Shayk 'Abdul-Kebab bin Najmulkufr is the Shayk of Shuyuk, the Talib of Tulab, the Malik of Muluk, the Kafir of Kufar, the Rasul of Rusul- AND TO TOP IT OFF, the five year consecutive CHAMPION HOG CALLER in the Tri-state Region! But when he's not bringing home the bacon, Souuuueee, he is devoted to the re-establishment of the Khalifa- *in fact* RUNNING for the Khalifate in the 1422 election.

He has an UNBELIEVABLY Hectic Schedule, as he is often seen campaigning from Darus-Salaam to Timbuktu, going village to village, mosque to mosque with the slogans "ATA-TURK, what a Jerk!," or the classic "Read my Lips- No More Zakats." Although he did run into major scandal when his former running mate for Vice-Khalifa- Cat Stevens- was caught in a hotel room playing the Satanic guitar to the tune of "Puff the Magic Dragon," it is believed his change in running mate will at least win him the state of Libya, as well as many urban districts. While some have speculated that adding the Honorable Minister Louey Farrakhan to the ticket might result in a political disaster not seen since Kerbala, mu'min opinion polls have not bared this out.

If the latest polls coming in from Hezbollah Opinion Research Centre are any indication, if the Shayk can only get the Shi'a swing voters, he may be able to garner a simple majority over his opponent Muhammad Ali. If pundits' predictions are correct, this is one swing that will give Muhammad Ali a K.O., despite his boxing glory.

While other candidates have strayed from the issues, such that it seems incomprehensible that a single one of the billion Muslims could with good iman give their allegiance pledge at the Dar-ul-Islam Convention to such munafiqeen, the Shayk has always remained steadfast to Allah's guiding principles, declining to seek personal glory. His principles have always come from the Qur'an, the Sunnah, and the Tibetan Book of the Dead, for as he explains-"I was just like whooaa! I mean, like, like teleported into an entirely new bardo, a realm wholly unlike all that I've ever known. Tantra. Just blows the Mind. Simply blows it away. Among other things...Uh...If you could excuse me...time to get back to the wifeys...."

When we are faced with such a sheer genius we cannot but marvel when he attributes all of his talents and magnificent accomplishments to the Lord of his life- kebabs. "Lip smackin', neuron heat packin' badabadabingbang bam! Kabaam! An explosion of taste! Of spice! A monumental summation of all of Islam's accomplishments, past, present, and future!"

"If it weren't for kebabs and Islam, I just can't imagine where humanity would be. I speculate the moon, Mars, and beyond, but again, I really don't think people should be squating on Allah's ornaments, I mean with all the jinn flying around up there and everything-- It's obviously for our own good." When asked about DASA, the Dar-ul-Islam Anti-Space Association, he spared no words for those who would try to reach a common meeting ground with astronomy and cosmology- "It's in a book folks. Period. No debate. No thought. No telescopes. Do what the book says. Astronauts, and *shudder* cosmonauts are *ALL* lying flying perverts who need to repent of their sins and come to the truth."

But the Shayk saves his most carefully selected words for campaign 22's most divisive issue, whether to celebrate Mawlid-An-Nabbii. "You know, I'm just like the next guy. I like my birthday, I mean the candles, the singing, the belly dancer out of the giant birthday cake... but you know I am not sure about throwing a bash when the birthday boy ain't around to enjoy. Perhaps we could just decorate date palms or something- ya what do they call it- ya SYMBOLIC. We can celebrate his birth even though he's taking a dirt nap." It is unknown whether this approach will meet with the rigid demands of the Wahhabis, who demand the death of every single Muslim known to have blown out the candles on Mawlid-An-Nabbii.

While he can elucidate the most daunting controversies of fiqh with two cerebral lobes behind his back, the Shayk has said that he would never have come to his great appreciation and understanding of jurisprudence if it were not for the loving efforts of his father- a celebrated scholar in his own right- Shayk Najmulkufr.

"If it weren't for my dear Ab, I could have never have become the youngest Hafiz Qur'an ever at the tender age of 4- I can't imagine how my critical thinking skills could have developed if my father had not chained me to a post and left me with a Ju'zah to memorize each week."

"After that seminal experience, I went on to memorize all 500,000 hadith, Ted's classic the Unabomber Manifesto, Tolstoy's War and Peace, and the all the numbers in the Istanbul phone book. Gosh, I'm EVEN PLANNING on learning ARABIC one day, memorizing the vocab, I dunno, maybe after I retire. I've got the alphabet down pat, but it would be nice to know the meaning of the words..."

Despite his erudition, the Shayk hasn't forgotten the little people, all of whom need to learn the proper manner of brushing their teeth and shaving in the nether regions of the awra. "That's why I decided to put my fatwas on the World Wide Web. It's always a big responsibility to do someone's thinking for them, but it is very rewarding. In fact according to Allah Subhana Wa' Tala, if a get only a few more "frequent thawaber points" I am all set to get the super deluxe Heavenly Gold Package. Whereas the common heaven-goer only gets a light-year long tree in his garden alongside the fried green tomatoes, a few personal bimbo groupees, a pond of Chateâu '34, and whatever his heart could desire, I get even more fixin's. It's kind of like Fantasy Island, except they don't have that annoying munchkin yelling "The Plane! The Plane!"

"Plus I get front row seats to the entertainment of the Hell-fire. It's cool because you can yell at the kufar, at the top of your lungs, throw all sorts of rubish on the playing floor, and just generally get into a drunken ruckus- and they can't do a damn thing about it. But it's all just a matter of rooting for the right team in this life- TEAM ALLAH..."

"Oh those Kufar, how they laughed at us in this life, but certainly inshaa Allah we will be getting the last laugh. 'Ha! Ha! O inhabitants of jahenum, have you found the promise of the televangelists with their slicked back hair, Lordy Lordy drawl, and constant need for "love donations" true? I mean their Islamic equivalents....Ha! Ha! Where are your idols of "science" and "free-thinking" now! Being burned asunder alongside you?'"