Mentally Threadbare:
Burning Out In Cyberspace
Good evening, Diary. I'm sorry if I go on and on about Heidi, Roberta and Brenda so much, but there's really starting to gnaw at my resolve and my santity. I first came online because I thought of it as a kind of brave new world and I was an explorer mapping out new territory. I have spoken to you about what I like to call my "R.E.M. Years," that is primarily why I bought a computer in the first place. I met a couple of kids who were rabid fans of the band, along with myself. We were all waiting downtown for the tickets to their concert in Toronto and they both regaled me with exciting tales of knowing that Michael Stipe had read something seventeen-year-old Grace had written and it had really blown her away. I wanted to get on the Internet because I was told it was pretty much R.E.M.-driven.
It was 1995 and I was only twelve at the time. But Stipe was my hero and my salvation throughout public school. Grace and her buddy, Sharon befriended me, even though they were five years my junior. Anyway, Diary, from the time I bought my second-hand computer and went online with a vengeance, my entire life changed. But you've heard all this before.
Now, back to the Terrible Trio again: My basic grudge against Roberta, besides all the obvious ones, is that she has controlled our lives far more than she should have. She's indirectly still doing that, because my primary concern since she had my site de-activated has been in prosecuting her for peddling child pornography online. Tonight I am exorcizing one of my demons by calling Paxil.com back and alerting them to the grim reality that my silly little link about her and Heidi that I posed specifically to get them to leave us the hell alone,I want her to pay for the emotional damage she has caused both of us. But I have cried too many tears to just let this all slip by. I look forward to the day when we can talk about Tim without those idiots getting on our boards or coming up with yet another way to stick us in the back. I have spent a lot of years running from bullies, but they all seem to ultimately find me.
My doctor put me back on antidepressants---it's a drug called "Zoloft" that's good for clinical depression. I told his nurse what Roberta and Heidi have done and could not keep from crying. I am so, so worried about Mr. Spock these days that anymore stress is just too damned much. You can certainly relate to that. I adore that cat and would be crushed beyond repair if anything happened to him.
I won't feel comfortable until something is done about Roberta. I hope she is banned forever, not just a few months or a year. It would be wonderful to go online and not find some of that woman's dirty work. Heidi will continue to prowl the internet, but I refuse to go anywhere near her. Is she on your board at the moment? If not, I would like to start posting there. address, she can worm her way back in. But at least Heidi is not smart. Roberta is, but she abuses that talent over and over. Heidi is just plain daft--my guess is that one day, she will simply self-destruct and that nastiness and venom will drive everyone away from her. Without her cohort, Roberta online these days, Heidi gets rather lonely. If this sounds nasty and meanspirited, I apologize. These women know how to push my buttons. My very existence seems to disturb them. I've never come across such nasty and pahological people during my eight years online. They are true aberrations and I feel sorry for them.
Thanks for letting me get hot tears all over your pages. I am fortunate that you aren't able to call either my mother or father. There's no way that they will find out about all this crap, because it would just stress them out. They are going through a tough period with the state of their ragged marriage and they don't need anymore grief. I am hoping that Roberta somehow won't find my new board and start accosting us with their mindless drivel. She has to realize that she can't get away with the crap she pulls. I'm afraid to say that she givew me chills and not good chills.
<fondly,
lisa
I know that I need to move ahead on the Brenda issue. I keep looking over my shoulder, wondering if and when she seeks revenge against me for alerting the authorities about her kiddy porn issues. She is a very spiteful and vindictive person. Jesus wants me to forgive her, but I need a lot of work with Him. He likes His flock to turn a blind eye to evil and He even wants to forgive Hitler of all people. When I pray, I say that there is no way I can think of that monster as anything but an evil, terrible man who wiped six million Jews off the face of the earth. Ii can't see myself ever forgiving that piece of garbage.
Back to Brenda, I strongly believe that she will find her way around this Internet banning thing and come back to seek revenge on us. The way someone is banned is that she cannot get online because her house has been deemed the source of her nastiness. In other words, nobody at her address can get onto the internet. I am not sure whether or not she would move, or use another address. I am pretty sure, however, that the authorities have a way around that.
As for Heidi, well, she is, quite simply, completely out of her mind. And that fake letter from Tim that she sent to me is so bogus that it's laughable. I knew it was her because only Brits refer to high school kids as "school boys" and school girls." She catches herself in one lie after another. I am not sure if she wonders where her partner in crime, Jennifer went and whether she has called Brenda to tell her what we did. Heidi is, as we know, close friends with Brenda, so who knows.
As i told you the other day, Diary, I do not have the strength or the fortitude to go to any of them because she has a mean streak a mile wide. And the way she goes on and on, ad nauseum, about my picture of Tim with Jason being labelled as Tim as a baby with his look-alike father is pure insanity. Instead of preying on people online, Heidi needs to spend more time with her family and less time being a cyber-tyrant. It's gotten old real fast and I have to say that the woman is, quite frankly, not all there.
Tomorrow I will check my e-mail before heading off for class. I have two English tutorials and one Science lecture first thing tomorrow, so there's no way I can stay up late online. I haven't told many of my classmates about the nightmarish garbage going on in my Internet world, because they would just tell me to block their e-mail and avoid going into any of the Tim forums. People don't get what I ever saw in him and one guy is really pissed at me about it. So the other kids think I am having a good semester here and it will stay that way. I never want Roberta, Brenda or Heidi to psychologically infiltrate my university world. That would be far too much for me to handle. Tess and Bridget think I'm "too dark" for them these days, so I will do my best to keep conversation positive. I love it here at York, but the campus is somewhat barren and winter will descend upon us way too early for my liking.
Well, I'm really tired now, so I'll put you to bed too. Night.
Fondly,
lisa
They are like a malignant growth that grows bigger and more deadly despite radiation and chemotherapy. Sick, twisted cells voraciously eat at my rationale and my weakening sanity. They won't rest until I am riddled with their disease. Would anyone notice if I just suddenly dropped out of sight because Heidi and the others finally drove me over the edge? This is difficult to talk about, Diary, but you are the only one who knows about this shit. Well, except for Sadie Walsh. I've mentioned her to you, haven't I? She's one of my best online buddies. She goes to school at the University of Georgia and actually got to meet Michael Stipe! Isn't that awesome? She's been sick for a couple of weeks but tomorrow night I will e-mail her and break my silence. Sadie's strong, smart, funny and self-depracating and I have learned a lot from her. I need her to let me know just how to handle the lunatic fringe. She'll likely tell me that being a "bomber groupie" to Tim McVeigh can only lead me into dangerous and stagnant waters. Is she right on this one?
