My testimony is not about how I came to Christ, but about how God required me to grow up in my faith while going through a time in my life where I could haven completely given up on Him all together. It’s also about being obedient to Christ and trusting Him completely with my life. In fact, I’m here right now out of obedience because I am an extreme introvert. Many of you may have seen me around MOPS before, but really don’t know who I am. I’m the type who hides in the back and likes to go by unnoticed! So if I start talking too fast or if I shed a few tears, please bear with me.
I grew up in a Christian household and accepted Jesus as my personal Savior when I was 7 years old. As a young girl, I was always close to God until my parents got divorced when I was 16 and shortly after that, I became pregnant with my first child. Two months after my first daughter was born, I married her father. We had a very rocky marriage and it ended in divorce when I was just 19 years old. I spent the next couple of years feeling the guilt and the shame of being a teenage mother as well as a divorced woman - 2 titles I had never imagined that I could bear. Thankfully, God continued to call out my name and eventually, I rededicated myself to Him as I grabbed a hold of His perfect forgiveness.
One Sunday morning, God called me to go to church, a place where I had not been for some time, and there I met a wonderful man who would soon become my husband. Frank was a single dad, so it was really nice to not only have someone I loved, but also someone who I could relate to. We both brought a child into the family and during our first year of marriage, we had a daughter together. At the time, both my husband and I still struggled in our faith. We had no idea what it meant to truly give our lives over to God. And it didn’t help that we both brought baggage from our previous marriages into our own marriage and honestly, I came to a point where I was just about ready to give up on Frank and our marriage. In that time, God spoke to my heart and I decided I would not give up so easily on my marriage this time around. Frank and I talked it out, extended forgiveness and allowed God to work in those wee hours of the night in late October of 2001.
That very night, God clearly told me that He wanted to give me a son. I remember thinking how strange it was that God would choose such a time to tell me something like this, but at the same time felt really excited about it. Both Frank and I weren’t sure that we wanted to have anymore children, but that night, something changed in me and I wanted so desperately to have what God wanted to give to me. The following May, we found out the wonderful news that we were expecting another baby. In my heart, I knew it would be the son God had promised me. Little did we know that we were about to receive some very bad news.
At my 18-week ultrasound, we found out that there was something seriously wrong with our baby- He had some very rare birth defects. He had something that blocked is ability to urinate and fluid was building up in his abdomen because of it. There was also very little amniotic fluid surrounding him and without that fluid, his development would be hindered. His lungs would not grow. The doctor told us that our baby had a zero percent chance of surviving outside of the womb and that it was very likely I would miscarry him in the next few weeks. The doctor offered to terminate the pregnancy for us, but there was no way I could allow myself to take matters into my own hands, that was up to God. Both Frank and I went home in a state of shock and wondering why God would allow such a thing to happen to our child - a child that was deeply wanted and loved.
It was hard to trust God in that moment. I felt so angry and betrayed that God would allow the loss of a child into my life. Especially since He knew that this kind of loss was so devastating to me, I thought it was one of those things that I “could not handle” in my life. After all, I had heard and read the verse many times that says God will not allow us to be tempted more than we can bear in 1 Corinthians 10:13. So didn’t that mean that since I told God I couldn’t handle losing a baby that He would never allow such a thing to happen in my life? I came to realize that that verse is often miss-quoted and taken out of context and according to Philippians 4:13, “I can do EVERYTHING through Him who gives me strength.” From that moment on, I allowed God to carry me and to lead me every step of the way as I watched the miracles, the sorrow, and the joy of my son’s life.
Surprising the doctors, my pregnancy continued. And although news seemed to get worse at every ultrasound about the development of our baby, he continued to grow. We finally decided to name our son, Isaac because we, like Abraham, wanted to give our son completely to God. Isaac did not belong to us. He belonged fully to God. I wanted to have a faith like Abraham did so many years ago when he showed God that he would follow Him no matter what God asked of him. Abraham didn’t just say it either - he did it. He lived it! God was calling me to have a faith like that. A faith that people could not only hear but one they could actually see. It didn’t matter how many weeks I would have to carry a dying baby in my womb or how many aches and pains I would have during the pregnancy, every single minute with my baby boy was a precious gift to me. And though we prayed for healing, my only prayer for myself was that God would just give me a chance to hold Isaac while he was alive. I wanted to be able to look into his eyes so that he would know how much I loved him.
