Elvislam Preslubavitch
by Abd al-Iblees ad-Daraawina


Hikonu laDisk haKashiach
Prepare for the Hard Disk¹

It has long been established that many people have a need for a heavenly father figure, watching over them and caring for them and helping them in times of need. Many infidel devils have elaborated on that subject, noting how well it fits in an anthropocentric worldview wherein our Earth is a domed stadium, above which sits a benevolent bearded king and father. What has less been studied is people's need for an Elvis. The incessant Elvis-sightings, continuously observed since his death, merit our [dis]honourable and [ir]reverent study.

The prophets of the Bible talk about a peaceful future where the children of Israel will be able to worship the Lord undisturbed. However, the idea of a descendant of David as saviour, anointed of God, is not mentioned. It appears in Jewish writings later, after the Persian Empire had wrought its influence in the Near East.

It becomes much clearer when we examine the texts attributed to Zarathustra (modern Zardosht, Greek Zoroaster). They write that a descendant of Zarathustra will be born of a virgin, and free mankind from the dualism of Ahura Mazda, the deity of good, and Angra Mainyu, the deity of evil. This descendant is called the saoshyant, meaning Saviour. The Persian-influenced Jews fitted the legend into their own genealogical saga, saying that the Saviour will be a descendant of David. They did not adopt the idea of a virgin birth, but it would wait for other people.

The religion of Zarathustra was established circa 500 BCE. A few centuries later, a new cult spread over the Near East and Mediterranean area. This was the cult of Mithra, an Indo-Iranian deity. He was regarded as "God become flesh", a god in human form. His birthday was the winter solstice, to a virgin, witnessed by shepherds. He was known as the Way, the Truth, the Life, the Word, the Saviour of mankind. His resurrection was celebrated each winter solstice, with a gathering of believers to eat bread symbolizing his flesh and drink wine symbolizing his blood. It was believed that anyone who did not accept Mithra as Saviour would perish at the end of time. The cult of Mithra was spread by the valiant efforts of the believers to save as many as possible.

The wise and discerning reader will already perceive what happened next: the fusion of the Hebraized Sumerian-Babylonian saga (the Fall of Adam, Noah's Flood, the perseverance of David's kingdom) with the Mithraic cult. This gave us a Judeo-Mithraic cult which mushroomed into what we now call CrossTianity. The modern adherents of Bible inerrancy insist on the virgin birth, thus striving to preserve a belief of (probably) Indian origin.

Muhammad accepted the notion of Judgement Day (yaumu d-Deen), where all will be judged and the sinners and unbelievers will perish, but he did not accept the idea of a Saviour (presumably because he viewed himself as such). He saw Jesus as a prophet and no more, and though he is called Maseeh, from the Hebrew for "anointed" (Greek khristos), that word is stripped of its meaning in Arabic. Indeed orthodox Sunni Islam makes little of the Saviour-idea, aiming instead at preparing a wholly Islamic world for the Day of Resurrection.

"...but not in a jumbo jet!"

Shi'i Islam, which emerged precisely where Zarathustra had flourished, does make heavy weather of the Saviour-idea. Now that the word Maseeh had been exhausted out of its charged meaning, the word Mahdi, meaning Guided One, was pressed into its service. Now the saoshyant will arise of the loins of Ali bnu Abi Taalib and Faatima bint Muhammad. A virgin birth is not necessary, but resurrection, or rather re-emergence, is stated. The Saviour is, according to the main Shi'i strain, the 12th of Ali's lineage. He was born but is now in occultation, hidden from mankind though inspiring the present clerics of Iran. He will reappear before Judgement Day to force Islamic justice on the world.

This age, a period of turbulence, sees the three Fathergod religions in great clamouring for final judgement. Jews predict the imminent rebuilding of the Temple, CrossTians look forward to the battle of Armageddon, and Muslims, especially the Shi'is, welcome the Qiyaama (resurrection) as near. Ayatullah Khomeini was rumoured to be the Hidden Imam, which he did not publicly deny. His rival Shariatmadari remarked that, yes, indeed the Mahdi, the Hidden Imam, is soon to come, but not in a jumbo jet (Khomeini had arrived at Iran from Paris in 1979 by air).

