Let’s hear it for the U.S. House of Representatives! They’ve voted to approve a measure which would allow for the posting of the Ten Commandments in public spaces, including schools.

While it is a wonderful start to bringing an end to school violence (most importantly, without taking away any more of our precious second amendment rights), I urge each and everyone to write to their representatives so that we can also display proudly in schools across the nation the Code of Hammurabi.

Hammurabi’s Code is a Babylonian law canon dating from 1750 B.C.E., and contains just the laws we need in order to instill “family values” and reclaim “American principles.” Why just a sampling of some of the gentler punishments to be found will make it apparent that it has moral principles every true American needs: “196. If a man has caused the loss of a gentleman’s eye, they shall cause him to lose one eye....200. If a man has made the tooth of a man that is his equal fall out, they shall make his tooth fall out.” Sound familiar?

Some of the more skeptical types might think that finding an “eye for an eye” in Babylonian law might mean that the Ten Commandments didn’t come off of a mountain, but rather from natural historical processes. As I am quite sure that the House of Representatives passed their measure in order to teach the critical thinking skills needed for our nation’s progress in science and technology, I delight in knowing that young people will get to learn more about ancient history, and the development of myths and legends.

As a matter of fact, I encourage bibles to appear in every single classroom in the country. That way, “our nation’s young people” will be able to find out the manner in which the Ten Commandments are to be enforced- at least what the bible says on the matter.

Why let’s take the most important commandment of all, first looking at Exodus Chapter 20 of the goode olde King James Version of the bible, which G-d revealed to Moshe in English- “Thou shalt have no other gods before me.” Now at first glance this might seem problematic, after all, there are gods from Allah to Zeus other than El, Elohim, Yahweh Sabaoth, and the other biblical gods that have been worshipped.

Luckily, however, the Bible provides a final solution. We can all learn a lesson from Moses’ actions after the Hebrews made a “false god” in the image of a Golden Calf. “And he said unto them, Thus saith the Lord God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and go in and out from gate to gate throughout the camp, and slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbor. And the children of Levi did according to the word of Moses: and there fell of the people that day about three thousand men.” (Exodus 32:27-28)

But why stop there? While much ado is made about parental rights, it is well apparent that the American justice system makes it difficult to enforce the commandment to “Honor thy father and mother.” If we only look in the same book that provides us the crown jewels of the Decalogue, we read: “And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death.” (Exodus 21:17)

As taxpayers, think of the savings we will reap if we abolish Child-Protective Services, and follow biblical directives: “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.” (Proverbs 13:24) Quick, efficient punishment. Who can argue with that?

With the steps our elected officials are taking, we can rest assured that the Taliban will eventually be shamed by our impressive measures to unite Church and State- they’ll finally stop being so liberal with “God’s law.” And no doubt, just like the American people (excepting those non-American Buddhists, Hindus, Agnostics, Atheists, Wiccans...homosexuals...Papist conspirators...), Afghanis will finally see “family values” in their full glory.

America- a shining beacon to the entire world, from sea to shining sea. If only reason would bless it.