rants n raves

by tom miller

 

 

11/08/98 - 4:12 P.M.

 

politics and dancing

 

 

a couple of interesting things have happened. john glenn returned from space and fortunately did not blow up on reentry. this is great news. america has another hero to admire in an older person, and i must say that older americans do not get the respect they deserve. we do not market to older americans, we market to the 18 to 35 demographic because we have this fixation on youth built into our collective consciousness. everybody wants to think young, look young, and act young. they want the vitality. they want to radiate energy. they want to put the old people in a corner and pretend they aren't here.

 

that's too bad, and you'll be there too.

 

*****

 

so john glenn came back and newt gingrich went away. don't start applauding just yet. though it looks like president clinton and the american people took a big shit on the republican party, anybody with a brain stem had better know that gingrich quit so he could mount a run for president; and let me say he will have frighteningly enormous support.

 

i know about politics. i've even run a campaign for local office which was designed to remove a bad mayor. i'm happy to say he's gone. i vote and i believe it's important to vote. i also believe that if a person makes an educated and conscious decision to not vote, then that is a vote as well. it's those people who don't vote because they didn't even know there was an election; those people need help. they probably won't make it.

 

and because i know about politics, i feel i need to share a very important message. if you are gay and you are a republican, you are a suicide. if you are black and you are a republican, you are white.

 

being black or gay and being a republican is like going into battle and shooting your own men. if you are gay or black and a republican, you don't know anything about politics. don't waste your breath arguing with me about it. i'm right.

 

*****

 

on to dancing. i work in a gay bar, as you know, and i see many people shaking around and twisting their hips and looking this way and that, all in the effort to be dancing.

 

i never dance. i used to, but why should i move this way, and then that way, and then back this way again to a kick drum that is going thump thump thump thump?

 

is it to sweat?

 

is it to appear sexual to others on the dance floor?

 

is it a social narcotic like throwing a dinner party or buying your lover a cheap greeting card?

 

i hate to be the one to break the news but you people can't dance. and what's worse; i'm currently at work on a new psychological theory which states the following:

 

people dance like they fuck.

 

this is how i conduct my research. i watch a person dance, and then i either try to fuck them or watch them fucking.

 

from my research, i can tell you that most of you can't dance.

 

get my drift?

 

and if you don't believe me, go out to a night club and watch very carefully. watch how one person reacts to the others in the room.

 

then, imagine them fucking the way they are dancing. in this context, you will be astounded at what you discover, and you may never dance again. when you research, as i have, you'll never have to have bad sex again either, unless you yourself are a poor dancer.

 

1. the mirror

 

you will find that many people, especially if they have come alone to the club, will dance provocatively and look at themselves in the mirror. occasionally, they will glance into the crowd to see if anyone finds them as sexy as they find themselves. that night, they will masturbate and sleep in late the next morning.

 

2. the fucker

 

this dance is primarily done with the hips. there may be some minimal arm movement and some pursing of the lips so as to appear seductive, but mostly it will be just a thrusting movement. sometimes these people will bring dates with them, and the dates will bend over with their hands on the floor, and the dancer will thrust into their back ends as if fucking them. some fuckers are good in bed and some aren't. you have to watch carefully and picture them naked. one indication that they might be good in bed is if they put one arm in the air and swing it around like they're riding a bucking bull.

 

 

3. the geek stomp

 

these people often wear glasses. i'm not sure why that is, but they are usually having a great time and their pants ride too high on their ankles. they have no facial hair and bad hair styles. they dance with two other people who came with them and nobody in the group thinks about sex too much, except when they are alone. the style of dance usually consists of putting the right foot out, then in. then the left foot out, and back in. this is done mostly on the beat, but sometimes not. occasionally there will be an awkward turn of the body, but they don't attempt this too often because it could cause them to fall. they fuck like that too, if they fuck at all.

 

4. the raver

 

this dance requires alcohol, speed, and drugs laced with heroin. occasionally psychoactive pharmaceuticals are used and coffee doesn't hurt either. the dance is hyper-kinetic with elaborate and complex arm and leg movement. there is spinning, jumping, half splits on the floor, kicks, irrational head jerking, and some of them like to dance with props. props can include glowing sticks, fans, balloons filled with nitrous oxide, weird objects that expand and contract like an animated cartoon molecule, and colorful plastic or spandex clothing. they will dance early and stay late. they will dance sometimes for two days straight. then, they will pass out. they can't fuck like they dance because they dance too much. but you can suck their dicks when they're sleeping. at least this works for me.

 

but as i've said before, most of you can't dance, and most of you shouldn't. i've learned my lesson. when i dance, i don't get laid, and that is because i dance like a gorilla on a hot plate. i prefer to stand by the side and have my sexual agility be a topic of mystery. a girl's gotta have a secret sometimes.

 

all fucking aside, my suggestion is to leave the dancing to the professionals.

 

some people aren't dancers.

 

some people aren't fuckers.

 

but then, of course, there is love.

 

 

(tune in next week for the continuing adventures of tom miller and his world of the irrelevant topics.)

 


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