Flowers For Timothy McVeigh: Revealing A Dark Side Of the Internet: A Novel

Disclaimer:

On this page, readers are being let into a dark and secret world, one with enough negative energy to wipe out an entire civilization as it implodes, vapourizing each and every living thing and leaving nothing but a large, gaping hole of pain as pure as a baby's soul. No, I do not speak of a nuclear holocaust. Ground zero for this potentially lethal society is that which is inextripically bound and recognized as that vast netherland known as the Internet. In this novel, a 21-year-old university student named Lisa Schultz, who is attending York University in Toronto, Canada, becomes transfixed by the exciting and potentially exciting world, one only accessible by a computer, a modem and a glimmering monitor.

But in time, Lisa would discover that her life was simply not worth living. Her last year on earth will be documented in a novel, a work based largely on my own Internet life of late. The majority of this work will be comprised of chat rooms, back-and-forth e-mail discussions, websites and Lisa's private journal, accessed by her word processor. Lisa Schultz, a pretty, slim girl from an upper-class family who was once excited about the future, loving, warm and engaging, finds that the Internet would be her downfall. She had always wanted to be a writer and had already published one book: A document of her adolescence spent battling eating disorders and cutting her body with razor blades. Lisa and her family had thought that these illnesses had faded into obscurity, but they were all to be proven wrong.

Read this book when it's completed, for it holds a warning for anyone who gets too caught up in a world of suspicion, jealousy and hate. Lisa was not stalked by a predator looking for sexual favours. She was not kidnapped, nor did she fall victim to the sobering spectre of Internet dating.

No, it was far, far more insidious and evil than that. Slowly, deliberately and tragically, Lisa's downfall was masterminded by a group of dark and disturbing individuals that Lisa met when she put up a website which supported Timothy McVeigh----a work Lisa hoped would give people pause to see the man as a kind of misguided martyr without a cause.

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Date: Mon, 25 May 2002 06:20:43 -0700 (PDT)
From: [email protected]>
To: [email protected]
Subject: Timothy McVeigh
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MY friends are everywhere, dont you dare ever again, slander my name or that of my family, ok?? You might have the added exuse of mental illness. But your spelling is shit, and you cant type for toffee.

I'm watching you lisa, and if you ever again insult anyone I care about or love,watch out. Your insidiuous behaviour is an insult and i dont take kindly to people using my family name to get their own 5 minutes of fame.

I have taken the necessary steps of taking down your particulars and I wont sit back and let you continue to do down people who are my friends, your lies to the likes of and Cheryl, are not a problem to me for they will find you out later on, I intend to make it my business so that they do find you out in the many many lies told about my friends.

Take down the site Lisa, its not in my name and I dont want it up there, its insulting and pornograph stories from you to me make me sick, you can't be serious that I could do those things with you can you??? Take a look in the mirror and then take a look at the pics of the women I like and you will see for yourself that there is NO comparison. As a matter of fact, your face looks like an entire football tem had trampled on it. And I just know you get stepped on a lot. Doormats like you do that all the time. It is hard enough for me here on death row, without your whining and simpering letters that make no sense to me at all. Where did you get your information?? And where the fuck do you get off telling me I have post-traumatic stress syndrome. Hey, if anyone is mentally ill, it's you. Heidi writes to me all the time and HER letters, I read. I read one letter of yours and then had all the rest of them put in the shredder. Aw, poor little baby. Am I making you cry?

Not even if you were the slightest bit pretty would I look at you, and remember to tell your misguided friends, and Cheryl, I like my women to be more up top in the brains department. Simpering just dont do it for me. You're sick and mentally incapacitated and that's enough of a turnoff for most men, especially me. You could only dream about what I have going for me now, and im happier than I ever was. You and I are nothing alike so forget that idea straight away, you're no author or special person to me. Your nothing. And thats the way it will stay.

At 08:56 AM Tue 28 May 2003 Sad_Lisa wrote:

LOL!!!! God I needed a good laugh! Now letters from the grave???? Heidi, you have outdone yourself this time. Even if YOU were ten years younger, Tim would spit on you. I know all about skank.com and you have used this alias before---you know, you expend a great deal of energy trying to bring me to my knees, metaphorically speaking---oh wait, that word has more than two syllables so you won't understand it. Too bad.