Finally, for a change, some good news came. I started to feel Isaac move a lot –something he should not have been able to do since there was so little amniotic fluid surrounding him. At 33 weeks, I had another ultrasound and the news was amazing. For the first time, there was some hope for Isaac. God showed His hand of healing as we found that Isaac’s kidneys were actually processing now and that he was able to urinate. His amniotic fluid levels went way up and it looked like he might have some lungs. We scheduled to go in to check his lung development to see if he might have a chance at life after all. And if in fact Isaac did have a chance, then our birth plan would need to be changed since we had previously decided not to intervene medically once he was born.
We never made it to that next appointment. Two weeks after the positive ultrasound, my water broke. I kept telling Frank it was too early for Isaac to be born – he wasn’t strong enough yet. I was so frightened and yet so excited that the time had finally come to meet my son. We had no idea what to expect in the hours to come. We had no idea how God was going to move.
After a few hours of labor and a procedure that involved draining amniotic fluid from Isaac’s abdomen, Isaac was born weighing 3 1/2 pounds and measuring 15 inches long. I didn’t get to hold him at first since they had to put him on the ventilator and rush him to the Intensive Care Unit, but I saw him, alive! Looking at me with his beautiful eyes! He even tried to cry, which meant he had some lungs –something that should not have been possible!
I didn’t get to see Isaac again until 5 hours later. My arms ached to hold him. Everything felt so wrong without my baby lying next to me in that cold hospital bed. I wanted so desperately to be able to feed him and to stare at him all night long like all mothers do when they give birth to a new baby. It felt so unfair and so unreal. Nothing made sense to me. The doctors said he would never live and yet here he was fighting. Only God could have made it happen and although I had never doubted that God could move in Isaac’s life, I was so awestruck that God actually cared enough about my baby boy to intervene and show His miracles!
When we were finally able to see Isaac again, I just stared at him and cried. He looked so small and so fragile. All kinds of machines were attached to him and I felt so helpless. He held onto my fingers with his tiny little hand and I knew that was his way of telling us that he would fight for his life until the very end. It didn’t matter that he had some major hurdles to jump over. Isaac was not going to give up so easily.
The next 24 hours were the most critical. If Isaac’s lungs weren’t big enough to support him, then he wouldn’t make it, even with the vent helping him breath. But to everyone’s surprise, small lungs showed up on Isaac’s x-ray – they were 1/2 the size they should have been but apparently they were big enough to support him!!! Only God could have made those lungs grow and though every single doctor was baffled and didn’t know how his lungs could have grown at all, we knew who was in control. Isaac would have to continue to be on the ventilator for an indefinite amount of time though. His rare condition, called Prune Belly Syndrome, did not allow the muscle to grow in his abdomen or his chest. It would be a long road until Isaac would have enough strength in his chest muscles before he would have the ability to breath on his own.
The doctors also found that Isaac could urinate on his own and that he did not have a blockage at all. He had all the signs off a blockage before, but it was gone now. His kidneys were also working perfectly – again, something that should not have been possible. Fluid continued to build up in Isaac’s abdomen that to this day, the doctors don’t know what was causing it. They had to drain it frequently so Isaac wouldn’t get too uncomfortable, but for the most part, it didn’t bother Isaac at all. His belly would get really big, and it would shock most of you to have seen it. But I grew to love that belly. It was Isaac and he looked perfect to me no matter what was wrong with him physically.
Finally the day came two weeks after Isaac was born for me to hold him. My original prayer of wanting to hold Isaac while he was alive was finally granted. It was very emotional and every day prior was pure torture on me to only be able to look and touch Isaac and not to be able to snuggle up with him. God was there that day. Not only could I feel the warmth of my only baby boy in my arms, but I could sense God holding us as well.
That same night, Isaac was moved to Children’s Hospital. The doctors found a narrowing in Isaac’s heart that needed to be operated on. So we spent Christmas Eve morning waiting while Isaac was operated on for the first time. It was so scary and yet both Frank and I knew God was in control no matter what happened that day.
The surgery went well and Isaac got to a point where the only thing he needed to be hooked up to was the ventilator. He was even able to take some milk in through a feeding tube rather than receive all his food through and IV. The doctors were optimistic that we would bring him home one day.
God is so good. God not only showed me but so many others as well that He is bigger than medical statistics. God was in every aspect of Isaac’s life. He gave Isaac the strength and ability to overcome all the odds. Isaac inspired so many. So many have told me how God used Isaac’s life to strengthen their faith. So many doubted God would work at all. And so many were brought to their knees. Was God in control? I think so….
