i just took four lit's - that's four pink and white capsules of lithium, a powerful antidepressant given to manic depressives and psychotics. why did i take them? i don't know. i like to fuck with my head, sometimes i get so hyper that i just need to calm down, regress my head into stupor. that's why i smoke weed too, after a couple of joints my thoughts are so disjointed that it doesn't matter if i am depressed or happy or whatever. when i am high on weed i like to think of brilliant thoughts, flying around in my head from one happy or depressed thought chain to another, none of it seemingly leaving any permanent imprint on my character. the power of reality comes from the fact that it is the time frame that we operate on. under alcohol or weed or pills, this time frame is nullified and replaced with another time frame. it's like a time warp to a universe with another set of rules.
sometimes i wonder what it would like to be insane or to be in a mental asylum, partially insane, but heavily medicated so that life seems to be a string of unrelated flashes of clarity. could you even comprehend the duality of your existence in such a physical state? in india, there are people called sufi's who try to escape the bounds of reality as most people know it. some try to do it through drugs, smoking hashish all the time, till they hallucinate and see visions of another beautiful world which holds keys to unlocking the reality of this universe. other's just drive themselves mad by believing they are mad, chanting and beating their breasts until they faint from exhaustion or delirium. either way all over the muslim world, these people are considered holy men (women rarely take this route) and are highly revered.
but, i digress from my earlier point. the reason i am feeling somewhat hyper today is that i just realized how to make my job more enjoyable. i am supposed to be testing this SAP piece of crap, but there's really nothing to do and so i sit around playing on the internet all day long. now no matter how discreet i am, due to the fact that i am sitting in a busy hallway with no cubicle to shield me, people are able over time to notice that i seem to do no work and am always fucking around. this doesn't bother me as i could fuck around all day but appearances have to be kept up and so i always have to have false props on the screen or on my table or on my face. i can't really be slouching on my chair, looking at stocks on the internet all day and expect all the managers to be passing me by with their vacant looking faces and keep getting payed. after i typed this, i realized that that's pretty much how i spend most of my time at this job. and to be honest it sucks.
it sucks because i would like to be doing something which is a little bit more challenging. it sucks to come to a job and be continually looking at the clock or thinking up of activities you can do to make time pass faster. also i hate the way everybody here treats me, they have all realized that since i do no work, i am a nobody and needn't bother with me. this assumption is wrong since there are other facets to me and since i am as if not smarter than them. but in work you talk to most people foremostly on a job related basis and then slowly expand your focus from there to jokes and questions about the other person's personality. so i kinda hate the fact that when people look at me they look right through me and dont' even notice me as a human being, i'm more like a turd to, and even for all my anti-socialness and sarcasm, i like to be addressed with trivial questions so that i can feel like a part of the larger group. boohoo..boo..hohooo... i want to be a part of THE GROUP.
the lithium is really kicking in, so i'm going to sign off now, as emotionally i can't figure out if i feel good or bad about anything, there's just this buzzing in my head as i stare at the wall ahead of me and realize seemingly for the first time that it is yellow.