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Why can't I be more stupid? |
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SMART PERSON: Wow, it really smells bad in here. I mean, flatulence is one thing. But it's like someone forgot to put a trap in every single drain pipe in the building! EVERYONE ELSE: Huh? STUPID PERSON: It smells like rotten fart in here. EVERYONE ELSE: Hahahahahaha! For your information, a trap is the U-shaped piece of pipe that keeps sewer gas from rising up through your drain pipes and into your house. Go ahead, take a look under your kitchen sink. It's there. If it wasn't, your home probably would smell like rotten fart. But back to the topic at hand, the more you think about something, the worse it is, and less acceptable it is. I've been overthinking things my whole life. People I know don't tend to think I'm funny, unless I say one thing every ten minutes or so. On the other hand, eight-year-olds think I'm the second coming of Sam Kinison, but it's usually only after they've taken some sort of standardized test. But stupidity is great, because you blurt something out that you didn't mean, and you become a folk hero. "Wow," people will say. "Did you remember when so-and-so said that thing about driving, and then you said, 'Dude, I only drove with my lights off that one time.' Oh man, that was sweet!" All of a sudden, men think you're Dale Earnhardt. Women think you're dangerous. And you leave with that much more free beer and phone numbers. Never mind the fact that you had to pay a five-hundred dollar fine for reckless op, you dumb ass. Now, there is such a thing as sheer stupidity, which is really only funny to the person who's sheerly stupid. You know these people. They say things like "Go ahead. Make my day," and "I'll be back!" and other hackneyed movie lines that you didn't realize that real people still actually said, until you hear them. The problem with having something smart to say, is that there's a certain subtlety to it. It takes a second to figure out. As Denis Leary used to say, some people laugh, and the others need an explanation. Nobody ever had a joke to make about the Book of Leviticus without giving their audience at least ten minutes to think about it, or to consult a Bible. After all, we are talking about the Old Testament here. Being stupid is more user-friendly. Talk about something you just read in the Wall Street Journal: expect to receive blank stares. Talk about something you saw on WifeSwap: expect a long conversation. Make a couple of mistakes describing it: you're in like flint. And let's not forget the memories that come from making mistakes. Nobody remembers the time you skiied down a double black diamond and came through without a scratch. They remember the time you skiied down the bunny slope and hit a tree. All of a sudden, you're Bill Buckner, but somehow, in a good way. Look, I know that being yourself and being a unique person is supposed to be a virtue, but sometimes you've just got to give it up for the warm embrace of conformity, and the loving looks of approval that come from being able to quote Animal House. After all, was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no. Hasta la vista: Jeremy. |
Dec. 20, 2004: Stupidity is great. No really, it is. Because the
dumber you are, the more great one-liners you have. The smarter you
are, the harder it is to connect with other people. For
example: