Art world enamored with the Kabul Renaissance
Taliban Leader makes Afghanistan a creative Mecca
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN� Mullah Muhammad Omar, head of the Taliban movement, in a press statement released yawm-ul-ahad to the "Fourth-World Warlord Gazette" announced both the founding of the "Taliban Museum and Mortar Range of the Fine Arts," and his intention to pursue his "one true dream" � becoming an artist.
Stating that the Taliban "needs to open to self-statement, and find the beauty within," Mullah Omar indicated the museum�s first exhibit would be "Death to Dharma." A provocative piece of performance art, "D2D" evokes the wonder that the wonders of the world aren't so wonderful at all, especially when blown to smithereens by Kaytusha rockets.
"In case Buddha didn�t get all of his chunky arse out of Afghanistan 1300 years ago, this semiotic work signals him to keep on moving" said one Talib shrapnel-sculptor, not giving his name; "we'll send him sky rocketing back to Dar-ul-Jahiliya."
Critics have raved about the originality of mixing fusillades of fireworks with ancient Gandhara stone, some going so far as to proclaim the advent of a new movement. Said art historian Jacques Hoffer, "I think what we have here is a Neo-rubble movement. Total alienation from modernity, and indeed, all of history to boot. An aesthetic theory that puts a premium on hirsute men, while fetishizing cloaked women as suicides and prostitutes. Reminiscent of Dadaism, Die Kunst ist tot. All art is dead, or should be murdered, except that birthed by purifying pyrotechnics." Asked to comment on Hoffer�s insight, Mullah Omar replied only "Yaba-daaba-doo!"
Diplomatic and artistic channels were astir at the news of a radical departure from the norms of statement through
rubble-rousing. The National Endowment for the Arts has promised all Pathan students studying in the United States a grant of $10,000, to be used for "smashing idols or fighting the pro-Soviet kaafir swine in the north." Recent convert to the true deen, Mustapha (formerly Robert) Mapplethorpe has jumped on the bandwagon, and will be coming out with a compilation of pictures of nude Afghan children dancing around land mines.
Mapplethorpe is not alone in his new Talibanized artistic vision, it permeates
the highest levels. In the press release, Mullah Omar also explained why he had to become an artist, and described his new one man show, where he
will dab chocolate and strawberry syrup around his 'awrah in protest of snotty,
impudent feminists not wanting to be bitch slapped as Allah has decreed. "Praise be to Allah, Lord of the Eternal Paintbrush. This may disappoint you father and mother, but I have to follow my own path. I know you worked very hard to get me into Uncle Ali�s back alley madrassa, so I could become a mullah you could be proud of� but I must do this. I don�t care if I do starve, serving venti chais by day at the 'Glorious Victory over the Infidels' Avenue Starbucks, and spending nights sleepless, enmeshed in my artistry. Art is suffering. Art is sacrifice. By Allah, I will be a martyr for my art! Or kill a whole lot of people trying�."
In a few short years, Muhammad Omar has revolutionized performance art, breathing new life into a dying art by slitting the throat of conventional mores. For the Mullah art is a dialogic process, a conversation between two totally unmatched parties � "us" and "them." For instance, after hearing about his Western rival Andres Serrano�s blasphemous work "Piss Christ," the Mullah on an inspired whim created "Piss Serrano." Finding a handy dandy Shi'a walking about, he discharged his blessed Kalashnikov into the accursed man�s skull for the mistake of not being a Sunni-Hanafi-Deobandi-Rivivalist-Caliphist-Pashtun-jihaadi-veteran. Wrapping the remains in the flags of the hundred and fifty odd nations that impudently fail to recognize Allah�s one true country, and adding a sign saying "I�m Serrano and the puny, filthy West," the Mullah proceeded to micturate on the shrouded nations united. Rather than selling his masterpiece and falling prey to crass commercialization, he has always been cognizant of the civic value of art. He displayed "Piss Serrano" in the town square of Insanabad for several months.
Preparing the Shi'a for "Piss Serrano"
The piece sent shockwaves throughout the world, and caused many Shi�as and Buddhists to take to the streets and savagely beat any Sunni Muslim they could get their hands on. "First they blew up the Buddha, now they are insulting Serrano" said an angry Dalai Lama from his two bedroom apartment in SoHo; "I imagine that Karen Finley is next for her stance on the abuse of women at the hands of male Monotheists." Ms. Finley was out shopping for a new hijaab, and could not be reached for comment.
To try and find a way to stop the flow of Mushrik vs Muslim violence, Taliban Foreign Minister Wakil Ahmet Muttawakil met with the aforementioned Serrano in one of Bamiyan�s more trendy "night clubs." Over several glasses of yak milk, the two discussed art and tolerance well into the night. Afterwards, Serrano was arrested on charges of wearing clothes that exposed his wrists, and was later flogged for insufficient beard length. Asked to comment on Serrano's arrest, and surprising release, Mullah Omar replied "did you think we were going to kill him? Even I have limits� Allahu Akbar!"
Muttawakil and Serrano discuss art and tolerance
Muhammad Omar promises to revolutionize the art scene "one shot at a time," and has even submitted an application to attend New York City's School of Visual Arts. When the SVA offered Omar free tuition in exchange for Osamah Bin Laden, the Mullah called the deal "absurd." "The Taliban will not bow to imperialist pressure. The state of New York will give me full financial aid, unless they wish to see a few embassies go up in flames!" Indeed Islam has made many great contributions to science, medicine, and philosophy, and now, with the Taliban, we will see what Islam has to offer to the art scene.
See: [1] [2] [3] [4].
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