Chapter 8
Miller and Log were escorted by the security guards to a gigantic white marble room. The ornate stained glass ceiling was an awe inspiring piece, hand made by a ninety year old woman named Stella Moscowitz who spent half her life piecing together the complex patterns that made this window the envy of all stained glass windows in the world.
Matheson Avenue had seated himself at the head of the long shiny oak table. In the center of the table was an octagonal one hundred gallon tank, and swimming in circles in the tank was the Mississippi Spiny Fish. The Long Menacing black tines were extended along the center of its back, and the beautiful bright neon blue, yellow, red, and green fins waved elegantly in the flow of the aerator.
"Tell me about this gem." said Matheson. "How much is it worth?"
"You'll get nothing out of us, you slimy land raping polluting lecherous animal abusing bastard!" said Ron sternly.
"Wait a minute," Matheson interjected, "I worked night and day from the time I was six years old to get what I have. My immigrant family had not a penny to eat with until I began my roadside lemonade service. I give seventy-five percent of my money to charities such as, Food for the Homeless, Research for Incurable Diseases, Save Our Planet, Help the Dolphins and the Whales and Other Animals, Minority Education, and countless more. My factory operates far and above the federal standards for waste and pollution making us America's number one contributor to the Green Space Program. I have been married faithfully for over twenty years to my beautiful wife, and my children work as missionaries in the Bowanian Jungle. In fact my wife happens to be a Ph.D. in Astronomy and is performing research to increase our natural resources and save the ozone layer, moonlighting on her job at Burger House. I attend church every Sunday and pray that all the evil in the world will one day come to an end, and I occasionally dress as a clown to entertain children who have to stay in the hospital, so don't you two dirty-ass mother-fuckers come into my house and take a big greasy shit on my accomplishments because you are too fucked up and retarded to read the titty-licking facts and treat me with just a tiny shit ball of Goddamn respect when I'm doing so much to wipe the ass of the world with my dirty fuck rag and bring it some corn pussy integrity, you dickless maggot licking butt fucking prick licking snorkos!"
Miller and Ron had no choice but to apologize for their misinformed remarks.
"Now that we have an understanding, tell me about the money. How much is the Gem of Life worth? Because if there's some money to be had, I say we rip that fucking fish open and tear out the gem, then have you two clots killed off, and then have my butler prepare me a money bath so I can toss and turn naked in crisp new hundred dollar bills. Praise God."
"Ah HA!" Miller exclaims, "You really are a twisted freak, aren't you."
"Eat my shit, monkey boy. I'll ream your ass with a sand paper baton if you don't come clean about that gem."
Suddenly, the glass ceiling shattered in with a deafening explosion. It was the Adventure Team office building. The cyclone winds of the engine stirred up the room to such an extent that it gave an opportunity for Miller and Log to jump from their seats and bash the guards with their handcuffed fists. They quickly broke away and ran for the door as the office landed.
"What the hell is this!" Shouted Avenue, "Get them GET THEM!"
The guards responded in chase, withdrawing their guns and preparing to fire. The Office door opened and silhouetted in the doorframe stood Frahn, with a gun in each of his hands.
"Get down!' he shouted triumphantly, and as Miller and Log dove for cover, Frahn began shooting with incredibly phenomenal inaccuracy. Shortly thereafter, both guns were out of bullets and as Frahn continued clicking on the empty chambers, the guards realized that every shot had somehow missed every possible target.
"Oh darn me." Frahn said as he turned his guns around, grips out, and offered them over to the guards, "It was just a thought." He was pulled from the office and handcuffed as the others were. They dragged him before Matheson Avenue who studied him dispassionately.
"You broke my very expensive roof, you bitch!" Matheson bellowed. He positioned himself uncomfortably close to Fragn's frightened face. "Maybe Frahn, you will tell me the secret of the gem if I ask properly, since you were so kind to share with me earlier. Maybe you will tell me... if I ask you properly. How much is the gem in my fish worth!" Matheson held a revolver to Fragn's head. "How much for the rock in the fish?"
"Don't tell him!" Shouted Miller.
"Tell him, and you're fired." said Ron.
"Don't worry," Fragn said confidentially, "You won't hear a word about ten million dollars, and there's no way in hell I'll tell you about the magical powers. And you can shoot me if you want to, but it will take more than your little popgun there to get me to say anything about the ten million or the magical powers. So fire away, pooty boy… oops."
