see her eyes and swallowed.
Demetrius' other hand now pressed down on her thigh. �It�s all right,� he whispered in her ear. The hand began sliding up her skirt. �You are the vixen, the siren. It�s all right.�
His face suddenly drove into her neck and his lips sucked at her skin. Lea threw her head up and gasped in shock. Without indication, she shoved Demetrius hard and stood up. He fell back, disoriented, onto his elbows. Lea began rapidly climbing the park stairs. At the top was an open area with a flagpole and a few benches. Once she had reached the top, Lea�s breathing slowed. She pressed a hand to her chest and tried to calm herself down. She had not expected Demetrius to touch her like that, and though she would have said she didn�t want him to, now she wasn�t so sure. It was frightening, exhilarating, wrong� and dangerous. Lea had never been touched that way. Demetrius� so forceful, so needy. Lea was needy, too.
Did she ever think Demetrius was interested in her? She never thought any boy was interested in her. The image of his face when he asked if she wanted to get high hung ominously over all the thoughts racing through her head.
There was a scuffling behind her. She turned. It was Demetrius. He was standing on the top step looking dejectedly at her. Lea�s heart skipped a beat. He looked dangerous, for the first time Lea had ever seen him look that way.
The look intimidated her, but it also turned her on. Lea just looked at him, still amazed at the course of events from just a few lonely minutes ago. Demetrius grinned nervously. �It�s all right, Lea,� he muttered.
�What is wrong with you, Demetrius?� she spat, and the anger and fear in her own voice pushed her close to tears. She was grateful, once again, that her glasses hid her eyes.
Demetrius looked down. He appeared confused and desperate. �It�s okay,� he said again.
Lea�s heart softened. Why was she so mad at him?, she wondered. At least he listened to his desires, like she never could with Albert. For once, Lea felt Demetrius was actually being genuine.
Yeah, but does genuine rape you?, part of her asked. She pondered that.
Demetrius took a step forward.
�Lea, please,� he said softly. �It�s gonna be fine.�
She didn�t hear him.
How many times had she tasted the dark demons that permeated the smoky nightclubs, full of bodies and potential? How many times had she begged for more? How badly did she want it sometimes?
�You�re beautiful, you know. You�re real beautiful, Lea.�
But she was raised properly. She didn�t fall in with the proper girls, but Christ, she knew right from wrong! Her mother� just this morning� Then she wondered sadly if she even cared anymore.
You don�t want to be alone anymore today.
�It�s just sex,� Demetrius prodded. His voice was closer now, and Lea was finally aware that he was approaching her.
�Stop,� she said. It was one simple word. One basic command that she uttered with her eyes closed tightly behind her dark glasses.
Demetrius paused and tried to study her. �Lea, trust m-�
�Stop.� She said this again, more firmly. Fortunately, Demetrius stopped. Lea turned towards the street. The breeze caressed her tremulous face softly. Her visage was a blank slate to the world, unreadable by anything. Those secret eyes, like her true feelings, hidden behind the black mask of fifty-cent sunglasses.
She thought about a lot of things in those few minutes while Demetrius waited patiently behind her. Her body didn�t budge and her face didn�t change while she thought � everything that moved was internal.
She eventually turned towards Demetrius. He looked up expectantly and sniffed. She walked towards him and stood before him. He watched her face and waited for her to speak. Her lips said softly, �Okay.�
Slowly, Demetrius raised his hands and cupped Lea�s head in them. He then pressed his lips onto hers. It was a hot, long kiss. Demetrius held her from fighting back; Lea didn�t bother. She barely returned the kiss.
Demetrius pulled away. He looked deeply into the shades, searching for Lea�s eyes.
�Take your glasses off,� Demetrius commanded.
�No,� Lea responded.
�Yes,� Demetrius replied, and lifted his hands to do it himself.
�No.� Lea reached up and gripped his wrists. She dug her nails in and Demetrius� face twisted into a grimace of pain.
�Ow! Lea, what��
�I will not take my glasses off,� she stated firmly. �Just �� she took Demetrius palm and pressed it against her breast.
�Stop asking.�
He did. And Lea was glad.
So Demetrius never looked into Lea�s eyes. As he lay her down in the rough grass under some nearby trees and shoved his hand up her skirt. As he pushed his face into her chest, hands groping and squeezing at her flesh. As he lowered himself, grunting and heaving onto her delicate body, he could not read her eyes. Lea did not cry out in pain. She lay there emotionless and reminded Demetrius of a child�s doll.
* * * * *
Lea opened her eyes. At first she couldn�t see anything and she thought she was blind. The thought didn�t scare her, only occurred to her. Once she realized it was nighttime and Demetrius was asleep beside her in the brush under the trees across the street from Rick�s Hardware, Lea carefully lifted up her shades. She quickly glanced over to Demetrius. His heavy body was passed out next to hers, his mouth open in a warped O, common to slumberers. Lea was revolted by this image, forgetting the smile that had enticed her into such a turbulent situation. The smile, she realized, was the only thing she had found attractive about Demetrius, as she kept her eyes determinedly shut during the intercourse.
Her bloodshot eyes drifted upwards to the sky. The serene celestial brilliance shining down peacefully onto her torn soul seemed spiteful to Lea. She bit her lip hard, but it was no use. The tears came. She gulped and choked and tried to keep them down, but it was impossible: the raging river of her pent-up frustrations was unleashed. Her body convulsed with sobs and her head throbbed with sorrow. She only stared at the stars through her bitter tears and gritted her teeth in anger.
I�ve fucked up, she thought. I have totally fucked up. The sobs gained strength and shook her whole body. Lea had never experienced anything like this. Her chest heaved at such a pace that she began to hyperventilate. She was suddenly aware that she might wake Demetrius with such physical antics, and decided she needed desperately to calm down.
Her hand slid under the seam of her ravaged skirt and she removed a secret straight pin. She raised it up and looked at it, blinking away her salty anguish and tilting it so it glimmered in the street light. Then she raised her left arm up to the needle while lying on her back. With impressive calmness, she stuck the pin into her wrist and twisted it in, making sure she�d draw blood. She did this twice more, making a triangular pattern about 5 cm tall in her flesh. Her breath slowed and her tears dissipated as she performed this sacred ritual on herself. Lea rolled to her side, her back to Demetrius, and watched herself bleed. All the physical exertion of the emotional tsunami on top of the physical exertion attributed to sexual intercourse had fully exhausted Lea, and now freshly comforted by her own mutilation, she found it remarkably easy to drift off to sleep.
The last thoughts that flitted vaguely through her tortured mind before the dark savior of sleep overtook them were of the same things she had reflected on a couple short hours earlier, standing in that open space at the top of the park steps and looking down at the street, Demetirus waiting behind her. She thought of: her hopeless mother, her childhood, her distant father, her brother, her school, her classes, Albert (and not Demetrius) and at last� she thought of her real name � Lucille � and how Donald would never know it.