by tom miller

Things You Can Do - 1999

 

 

1. Bring helium balloons to an old folk’s home and tie them into everyone’s hair.

2. Pay for City Hall to close down a street for a parade you’re planning. On the day of the parade, walk down the street.

3. Go into the library and shout at the librarian, "I DON’T HEAR VERY WELL! WHERE DID YOU SAY THE HUSTLER MAGAZINES ARE?"

4. Kill a mosquito with a needle.

5. Pull the wings off of an Africanized honey bee and put it in a red ant pile. That’ll show that motherfucker!

6. Tell your boyfriend or girlfriend you’re from Mars, and then anally probe them with a kitchen utensil.

7. Try to get a cat and a snake to fuck each other.

8. Fondle a parrot, but don’t repeat yourself.

9. Pull a fish out of the water, and when it opens and closes its mouth for air, put a little chewing gum in there.

10. Fill a squirt gun with milk and shoot cows in the mouth with it.

11. Go into a church, and when everybody is silent for a moment of prayer, shout, "I DON’T HEAR SO WELL! WHERE DID YOU SAY THE HUSTLER MAGAZINES ARE?"

12. Go to a hospital and find the maternity ward. Switch out one of the babies for a porcupine.

13. Go to the most expensive restaurant in town and order the steak and lobster, to go. Eat your food in the patio of the Homeless Shelter. If any of the hungry homeless people ask for some, say, "Get away from me. Can’t you see I’m eating?"

14. Ride on the public bus system with a turkey neck hanging out of your pants.

15. Next time you’re out at a club, try the following pick-up lines and see which ones work the best:

· Feel like gerbiling?

· Anyone ever tell you you’re buttfucking ugly?

· So, what’s it gonna’ cost me to get you into bed?

· Nice tits. Where’d you buy ‘em?

· You’d love me. My dick is shaped like a starfish.