So, did ya contact a medium and get these words? THANK YOU for making me laugh so hard. Nearly fell off my chair.

So, you not only got letters from the live Tim, you're getting them from the dead one. You need help badly, girl. This time I mean it when I say all other crap from you and your clone, Brenda will be deleted unread. I gave into my curiosity until now. You are a very, very sick woman and need professional help.

Tell me, is he still talking to you on the phone too?

Brother.

Timothy McVeigh.
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Date: Tue, 26 May 2002 01:35:26 -0700 (PDT)
From: Heidi_Seek
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Subject: huh??
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What are you on about????
You really have no idea who your talking to do you???
hahahahahahahahahha
hahahahahaha
hahahahah.

Loads of us have these accounts, and your name is on the list Lisa... Just take the advice when its dished out to you..

This has nothing to do with Heidi or Brenda, your really in deep arent You?? Whats up obbsessed with Heidi and Brenda too......

You will be laughing if you insist on keeping up the harrassment of anyone. If you dont want letters stop talking to him then, cos I know you dont just talk to him and ask him things your also having silly fantasies about him....

We see everything and you're over the top, and way too obsessive I have no need to change any clock, or time.

How does it feel to be so crazy and ugly, Lisa. God your face could stop a fucking clock. Sod off and quit bothering me. Everytime you get anything at all that's unpleasant to you, you go assuming it's either me, Brenda or Roberta. News flash, babe: You have a LOT of enemies on the Internet and off. NObody can stand you because you whine incessantly and go on and on about your pathetic attempt at a book, a book NObody reads, BTW. Tim had courage and grace under fire, but you have NONE..... hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah just wait and see lisa, you will end up wishing you hadn't started all this.

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Date: Wed, 27 May 2002 04:41:11 -0700 (PDT)
From: Sad_Lisa
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Subject: huh??
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LOL. I just read this---my curiosity got the better of me. Yet another laughable e-mail. It is my contention that these pathetic women have nothing else going on with their lives except being totally obsessed with Tim. Brenda claims to have a nice home, a doting husband, kids and good looks, things I "can never have."

If I'm that much of a loser, Heidi, then why do you bother with all of this crap?? You are nothing but a laughing stock. Pretending Tim is still alive?? Hey, I bet you saw Elvis at the supermarket too. Did he sing fer ya, toots? Before you completely lose it and end up at the giggling academy, I strongly suggest that you take a long sabbatical and think seriously about what your life has become. It ain't pretty, Heidi---and I still don't think you are a separate person from Roberta and Brenda.

And as for that silly threat about being sorry I started all this----that's right, that's what I did---it's beyond pathetic. Thanks to you, i have all of Brenda's info, and if she and you continue to make threats, i will call the authorities in Lincoln, Nebraska and have her taken in for questioning.

At 05:35 AM Thu 29 May 2003 +0502 Sad_Lisa wrote:

When I thought about it, I realized that I started that battle royal between the two of us when I reacted rather badly after seeing you posting on my board. So I need the one to apologize. Heidi, I hate arguing and hurting people and I know I have hurt you. Your reaction was to make fun of my looks and even though I found that somewhat amusing, it hurt a lot just the same.

I also remember that I have apologized to you before and then started up the fights again. You have a little dog and i must tell you that I cannot stay angry at an animal lover. What kind of dog is it? He's cute as a button.

Heidi, I mean it this time. No more nastiness. I know we were friends once. Roberta and Brenda made me quite paranoid and that too is my fault. Yes, they have treated me terribly, but as I said in the e-card I sent you, I need to forgive them too.

Please accept my sincere regrets. Tim would not like it if we were fighting all the time about him. He didn't like confrontations at all and neither do I.

You are pretty and are not fat. I was grasping at straws because you had told me how ugly and dirty I am. I have never thought of myself as anywhere near pretty, so why I posted those unflattering pictures of myself on my site is beyond me. As you say, people do look different in various photos. Even Tim had his rather unattractive shots. I remember when he was on that Primetime show, several weeks before he was killed by his government, they showed two pictures of him as a security guard. The first one was gorgeous but the second didn't do him justice.

