mystory

My story

My name is Mandi. I'm 26 years old, an identical twin, an ameture photographer, a published writer, an animal lover, a music lover, and a free thinker. I suffer from anxiety disorder (panic disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, obsessive/compulsive disorder, social phobia, major depression disorder...each in varying amounts). This is nothing new. I've had problems with depression and anxiety since i can remember but i've only been in treatment for the past couple years. It's amazing what a difference a couple little pills can make. Don't get me wrong, i'm not advocating chemical happiness. If you can control your illness without chemical assistance then I'm happy for you. I don't take the medicine to make my illness go away, i take it as a tool to help make the illness more controlable. Mental illness is a disease the same as many others and, like many others, can be controlled without medication in many cases. Mine is not one of those cases. For many years I did battle with myself, trying to control the beast that is anxiety. I was captive to it. My life revolved around avoiding people and anxious situations, around running. Here i was, young and educated, working for minimum wage and hiding from the life i knew i could have. A good friend convinced me to see a doctor one day and he gave me some little pills and instructions to be patient. Within a couple weeks I found i was able to control my anxiety a little better, to handle situations that would have caused a panic attack just weeks before. After many long hours of psychotherapy and the occasional setback, I can now start a conversation with a total stranger and make it through a job interview without shaking. I'm not cured. Just like other chronic illnesses, I will always have to regulate it. Having a mental illness is not the end of the world but knowing it can be controlled is definately the start of a new one.

Miss Emma Jean
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Maxwell Edison, Esq.
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These are my children. Miss EmmaJean is a 6 year old Great Green Iguana. Maxwell is a 4 year old mutt, mixed Husky, Shelty, and Australian Shepard. He was a gift from my mom. I was staying with her during some hard times and one day we started talking about dogs, specifically the perfect dog. I told her what i wanted in a dog and, a couple weeks later, she brought him home. He was 3 months old and nothing but fuzz, and I was smitten. She had picked him up from an Amish farm for $5 but he was worth a fortune to me. We bonded in a heartbeat. I adored his playful nature and his bright eyes and he thought i made the world spin. I've always loved animals, always had several around, but Max was special. He was mine and I was his. He followed me like a shadow, giving new meaning to the phrase "puppy love". Even now he's laying on my feet, waiting for his turn for attention. He's been there for me through 4 boyfriends, 2 moves, and countless struggles. There were many days when he was my only reason to face the world. Life without him would be empty indeed.
Emma is my beautiful girl. She was about 2 years old when she came to me from a rescue organization. She had been severly neglected, was underweight, and had an ugly fungus on her back just above her tail. I had to wear leather gloves to handle her. It took 6 months and infinite patience to earn her trust, but earn it I did. I can hold her now while I watch TV, carry her around like a baby, and cuddle her when she's upset. She still has emotional scars and throws the occasional temper tantrum, but she's entitled. She's been through alot. Max and Emma are friends, often giving one another "kisses" and just hanging out together. They like to share my lap, one hand petting each of them. I've made a conscious decision to wait to have "human children" until my mental illness in under better control and my financial situation is stable. It's hard enough for me to handle my illness, I never want to have to put that burden on my children. So I wait, even though I would love to start a family. I've even made a promise to myself to avoid amourous relationships for now. Mental illness can be disasterous to a relationship, as I've seen firsthand, and I don't want to put anyone I love through that again. I've made the decision to focus on getting better and enjoying today's beauty without worrying about what tomorrow might bring. Face it.....tomorrow just might not come.

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anxiety/panic disorder

Anxiety Disorders Association of America

links:

National Institute For Mental Health

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