The way Allah subhaanahu wata'aala created men, to be sexual creatures, is well known. The best of lives is to excercise restraint in sexual matters and focus only on the worship of Allah. However, it is not a problem to be simply ignored and swept under the carpet, and it has taxed the best of minds to find a halaal way to cope with the needs Allah has instilled in us. One pious slave of Allah has devised such a way which merges practical thinking with devotion to sabeel Allah. It is with his Excellency Abed-Rabbuh Mukabbir-ul-Qadr that we have the pleasure of holding this interview.

Ibn Sammaak: Masa l-kher, ya sayyid Mukkabir-ul-Qadr, good evening. Could you tell us what led you to this holy enterprise?

Mukabbir-ul-Qadr: Pleased to have the honor of an interview. Well, it began a couple of years ago, when I noticed the vile treachery of kuffaar magazines being sold in the vicinity of the holy masaajeed. Like any slave who regards nothing dearer than Allah subhaanahu wata'aala, I was totally outraged. I discussed the matter with the respectable mufteen of the state, and they told me they had recently banned the mags, only to have them reappear soon afterwards, la'anahumu llaah. It seemed whenever you cut one head of the snake two others would grow in its place.

Ibn Sammaak: So you thought up an unconventional plan of jihaad against the nefarious plot of the filthy magazines?

Mukabbir-ul-Qadr: Haqqan kadhaalik, indeed so. Just as the filthy medium of the Internet, used by the kuffaar to spread their jaahilous ideas, can be used by the slaves of Allah 'azza wajalla to do da'wa for Islam, so the magazines can be subverted to the correct sabeel.

Ibn Sammaak: So can you please summarise your action to the readers?

Mukabbir-ul-Qadr: I launched a halaal equivalent to those shaytaanic magazines - a magazine of my own called Jannah, depicting the rewards of paradise which Allah subhaanahu wata'aala gives to His slaves after death. The magazine features accurate descriptions of the daily bliss each mu'min enjoys with every one of his seventy-two pure mates. The pictures are obviously of a higher quality than the kuffaar stuff, since the mates are purified of all the usual disgusting blemishes which afflict mates on this dunya.

Ibn Sammaak: You actually subverted the medium towards sabeel Allah! Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar! But weren't you afraid of the authorities? They're usually suspicious of such endeavours, and the way to Jahannam is paved with good intentions. I mean, once you publish a magazine which might be perceived as degrading women, the fatwa is really in the fire...

Mukabbir-ul-Qadr: I foresaw the consequences, and so, bi-idhni llaah, with the permission of Allah, I consulted the local mufti - of course I wouldn't have published of my own accord. I showed the prototype issue of Jannah magazine to Sheikh Abd al-Maalik at-Taweel Anfuh. Wallaah, I think there had never been a day I made my salawaat so hard - my friends said my head must have bored a hole on the masjid floor.

Ibn Sammaak: And did lisaanu l-haqq, the Tongue of Truth, comply? Did you get a favorable answer at first try?

Mukabbir-ul-Qadr: Oh, yes, yes, the Sheikh at-Taweel Anfuh took a thorough look at the magazine, and after two hours or so, when he regained control of his lisaan, he signed the permission. "Allah 'azza wajalla takes pleasure upon looking at your work," he said, "How much more so then His slaves must take pleasure in it!". And that was that. I have great respect for the Sheikh, he surely knows what pleases Allah and what doesn't.

Ibn Sammaak: What is the primary audience for Jannah magazine?

Mukabbir-ul-Qadr: The adolescents, particularly those who serve in the army, in bodily jihaad against the infidel devils. Most of them are as yet unmarried, or if married then far away from their wives, and need an outlet. But let us not forget our service towards Allah: the magazines have not only pictures of the scenes of the Jannah in them, but also text captions stressing the fact that the pictures are true descriptions of what the combatants will get by killing the kuffaar. The magazine thus instills courage in the hearts of the soldiers of Allah ta'aala.

Ibn Sammaak: Are those pictures of real women?

Mukabbir-ul-Qadr: Yes, I had to make it as authentic as possible. The best thing would be to take photos from the Jannah itself, but Allah doesn't permit it until you actually die, so I had to scrap that. I used modern computer technology to modify the pictures as to fit the exact descriptions of the houris in the Hadeeth. For example, I have employed a transparent alpha layer to show the bones of the women reflecting in them, just as at-Tirmidhi depicts in his holy accounts.

Ibn Sammaak: Do you expect competition in future?

Mukabbir-ul-Qadr: No, I've attained a monopoly over the halaal sharmoota industry, and I'm backed by Sheikh at-Taweel Anfuh in that. If anyone should publish a rival magazine I will sue him to submission. After all, there is only one true Jannah! It'd be like someone publishing a rival Qur'an, a'oodhu billaah! It'd be shirk - ascribing a partner to my magazine.

Ibn Sammaak: So you have effectively solved the problem of sinful magazines?

Mukabbir-ul-Qadr: I should think so, it would be a great surprise to me if Muslims kept looking at those filthy kuffaar mags, when I'm giving them a pure publication of mates who are mutahhara mina l-haid, purified from menses - an authentic peep into the rewards of the aakhira. No other magazine could offer that.

Ibn Sammaak: But what if the kuffaar fight back and tempt Muslims to revert to their haraam versions?

Mukabbir-ul-Qadr: Then I have a plan for magnifying profit in the name of the Prophet, salla llaahu 'alaihi wasallam: I'll publish a new magazine depicting the punishments of those who do not read my Jannah magazine: a magazine titled Jahannam.

Ibn Sammaak: Ashkuruka akthar shukrin, ya sayyid Abed-Rabbuh Mukabbir-ul-Qadr, I thank you the most thanks. Us'idtum masaa'an wa'ila l-liqaa'. Good evening and goodbye.