HADITH COMBAT KIT
Vulgar Ahadith
by Abdul Rasoolul-laat Ahmadi ad-Deedati al-Bukhari

The great prophet of 20th century Islam, Ahmed Deedat was the first to put forht the "Bible Combat Kit" (Ahmedu Akbar!), where Muslims were encouraged to hi-light verses from the Holy Babble that were vulgar, absurd, et cetera. So now, in honor of brother Deedat, we would like to offer the "Hadith Combat Kit," a celebration of everything shifty, shoddy, and just plain rotten about the Islamic traditions. In this installment of "Hadith Combat Kit," we will discuss vulgar ahadith; that is, some of the more fun mentionings of flatulence, sexual immorality, and other goodies. Let the games begin.

Sahih Bukhari Volume 1, Book 11, Number 582:
    Narrated Abu Huraira:

    Allah's Apostle said, "When the Adhan is pronounced Satan takes to his heels and passes wind with noise during his flight in order not to hear the Adhan. When the Adhan is completed he comes back and again takes to his heels when the Iqama is pronounced and after its completion he returns again till he whispers into the heart of the person (to divert his attention from his prayer) and makes him remember things which he does not recall to his mind before the prayer and that causes him to forget how much he has prayed."
[Satan has quite a rectum if he can produce a "toot" that is louder than the call to prayer.]

Sahih Bukhari Volume 5, Book 58, Number 236:
    Narrated Hisham's father:

    Khadija died three years before the Prophet departed to Medina. He stayed there for two years or so and then he married 'Aisha when she was a girl of six years of age, and he consumed that marriage when she was nine years old.
[This has been something that has made for a great polemic to be put forth by non-Muslims. Indeed, we might be tempted to question the moral fabric of a man who has sexual intercourse with a nine-year-old girl.]

Sahih Bukhari Volume 1, Book 6, Number 298:
    Narrated 'Aisha:

    The Prophet and I used to take a bath from a single pot while we were Junub. During the menses, he used to order me to put on an Izar (dress worn below the waist) and used to fondle me. While in Itikaf, he used to bring his head near me and I would wash it while I used to be in my periods (menses).
[I can't even imagine making something like this up. What kind of a horrible image is appearing, when we read about a man over 50 years old fondling his pre-teen wife during her menstrual cycle?]

Sahih Bukhari Volume 1, Book 4, Number 231:
    Narrated Sulaiman bin Yasar:

    I asked 'Aisha about the clothes soiled with semen. She replied, "I used to wash it off the clothes of Allah's Apostle and he would go for the prayer while water spots were still visible. "
[Now, one wonders if Muhammad is beginning to resemble Onan of the Bible, spilling his seed outside of his wife. Certain ahadith tell us that coitus interruptus is forbidden, but then again, that would explain why Muhammad never got A'isha pregnant.]

Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 137:
    Narrated Abu Said Al-Khudri:

    We got female captives in the war booty and we used to do coitus interruptus with them. So we asked Allah's Apostle about it and he said, "Do you really do that?" repeating the question thrice, "There is no soul that is destined to exist but will come into existence, till the Day of Resurrection."
[It's not clear if Muhammad's statement is condemning coitus interruptus (which is more clearly seen in later traditions), or if he's saying it is okay, as Allah wills who is conceived, and when (which might mean that he wondered if they really did that because he found it interesting). Regardless, we see there is also the vulgar implication of sex between master and slave girl.]

Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 135:
    Narrated Jabir:

    We used to practice coitus interrupt us during the lifetime of Allah's Apostle.
Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 136:
    Narrated Jabir:

    We used to practice coitus interruptus while the Quran was being revealed. Jabir added: We used to practice coitus interrupt us during the lifetime of Allah's Apostle while the Quran was being Revealed.
[Oh, well, I guess that means coitus interruptus is permissible, so spilling one's seed on their pre-teen wife is also allowed. I only wonder if the second of the above two traditions means that this was taking place while the actual surah was being uttered.]

Malik's Muwatta Book 29, Number 29.32.96:
    Yahya related to me from Malik from Abu'n-Nadr, the mawla of Umar ibn Ubaydullah from Amir ibn Sad ibn Abi Waqqas from his father that he used to practise coitus interruptus.
[Everyone is pulling out!]

Sunan Abu Dawud Book 11, Number 2166:
    Narrated AbuSa'id al-Khudri:

    A man said: Apostle of Allah, I have a slave-girl and I withdraw the penis from her (while having intercourse), and I dislike that she becomes pregnant. I intend (by intercourse) what the men intend by it. The Jews say that withdrawing the penis (azl) is burying the living girls on a small scale. He (the Prophet) said: The Jews told a lie. If Allah intends to create it, you cannot turn it away.
[Again, this seems to imply that coitus interruptus is okay, and that the prohibition against it is just something the monolithic "Jews" came up with.]

Sahih Muslim Book 008, Number 3365:
    This hadith has been reported on the authority of Jabir through another chain of transmitters, but in the hadith transmitted on the authority of Zuhri there is an addition (of these words):" If he likes he may (have intercourse) being on the back or in front of her, but it should be through one opening (vagina)."
Sahih Muslim Book 008, Number 3364:
    Jabir (b. Abdullah) (Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Jews used to say that when one comes to one's wife through the vagina, but being on her back, and she becomes pregnant, the child has a squint. So the verse came down:" Your wives are your ti'Ith; go then unto your tilth, as you may desire."
[Ah, so this explains that vague verse of the Qur'an. Allah was trying to tell the believers that any position is permissible, refuting the aforementioned monolithic "Jews" who have something against Kama Sutra. Glad to know God covers all the bases. ]

Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 17:
    Narrated Jabir bin 'Abdullah:

    When I got married, Allah's Apostle said to me, "What type of lady have you married?" I replied, "I have married a matron' He said, "Why, don't you have a liking for the virgins and for fondling them?"[...]
Sahih Bukhari Volume 3, Book 38, Number 504:
    Narrated Jabir bin 'Abdullah:

    I was accompanying the Prophet on a journey and was riding a slow camel that was lagging behind the others. [...] When we approached Medina, I started going (towards my house). The Prophet said, "Where are you going?" I said, "I have married a widow." He said, "Why have you not married a virgin to fondle with each other?"[...]
[On Thursday, August 9th, 2001, a person posted one of the above hadithan in the FTMecca guestbook under the pseudonym Abu Amir, and gave the following commentary: "[t]he language used by the Prophet in the above hadith clearly resembles our contemporary notions of a child molester." Yeah, no disagreement here. Clearly these stories depict Muhammad as being a man who enjoyed fondling young virgins. Quite the vulgar story. ]
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