Anyway, I don't blame you if you still despise me. But my anger has dissipated completely. I had a long, hard run, which got rid of my hostility.

lisa

This peace offering was sent to Brenda:

Is there any way we can just have a truce and stop hurting each other? I have this uneasy feeling that you and Roberta are the same person. That so-called picture of Roberta could be anyone. It could be your sister or your cousin for all i know.

Your e-mails are identical to hers and I notice she has been oddly silent these past couple of weeks. Your e-mails and message board posts were once rather quiet and unassuming. Roberta was the vocal one. If you are Roberta, well it's not for me to say why you are doing that.

I have to confess that I rather enjoyed posting that link about you on my site last night. But in retrospect, I realize it is rather meanspirited. I may tone it down, but please, can we just agree to disagree and move on with our lives? You may still hate me---there's absolutely nothing i can do about that. But hating someone uses a great deal of energy---energy that you could spend writing. i think you could be a fair author if you want, seeing is that you may have orchestrated this thing with Roberta.

My manuscript does not dwell on Tim. He is merely the subject within the main plot, which is about the dark side of the I love to write, it's the only thing that keeps me grounded, along with running. My beloved cat has to go on insulin and may not be around much longer. I am enjoying him while I have him, because we don't know how much longer he can live. Can we bury the proverbial hatchet, instead of imbedding it in my skull?

sincerely,
lisa

The diary that Lisa's family found soon after her death had the following entries. They are both disturbing and sad and help answer some of the burning questions: What happened to Lisa everytime she logged on to the Internet? What could possibly have driven her to shoot herself? It was all so surreal:

Diary--you are my only friend now. And I'm back again. It's so nice to see a kind and welcoming face. You have become that for me, Diary. I think of you more as a person than a book of empty paper that I fill with my thought and emotions, my good days and bad. Lately, though, the bad days are coming much more frequently. My life online just isn't fun anymore. When I log on to read my messages, I get this terrible indigestion and have to go chug-alugging the Maalox. My heart races and I feel these cold tentacles clutching at my throat. Why do I keep doing this? I'm starting to feel worthless, crazy and a parody of what I could have been if I had never heard of the Internet.

My messages have become perfect examples of how gullible I am. I thought these e-mails would bring our friendships back, but from the letters I received following these, I know for a fact that these women are bad news. Or is it me? Am I the antagonist? Could Heidi, Brenda and Roberta be the good guys and I am the monster? How to I justify living the rest of my life as a pariah? I am left wondering something, something that could be the end of me---for good this time. Yes, I have cried wolf so many times that if I make similar comments to the three of them again, I will be even more of a laughing stock than ever: My God, could all of this have been my fault?? I mean, is it MY doing that Heidi now despises me? What have I done? This has been all my own fault. Heidi once professed to be my friend, so what did I do to dash all of that on the sharp rocks of misguided passion?

Tim, were you really that reviled and disgusted with me during those dark and lonely years? Was I an ugly, collosal joke to you, as Heidi professes? I thought you enjoyed my letters. They were filled with compassion. Surely you wouldn't have turned down someone who helped to shed a little light on your dark and deadly world. Now it's all come crashing down on my head. If I hurt you somehow, I am deeply sorry. But I will tell you a deep and oddly irrisistable secret and you have to promise to keep it to yourself. The fact is that I will be with you soon. We will be reunited in heaven. I know that many of your enemies are certain that you have gone to hell. But I don't believe in hell. Hell is our four score and ten years on this planet. That's where we learn survival tactics or we simply do not live to anywhere near an old age.

