The Freedom Files

Winner of the Advocates for Self-Government Lights of Liberty Award!

The Freedom Files

"Laissez-faire, laissez-passer, le monde va de lui-meme."

DIY since 2001…

Hello Freedomphiles! I hope you all had a great time at your Janet’s Nipple parties. From what I understand from the media, it was flanked by a strange contest where guys in tight Capri pants threw an inflated pork rind around on a piece of giant green measuring tape.

Are you guys a sick as I am of hearing about Janet’s damned titty? I mean, it didn’t even look that good, did it? I’ve never been a fan of bras and boustiers with the breasteses cut out, anyway. It squishes them all out of proportion. It’s like an invisible mammogram is being performed right in front of us. It reminds me of the ghost raping Barbara Hershey in The Entity. It's really nauseating. It looks about as sexy as a guy with the waistband of his tighty-whities tucked under his ballsack.

Apparently, Janet – well, Miss Jackson because I’m nasty – is even considering writing a song about the incident for her upcoming album.

Good. Okay. Well, I am calling an official moratorium on the mentioning of Janet’s titties.

That is, after this Freedom File.

"MTV was completely unaware of it. It was not my intention that it go as far as it did. I apologize to anyone offended -- including the audience, MTV, CBS and the NFL,” an apologetic Jackson said in a statement. At least Madonna had the balls to stand unashamed, and say, “I am a great big ho-bag. Deal with it.” Christina Aguilera traded her pop princess image for one of a dirty skank in assless chaps without an apology, and the world loves her for it. But not Janet, no – she just couldn’t commit.

Justin jumped in on the prostrated act of contrition bandwagon, as well. "What occurred was unintentional and completely regrettable, and I apologize if you guys were offended,” he said to the Grammy audience, who were still crestfallen over his breakup with Britney, and his subsequent refusal to make a gay sex tape with Ashton Kutcher.

This has even gone so far as to affect the career of left-behind-and-soon-forgotten metrosexual N’Sync band mate JC Chasez, who was banned from playing the halftime show of the Pro Bowl. Perhaps they were afraid fellow also-ran Michelle Williams, formerly of Beyonce slingshot Destiny’s Child, would run out and flash her beaver at everyone.

No one, it seems, was more upset by this than the pricks over at the FCC. "The now infamous display during the Super Bowl halftime show, which represented a new low in prime-time television, is just the latest example in a growing list of deplorable incidents over the nation's airwaves," said FCC chairman Michael Powell to the Senate Commerce Committee. Apparently, they have received over 200,000 complaints from horrified Americans, distraught that the government could let them see something as horrifying and damaging as Janet’s titty.

"Action must be taken by the entire television and radio industry to heed the public's outcry and take affirmative steps to curb the race to the bottom," Powell said. "This industry simply must help clean up its own room." Yes, because the television industry is not beholden to consumers, otherwise. All that money they spend to track ratings to lure advertisers is really just an exercise in academia.

Face it, America. You see what you see on television because that’s what you’ve asked for. A race to the bottom? Sure – that’s where all the viewers live. And we like it here.

C’mon people, let’s admit it – we like titties – even Janet’s floppy, squished titties. Two hundred thousand people out of ninety million get pissed off, and the government steps in to deprive the remaining 89,800,000 of the simple pleasures of gratuitous nudity.

"I understand that Congress has been a reluctant body when legislating on the issue of speech," said Rep. John D. Dingell of Michigan. "But we find ourselves faced with an industry that has failed to control itself." To that, I say bullshit! We regulate the airwaves, by changing or not changing the channels. We don’t need the government stepping in and telling us what we ought to be watching.

Meanwhile, the federal government taxes you, funds the National Ad Council, and uses threats of loss of broadcasting licenses to blackmail networks into showing them for free. So, now, they don’t want me to have Janet’s titty, but they do want me to have fucking David Schwimmer telling me how to raise my son. I can’t be the only one insulted and offended by this.

But back to Dingell. Congress has, I guess, been somewhat reluctant when legislating the issue of speech. That may be because the First Amendment to our Constitution says, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.” [emphasis mine, because no one else seems to emphasize it]

It says “no law.” So what do we do? We create an entire huge agency, The Federal Censorsh – er, Communications – Commission, set up for no other purpose than to monitor and regulate speech.

Free speech my ass. It wasn’t free for Howard Stern, who was fined $600,000 by the FCC for talking about beating his meat to a picture of Aunt Jemima. It wasn’t free for Portland radio station KBOO, who played Sarah Jones’ anti-misogynist rap anthem, Your Revolution, and got fined. And it’s not going to be free for Viacom.

Fuck Janet's titty.

Ban the FCC.

Until next time, make it a good one!

- Rick

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