Another Islamic sect which places great store in the Saviour-idea is the Ahmadiyya, named after Mirza Ghulaam Ahmad al-Qadiyaani, an Indian Muslim who died in 1908. He proclaimed himself Messiah and announced the coming salvation, possible only by his mediation ("I am the way, the truth and the..." etc). This is from the February 1998 issue of The Ahmadiyya Gazette:

"The people of the book recognized the Holy Prophet as well as their own sons." which indicates in their hearts they knew the Holy Prophet (pbuh) was true, but they dared not show this outwardly. They were chastised for it. So we see from the writings of the Promised Messiah (as) after recognizing him, he who does not ride in his boat will be drowned and shall perish.

Therefore there is a necessity to evangelize unbelievers (which include both non-Muslims and non-Ahmadi Muslims) in order to save them. One of the most powerful missionizing forces in modern Islam is indeed the Ahmadiyya cult. It is imperative to save as many souls as possible before the Elvisification (more often called Second Coming) of the Messiah.

Mainstream Judaism holds the identity of Mashiach ben David unknown, but there is one Jewish sect which insists on the acceptance of a clearly specified person: the Lubavitcher cult, Habad (initials of Hokhma, Bina w'Daat, meaning Wisdom, Intelligence and Knowledge). Habad was founded in the early 19th century by the first Lubavitcher Rebbe. The last one of them, Menachem Mendel Schneerson, was the seventh in the dynasty and died in 1994. He had organized Habad as the main missionizing body of Judaism, spreading Orthodox Judaism to the secular Jews and the obligation of the seven commandments of Noah to the non-Jews (goyim).

The followers of the Lubavitcher Rebbe awaited raptly his ascendance as the Saviour of the children of Israel. They did not believe he would ever die, but eventually he did. A few of them faced the facts and continued a life of mainstream Torah observation, but the majority were quick to fashion a doctrine of resurrection. They declared the imminent Elvisification of the Rebbe, and further they insist that belief in him as Messiah is necessary for the salvation of every Jew. To this day they say at the end of each prayer:

Yehi adonenu rabbenu umalkenu le'olam va'ed
Long live our Master, Teacher and King for ever and eternity

It is only a matter of time until the Lubavitcher Messiah will be fitted a virgin birth, one presumes. Anyway, just as the Ahmadis are regarded by the orthodox Muslims as non-Muslims, infidels, so the Lubavitchers are regarded, though very silently, as apostates by the mainstream Jews².

Why 2K?

From the above survey one would think Elvisology was limited to people of childish faith. That this is not so was proved at the end of 1999, when highly educated, non-religious people predicted Armageddon through the CMOS clocks of IBM mainframes and PC compatibles. I looked at the people and I did not see fear; rather I saw exhilaration at the anticipation of the end of time. Verily I perceived then that humanity has not grown up. There is a human need for those beliefs, just like the belief in a heavenly father. Self-proclaimed evangelists were spreading the Gospel of PC Replacement (making a profit from being a prophet, I call it), saying that it is the only way to salvation. Miraculously the disaster was averted ("If we hadn't preached...", the prophets said after 2000), but some people have postponed Judgement Day (for example, to early 2038, the roll-over of Unix time³).

When I was a little kid, school bullies beat me up all the time. There were a few solutions: I could call a teacher, or one of my parents, or a strong-bodied friend of mine. When such a helper was unavailable, I would imagine an angel appearing from the sky, avenging me on the bully. I still imagine, at my age, having a magic ring which could give me superhuman strength whenever I should be in need of it, though I know full well it's only make-believe. The universe behaves like a work of software, with natural, programmed instructions ruling it, without mercy or pity whatsoever, except what mankind institutes for the sake of justice. The Earth is not a domed stadium, the night stars are not lamps lighted for us, and we have neither helper nor saviour. Mankind must grow up and accept the fact of full responsibility and accountability, whether one believes in God or not. We are the sovereigns of our lives. Growing up means giving up Elvisology. The inhabitants of France speak a Latin-based tongue and not a Celtic-based one, and why so, because their Romanization was thorough and complete and they did not hold out against the invaders - they had no magic potion to give them superhuman strength. Though we love comic books, we must not live by them. Religion is one big fat comic book. I would laugh at it, but it's not as funny as Asterix.

¹The usual Habad banner features a red sun on a yellow background with the words "Hikonu l'Viat HaMashiach", which mean, Prepare for the coming of the Messiah.

²The joke goes like this: "What is the closest religion to Judaism?" Answer: "Lubavitch".

³Unix time counts the seconds from midnight at 1 Jan 1970. If these are stored in a 32-bit value, there is enough room until Jan 2038, and then the clock will roll over to Dec 1902. Be afraid, be very afraid. (But really, who'll be using 32 bits in 2038? We'll be well past 64 bits by then...)