Suddenly, the expensive marble wall to the West Side of the room exploded sending bits of debris flying through the room.
"What the hell..." Matheson shouted as he and the guards dove for cover.
"That's it!" shouted Frahn, "Run! This is our chance. Run for the office." And the Adventure Team bolted inside the building and shut and locked the door behind them. In the rubble of what was formerly the west wall stood Bob McGillicuty, President of the Rare Fish Society. He was armed with a semi-automatic machine gun and had his sights trained directly on Matheson Avenue.
"Nobody move!" He shouted aggressively. "Any of you move, and the millionaire gets it!" Matheson Avenue slowly raised his hands and indicated with subtle movements of his head for the guards to drop their weapons and do as the intruder suggests.
"Play smart, Matheson. I'm not here to kill you; I'm just here to save the fish. Move away from the fish."
"But it's my fish." Matheson complained. "I paid for it fair and square, and it's my house. You can't order me around in my own house."
"Oh, but I can." McGillicuty corrected, "Because I am issuing you a legal search warrant which permits me to be in your mansion, and a legal document stating that the Rare Fish Society, due to the rarity of the Mississippi Spiny Fish, is now the rightful owner of said fish. Any attempt to stop me from taking that fish out of the building will result in serious criminal charges to your person, so I say again, move away from the fish."
"You may have a permit for the fish," Matheson coyly sneered, "but you don't have a permit to take my fish tank. If you try to take the fish without the fish tank, the fish will suffocate and then you, sir, will be charged with criminal negligence. You don't even have a bag of water."
McGillicuty thought about that for a moment. "You may have a point there," he said, "but if you don't let me take the fish tank, knowing full well in advance that I must take the fish, and that your action in holding on to the fish tank would ultimately result in the death of the fish due to suffocation because I am required by law to take it, then again it would be you, sir, who would be charged with a crime. I have eyewitnesses right here in this room. Your own guards have heard you clearly. They heard you admit that if you didn't give me the fish tank, then the fish would die of suffocation, and you know I ethically, legally, and morally have to take the fish. I'm not leaving without the fish."
"Witnesses?" said Matheson as he began to laugh. "You've got nothing on me. I don't see any witnesses here. Let's ask my security guards to see what they saw." Turning to security guard number one, Matheson asked, "Security guard number one, did you hear anything about depriving a confiscated rare fish its fish tank?"
"No sir," number one replied, "I didn't hear a single word."
"Really? Fascinating. Number two? Did you hear me say anything? Anything at all having to do with keeping a fish from its tank?"
"No sir, "Number two replied, "I'm temporarily deaf from the explosion."
"I see." Matheson gave a sly glance to Bob as he continued his dialogue. "Number three, did you hear the faintest inkling of a comment I might have made moments ago to implicate me in the murder of a rare fish?"
"Yes sir. I sure did." said Dumb Ernie, the guard who bumped his head every day on his own knee. "Clear as day. You said if you didn't give him the tank, he'd end up with a dead fish." Matheson raised his pistol and shot number three in the neck. Dumb Ernie fell to the floor striking his head on his own knee.
"I guess he won't be making the trial!" said Matheson.
"My God, MURDER! You sick twisted fuck!" exclaimed Bob, "My God, you just killed a man in cold blood."
"I didn't see anything," said guard number one.
"Neither did I," said guard number two, "I'm deaf from the explosion
Matheson Avenue turned quickly and aimed his pistol directly into the face of Bob McGullicuty, and cocked the weapon. "It's you and me, kid. Who's the fastest gun in the West? You haven't got the guts to pull the trigger on that machine gun, do you. Let's see if you're willing to die for the life of a fish."
Suddenly, a thunderous explosion blew in the South wall in a spray of fragments and powder.
"Well, color me fucked!" screamed Matheson as he again dove for cover along with everyone else in the room. Standing in the disaster that was the south wall stood Harry Blackball, Sword-Through-The-Box Trick close by his side. Bob slowly got to his feet and starred at the looming shadow of darkness in disbelief.
"Bob McGillicuty," said the magician and pyrotechnics expert, "President of the Rare Fish Society! So good to see you with the one eye I have left, after you denied me the right to binocular vision! Now is the time for my satisfaction, sir. Prepare yourself for my famous Sword Trick. I got you now, fish man. I got you!" Slowly, the menace known as Harry Blackball moved in for the kill.