YOU ASKED FOR IT AND NOW IT'S HERE.....MMMWWAAAAHHHHAAA PAGE THREE!!
Subject: letter of the alphabet
If the letters of the alphabet ...
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
are represented as numbers ...
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then, K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
However,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.
And, look how far ass kissing will take you ...
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
~ she called me to get my phone number.
~she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said"concentrate."
~ she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
~ she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
~ she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
~ she tried to drown a fish.
~ she thought a quarterback was a refund.
~ she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
~she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
~she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
~she studied for a blood test.
~she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
~ when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
~ when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
~when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
A loud pounding on the door awakens a man and his wife at 3 o'clock in
the morning. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken
stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a
push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is three in
the morning, and it is pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?"
"I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of your self!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still
there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)
cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)
polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)
HAVING A BAD DAY? READ ON...
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward
where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about
11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had
something to do with the supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery...
as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.
So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to
investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes
before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see
for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were
holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off
the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, The part-time Sunday
sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he
could use the vacuum cleaner.
----- Still Having a Bad Day?
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill
in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively
saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
----- Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically,
almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
----- YOURS IS STILL A BAD DAY, HUH?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs
to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.
---- WHAT ? STILL THINK YOUR DAY IS BAD?
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on
a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
---- THERE NOW, FEELING BETTER?
A hillbilly got married , and on his wedding night he calls his
father for advice on what to do since he had never been intimate
with a woman before. "We're in the bedroom, Pa. What do we do
now?"
Thinking that nature will take its course, the father
replied, "Take her clothes off and then you both get in bed."
The hillbilly calls his dad 5 minutes later and says, "She's
nekkid and we're in bed. What do I do now?
Knowing his son wasn't the brightest crayon in the box, his dad
asked, Did you take your clothes off, too?
No," the son replies.
"Well, take your clothes off and get back in bed with her."
The son calls back a few minutes later and says, "We're both
nekkid and in bed. What do I do now?"
The father's patience is quickly running out, and he
growls, "Look, son, do I have to spell everything out? Just stick
the hardest thing on your body where she pees!"
The son calls again a minute later. "Ok, Pa. I've got my head in
the toilet bowl. Now what?"
Beer Drinking Troubleshooting Tips
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar.
TOP TEN BARTENDER PEEVES
1. People who bang bottles or ashtrays to get your attention.
2. Telling you how to make a drink.
3. Ordering one drink at a time when you are in a party.
4. Customers who ask you what you do for a living.
5. Customers snapping fingers or whistling to get your attention.
6. Lousy tippers.
7. Regulars who think they own the bar.
8. Customers who give you advice.
9. Customers who hit on you.
10. People who get mad when you check their ID.
KITCHEN SIGNS
Clean enough to be healthy but dirty enough to be happy
Kitchen closed - - this chick has had it!
Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
So this isn't Home Sweet Home Adjust!
Ring Bell for Maid Service. If no answer do it yourself!
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day!
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
~~ I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener! ~~
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out
If you don't like my standards of cooking. Lower your standards.
Apology--My house doesn't always look like this Some days it's even worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
A balanced diet is dark chocolate in one hand and white chocolate in the other.
If you can laugh at yourself, you will always be amused.
Help keep the kitchen clean EAT OUT
Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
Shopping forever Housework, never!
Remember only dull women have immaculate houses.
WHAT TO TELL TELEMARKETERS
10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the h-l she could know you from.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends ....would you be my friend?"
6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Say good bye - and Hang up.
2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
1. And first and foremost: Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
Read this sentence: FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE- SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF- IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS. Now count aloud the ' F' s in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE; do not go back and count them again. Then see below... Answer below ...
ANSWER:
There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds
three of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you
got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six,
you are a genius. There is no catch. Many people forget the OFs. The
human brain tends to see them as "V's" instead of "F's".
It took the NSW Division of Motor Vehicles 6 months to figure out and revoke this personalized license plate:
3M TA3
Can you tell why?
It spells out Eat Me in someone's rear view mirror.
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class. "In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."
The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:
"Regret can not remember which one is you ... please keep your photo and return the others."
Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations 10.10.95:
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision
Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No, I say again divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW.
Canadians: This is a little lighthouse. Your call.
This was the transcript of a radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
A poor Jamaican fisherman was shipwrecked on a desert island. He had lost his boat, his livelihood and possessions. He was trudging round the island in a dejected mood when he came across an old brass lamp washed up on the beach. Remembering the tale of Aladdin and the magic lamp he rubbed it........... POOF!
A Genie appeared. A Jewish Genie. "Vey!" he said. "Am I glad to be outta there. Three hundred years I bin in that thing, my life and soul! What can I do for you my boy?"
The Jamaican asked if the Genie granted wishes. "Wishes, Schmishes! Course I do. I'll grant you two wishes, used to be three but I gotta think about my margins"
"Well," said the Jamaican after some consideration "I'd like to be white and surrounded by women."
"No problem" said the Genie,...... POOF! - the Jamaican was transformed into a tampon.
Moral: Never do business with a Jewish Genie - there's always a string
attached.
