| rANDOM sHIT |
| ONCE.. ME, MY MOM, AND MY GRANDMA WENT TO VISIT MY BROTHER AND HIS WIFE, VAL. THEIR BABY WAS MAYBE 6 MONTHS OLD AT THE TIME. AND YOU HAVE TO KNOW, VAL IS THE SWEETEST, NICEST PERSON IN WORLD, SO IMAGINE OUR SURPRISE WHEN SHE WAS BOUNCING BABY CRIS ON HER KNEE, AND WHILE TALKING IN BABY TALK TO HIM, SHE BLURTED OUT, "YEA, DADDYS A FUCKER" WERE LIKE, " HUH?" ALL OF A SUDDEN THERE WAS JUST DEAD SILENCE. POOR VAL, SHE JUST WANTED TO DIE. THE REST IS A BLUR, ACTUALLY I FOUND IT PRETTY HILARIOUS. |
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| I remember once...I had this bright idea to put all the dumb ass stories people told, or I told or repeated, down on paper. Funny how they are forgotten over the years, or after they are down on paper, and you read them over they are not so hilarious as they were when you first heard them, or when they happened.. But..Too BAD...Im telling them anyways, just as I remember them..kinda, I hope. well...mostly. BAH I |
| i wONDER aBOUT: #1) my mom #2) Troy #3) WELL actually all my family Grandma, Jim and Nick, Sharon and Ron, Traci, Rhonda, Ronnie. Dad, Dorthy, Mike, and Sue. Tina David and Karen. Tom and Val, Cris and Erin. #4) Vernon #5) songs that I want played at my funeral.** |
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| Rhiana's first animation..awww..how cute huh? |
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| MY MOM WROTE, " UNTIL YOU GET YOURSELF AND YOUR LIFE STRAIGHENED OUT, I'M NOT GONNA BE THERE FOR YOU." MY MOM HAS'NT BEEN THERE FOR ME IN A VERY LONG TIME. SHOULD'NT I BE HAVING MY ANNUAL LIVING LIFE UP TO HER EXPECTATIONS INSPECTION SOON? BEFORE ONE OF US DIES? HMMMM |
| THINGS I WONDER ABOUT, (CONTINUED) #6) SHELL #7) CHARLIE BROWNIE #8) where will I be this time next year. #9) if Joe purposely does dumb things to piss me off #10) why my parents cant love me unconditionally #11) IF I HAVE ENOUGH GAS TO get from point A TO POINT B. #12) Lori #13) will I ever straighten up #14) why, at times, do men act like they dont know how to do even the simplest of things #15) Why no one else knows how to clean the toilet in my house? #16) Be #17) Aint it funny, how some folks you cant miss? And some folks you just miss a pile? An' the folks that you can't miss, you see lots,an' the others just once an' awhile? #18) where we are going to live next #19) my stuff in storage #569 #20) why we moved to Oregon |
| ** funeral songs 1.) Funeral for a friend (elton john) 2.) Loves lies Bleeding (elton john) 3.) in my life (the beatles) 4.) I wanna hold your hand (the beatles) 5.) Winds of change (the scorpions) 6.) Country Roads (john denver) 7.) I'm So Tired (the beatles) |
| IT'S UNWISE TO IGNORE LIFES BASIC TRUTHS Pick a day, any day. Pick a newspaper, any paper. Lawsuits, racism, scandal, drugs, crime divirce, abortion, incompetence, greed, irresponsibility come natural to us. Public officials seek remedies for ills we seem helpless to prevent. We pile laws upon laws seeking salvation by legislation. The 10 laws Moses brought down from the mountain are to simple to be significant. -Why is there crime? People choose to meet their own needs at the expence of others.-Why is there war? Nations choose to meet their own needs. -Why is there divorce? Husbands and wives forsake each others interest in pursuit of their own. -Why is there child abuse, lying, cheating,greed, laziness, drug abuse? The answer is the same - ;Me First: you... whenever. Like undisiplined children, we whine, complain, and demand. So how do we make self centered whiners into self disiplined adults? More government programs? More regulations? Communism? What if as a last resort, we go to the back of the bookshelf? Space ship Earth came with a book if instructions. Instruction # 1-it says we should not be so slothful in business, infact it says, he who does not work-let him not eat. #2 It says women should wear modest clothing. #3 Dont steal anything-anything! #4 Dont get drunk-period. #5 It says you only sleep with your own wife. #6 It says you dont do what you want, you do what you ought- it specifies which is which.we can ignore or deny that book , we can challenge it, revile in it, rewrite it, or reject it... But when we have done our worst, it will still be there waiting for us, haunting us. calling to us Behave or be Damned; Believe and be saved. |
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| Why the hell cant I find a pen or pencil when I need one? |
| TODAY, I''LL REMEMBER THAT I LEARN AND GROW MORE FROM THE HARDER, NOT THE EASIER LESSONS IN LIFE |
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| fAIRIES? |
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| I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only some vegetables and a Breville Toaster. |
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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station. Can atheists get insurance for acts of God ? I do not have a solution, but I admire your problem. If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a foghorn made out of ? If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead" ? Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks ? What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men ? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together ? Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you do not have ? Does the reverse side also have a reverse side ? If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into ? Why is a carrot more orange than an orange ? Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor ? Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it ! How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him ? Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons ? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase ? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle ? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard ? Atheism is a non-prophet organisation. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes ? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation ? Is there another word for synonym ? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice" ? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all" ? What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant ? Would a fly without wings be called a walk ? Why do they lock petrol station bathrooms ? Are they afraid someone will clean them ? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked ? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains ? If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent ? Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines ? How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign ? |
| Memo to the Director:
> > Subject: Letter of Recommendation > > > > Jane S., a chief sub editor and editor, can always be found > > hard at work in her cubicle. Jane works independently, without > > wasting company time talking to colleagues. She never > > thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and she always > > finishes given assignments on time. Often Jane takes extended > > measures to complete her work, sometimes skipping > > coffee breaks. She is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no > > vanity in spite of her high accomplishments and profound > > knowledge in her field. I firmly believe that Jane can be > > classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be > > dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Jane be > > promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be > > sent away as soon as possible. > > > > Project Leader > > > > ----------------------------------------------------------------- > > (Later that afternoon another memo was sent...) > > > > Memo to the Director: > > Subject: Letter of Recommendation > > > > Sorry about the earlier memo. > > Jane was looking over my shoulder as I wrote it. > > Kindly read every other line (i.e. 1, 3, 5, 7...) for my true > > assessment of her. > > > > Regards, > > Project Leader |