COMPUTERS SUCK ANUS!
This is a dedication to my shit computer and all the computers at the port lincoln high school that suck (anus)... my computer really...really..slow and has 7 errors that happen every time you turn it on (in which my computer barks at you {havn't worked out how to turn that off yet arg!}) so toady i have dicided to take my frustrations out on my site..:)
You must be Internet Geek if:
You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they
have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.
Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from
apogee.
You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-
mail on the way back to bed.
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
You actually try that 123.elm.street address.
Beta.
--------
Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released.
Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
Computer.
----------
Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by
Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow
Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his
invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April
8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format"
error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's
death, and Duffy began working for IBM.
CPU.
----
Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine.
It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning
wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is
a old machine, a ferret if it's a Pentium and a ferret on speed if
it's a Pentium II.
Default Directory.
------------------
Black hole. Default directory is where all files
that you need disappear to.
Error message.
---------------
Terse, baffling remark used by programmers
to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.
File.
-----
A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name.
It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet -
except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an
electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.
Hardware.
--------
Collective term for any computer-related object that can
be kicked or battered.
Help.
-----
What we all need. Actually, it is the feature that assists in
generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly,
users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up
where they started from without learning anything.
Input/Output.
-----------
Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible
data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.
Interim Release.
----------------
A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.
Memory.
-----------
Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety,
and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.
Printer.
-----------
A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main
parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Programmers.
-----------
Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high
school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons
and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires
who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever
gave them noogies.
Reference Manual.
-----------------
Object that raises the monitor to eye level.
Also used to compensate for that short table leg.
Scheduled Release Date.
----------------------
A carefully calculated date determined by
estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting
six months from it.
User-Friendly.
--------------
Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept
that makes perfect sense to a programmer.
Users.
-------
Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.
Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.
- Novice Users. People who are afraid that simply pressing a key
might break their computer.
- Intermediate Users. People who don't know how to fix their
computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
- Expert Users. People who break other people's computers.
A helicopter pilot is flying to Seattle, and hits a pea-soup-thick fogbank.
He's completely disoriented, and flies blindly around until he spies the top
few floors of an office building. He pulls up real close to it, and gets the
attention of a woman sitting at her desk.
"Excuse me!" he yells. "Where am I?"
"You're in a helicopter," she replies.
The pilot pulls off sharply to the left, double-checks his compass, takes one or two crisp turns through the dense fog, and then does a perfect landing at
the Seattle Airport.
"That was amazing!" says a passenger. "How did you know from her answer where you were?"
"Easy," says the pilot. "Her answer, while correct, was absolutely useless. So I knew I was at Microsoft Tech Support."
Email Facts Of Life
1. Big companies don't do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not
giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is
no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax; there
is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true". Furthermore, just
because someone said in the message, four generations back, that "we
checked it out and it's legit", does not actually make it true.
2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up
in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened
to their cousin. If you are hellbent on believing the kidney-theft ring
stories, please see: http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm
And I quote: "The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests
for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories.
None have." That's "none" as in "zero". Not even your friend's cousin.
3. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if
they do, we all have it. And even if you don't, you can get a copy at:
http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html Then, if you make the recipe,
decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on.
4. We all know all 500 ways to drive your roommates crazy, irritate
co-workers and creep out people on an elevator. We also know exactly
how many engineers, college students, Usenet posters and people from
each and every world ethnicity it takes to change a lightbulb.
5. Even if the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium
that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think
this information would reach the public via an AOL chain-letter?
6. There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you should never, ever,
ever forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first
confirm it at an actual site of an actual company that actually deals
with virii. Try: http://www.norton.com . And even then, don't forward
it. We don't care.
7. If your CC: list is regularly longer than the actual content of
your message, you're probably going to Hell.
8. If you're using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write email, turn off
the "HTML encoding." Those of us on Unix shells can't read it, and don't
care enough to save the attachment and then view it with a web browser,
since you're probably forwarding us a copy of the Neiman Marcus Cookie
Recipe anyway.
9. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message
from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of
headers showing everyone else who's received it over the last 6 months.
It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the ">" that begin each line.
Besides, if it has gone around that many times, I've probably already seen
it.
10. Craig Shergold in England is not dying of cancer or anything else at
this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business cards.
He apparently is also no longer a "little boy" either.
Endless Loop
From the Programming and Computer-terms dictionary:
Endless Loop -- see Loop, Endless.
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech
asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded,
"No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
An E-Mail to the Wrong Wife.
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife, whose even older husband had died only the day before!
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
going home? click here!