Jesus loved you and so did I. Nobody understands, Tim. You were the most hated man in the world---that's what screamed at us from newspaper stands. Well, I can certainly relate, because I am truly the most despised person on the Internet. Tim I am so very, very sorry if I sullied your name and made enemies, all to be contained in that brilliant white light that enveloped you the moment that the potassium chloride hit your system and shut down your body. I am broken and bowed. I am still alive and it hurts so much. Well, I've cried the blues for too long. See you soon, Love, Lisa.

eating away at my resolve and my energy:

Here I am, online for only two minutes. Less than a day after I wrote my compassionate e-mail to "Heidi" she sent me this. It's angry and cruel. I hate what I have become. I'm rude, spiteful and pathetic. But when I log on, this negative and nasty persona takes over. Whereas I am funny, smart and savvy in my real world, I take a vindictive stance and lower myself to their level. Oh God what am I going to do? I'm like the Incredible Hulk, or Dr. Jeckle and Ms. Hyde.

I will take a very deep breath and try not to let any of the e-mails from Heidi, Roberta or Brenda turn me into a freak. I am not a freak. But as I look at my inbox, I see that I have once again ruffled everyone's feathers. I made a little mistake on a picture on my site and you'd think I committed the crime of the millennium. Nevermind 9/11, what I did was MUCH worse. Uh huh. I had been writing to Jeff Paul, a death row inmate at the Federal Death Row Unit in Terre Haute, Indiana---the same place Tim spent his last years for over two years, until "Heidi" fed him countless lies about me. He has decided to decline writing to me, but if that is what he wants, I am not begging or pleading. I have better things to do than that. "Heidi" thrives on negativity and hate-----she's full of unbridled RAGE---and I fear for her children. It turns out that she's not from Britain at all, but from a town in North Carolina. It was all a ruse. I don't know why I tried to get through to her and Brenda. They are lost causes.

Tim, are you up there laughing at me?

Lisa
At 08:45 AM Jun 23 2003 +01200 "Heidi_Seek" wrote:

Hey, Lisa, you fucking piece of work. I'm assuming youve lost the plot again. That picture is tim holding a baby, not his father, so stop all the lies, you have no idea about Tim, or who he was, or wasn't.

Stop hassling him and his family, your not worthy of them, they are decent kind people and they dont want a silly young woman like you rambling on and on to them, Let them get on with their lives and memories that are none of your business. I will give your love to your family. They know how much you loved them. I loved you too. Good-bye. I'll see you one of these days. I'd like you to meet my beloved grandfather, Ed. He'd get a kick out of your grandad.

You didn't love Tim, you cant love someone you don't know, God, your really a piece of nasty work Lisa. >Let it go Lisa, Tim wouldnt have wanted anything to do with you and your problems. For a start your way way too weird and crazy for him. And he wasn't into clinging vines. I know what Tim liked and didnt, and im afraid, you really need to keep your sad stupid thoughts to yourself.

Jeff doesn't want any correspondence with you, he tells me that, and he's happy for you to save your money on the stamps, because he wont be writing back to you. Drop all the bullshit Lisa, you will never know Tim in the way i do, and youve not a hope in hell of ever meeting up with him anywhere. Find a new subject, cos you're getting crazier and crazier with each passing day. Stop wasting your time, find something else to ramble on and on about. Its getting tedious.

Heidi

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Date: Wed, 27 May 2002 04:41:11 -0700 (PDT)
From: Sad_Lisa
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Subject: huh??

Tedious isn't the word for it. Sorry to lower myself to your pathetic level, but I am only human and you are SUCH a hopeless ass. I find your e-mails entertaining for the most part and sad for another. I am convinced that you are an "alter" of Brenda the Bratt, as "Roberta" is as well. Brenda is the dominant personality and you and Roberta come out from time to time. It's called multiple personality disorder and you are a very ill woman. I feel sorry for you---this "Tim McVeigh" alter is the male personality and thus, is the protector. Male alters are all protectors. So, instead of hating you, I feel badly that you are nothing but another fragment of Brenda's personality, "Heidi." And if and when Brenda decides to go into therapy to meld all her alters into one and be a normal, happy person, you will cease to exist. So you don't threaten me at all.

Lisa's evening diary entry speaks volumes in a few short words:

Diary, I can no longer look at myself in the mirror. I no longer possess a soul. I have become one of them and I just want to disappear. Life just isn't worth living anymore. Tim, is your spirit as lost as I am?

...Back to my home page

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