"I'll let you figure this one out"

(See Above)

The suspense is just killing ya, isn't it?

Well, it was killing me, too…..til I watched the damn thing.

I'll put it this way….(and then you can decide if you want to

read the rest of this review).

A few years back, UNIVERSAL decided to drag out it's 'movie monsters' and remake them with with bigger budgets, improved f/x, and high profile casting.

This list included:

"Frankenstein"……and it sucked.

"Bram Stoker's Dracula"….and it sucked, too.

"Wolf"…..and it sucked, three.

Well, now it was time for the 'gauz bandaged, dead dude' to get a shot at it. But instead of him just standing there (or walking VERY slowly), and then hypnotizing him victims, this time he had an $80 million budget!

And normally that would be dandy, especially for a horror flick. But that's the problem….ya see, I WISH they would have used that budget on a HORROR flick.

Even a fraction of it.

But, no. Apparently they decided that our Mummy wasn't frightening enough for that large amount….but perhaps FUNNY.

However, if his parents are ILM and bring in a somewhat known cast and director…..who knows????

Well, the rad flags were there…I just didn't notice them (they were covered in bandages.)

That's right, I didn't realize that "George of the Jungle" and the director of the live action "Jungle Book" and "Deep Rising", Stephen Sommers, were both involved.

(correlation, or just me?)

Anyhow, as usual, I will jump to the bandage shell of this flick, but remember, I am not good with names, so there is no way I am going to remember the 4 sylable names of those ancient bastards.

Now for the story.

THE END.

Okay, you're right….there were credits……

Have you figured the flick out yet?

That's right….."THE MUMMY"

Now, here's the story and here's why it sucked…..

An ancient dude hangs out with the Pharoh's woman and then kills the Pharoh. That's bad.

So the ancient dude gets mummied and bugged to death.

3000 years later (yes, it was a long movie), Frasier, his love interest and several scrubs go back to the desert where ancient dude bought the farm, and they're looking for a rare, golden, priceless book that Barnes & Nobles doesn't carry.

While there, some morons find and open the Necronomican (which the ancient dude DOES carry), they wake A.D. up before his beauty sleep…..and now he's pissed….and he's got CGI acne to prove it!

This is the point where I have to chill because I wouldn't want to give anything away about this highly original piece of art….(except for ripping off "Raiders", "Evil Dead", "The Frighteners", "ID4", and Kurt Russell).

I CAN say that the first 1,000 years (45 minutes) was long, boring and tedious. The second 1,000/45 was decent with F/X and humor. But the last was unoriginal, predictable, dreadful crap. However, I must give Universal credit for putting the credits at the end.


D

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