And God continued to work even when Isaac took a turn for the worse. He developed another narrowing in his heart. They tried fixing it without surgery but that didn’t work. Isaac would most likely need to have open-heart surgery to fix it. We were scared. It was a very risky operation, but the heart doctor told us that Isaac had an unusually strong heart for someone his size. The surgery seemed to take forever. We had family and friends waiting with us. When the doctor finally came out to tell us that Isaac did well and that they were able to go in through his side rather than open his chest up, we all cried. And we all prayed and praised God in that waiting room. What a sight we were, but none of us cared. God once again, answered our prayers.
Isaac seemed to be recovering well right after the surgery. But a few days after, he developed a blood infection that put him in septic shock as it attacked every organ in his body. Because of it, his kidneys stopped functioning. He started retaining fluid all over his body, even in his lungs. The vent settings were so high, that it could burst his lungs at any moment. He was leaking fluid from his abdomen because the poke from draining it would not close. One of his IV’s fell out and they couldn’t get a new IV into him. His eyelids got so swollen that eventually, he couldn’t even open them anymore and that’s when I knew that it was his time to go. I couldn’t watch him suffer any longer. We told him he could go… we didn’t need him to stay for our sake. I wanted him to know that we would be ok without him because one day we would meet again. I looked at Isaac one more time before we had to go home to our other kids that afternoon. My heart was so heavy for him because it was one of the only times Isaac didn’t open his eyes right before I left him.
The doctor called us early that night letting us know things were not going well, that we should come back. It was unlikely Isaac would make it through the night. My sister was there with Isaac when we got to the hospital and she decided to stay with us all night because she knew this was her last time with him. We stayed by Isaac’s bedside holding his little hand and snuggling up to his face. He never responded to anything we said or did which was unusual for him. We prayed and listened to worship music all night. I got so tired that I just had to go up to our hospital room and lay down. I needed a break both mentally and physically.
How I was able to sleep even for an hour that night, I’ll never know. God must have known the strength I was going to need to make the decision I needed to make. Frank called my room waking me up and told me Isaac kept getting worse – I needed to come down to him. His blood pressure kept dropping and it was so low that at any point he could go into cardiac arrest. His body was trying to die. We had a decision to make and ultimately, Frank left it up to me knowing I would carry the burden far more heavily than he would in the end.
When I went downstairs to Isaac’s room, it took every ounce of me not to grab him off the table and just hold him. I did not want to see him die all alone laying on a little warming table, yet I didn’t want to take his support away either and feel like I was the one killing him. How could any mother make this decision and why did it have to be me? I couldn’t understand and it didn’t help that I felt like God wasn’t giving me any answers. My emotions were running so high, I left Isaac’s room to the bathroom to be alone with God begging and pleading with Him to please just audibly tell me what I need to do and I’ll do it. I felt like a demanding child telling God how to do His job. I finally gave the burden over to Christ and told him that no matter what He wanted, I would do it. I would not make this decision without it being in His will. Whatever that may be. Even if it meant I couldn’t hold Isaac just one more time before God took Him home. I cried out to God, “Lord, You know what is going to make me know what I’m supposed to. Only you can know how to get my attention.” And that’s when a peace filled me and I was able to pull myself together and leave that bathroom and go back to my son.
Every time you go into the Intensive Care Unit, you are required to wash your hands and after I did that, I had a feeling that I should open the blanket cupboard above the sink. See, there was a very special blanket that my step-mom had made for Isaac. It was just an ordinary blanket made of cotton something my step-mom makes for each woman in our church who has a baby. I decided when Isaac was doing well that I wanted to bring it to him so he could lay on it in his crib rather than have the smelly hospital blankets underneath him. One night, the nurse accidentally threw that blanket into the hospital laundry. The blanket ended up being lost for weeks and I searched every single day for that blanket. I had an urgency to find that blanket. The blanket shouldn’t have mattered to me at all since I had so many of them, but it did matter for some reason. And when Isaac got really sick in the end, I told Frank that I just had to have that blanket because I wanted Isaac to be buried with it. No other blanket would do, it HAD to be that one. I had looked that day already and I checked every day before I left the hospital, but something made me want to look again that night.
I opened that cupboard and when I didn’t see the blanket, I was relieved!!! And then I said to God, “ok, if that blanket is in the other closet, then I’ll know what to do.” Fear hit me then. What did I just say? I walked down the hall and opened the closet. I looked to the top first and worked my way down. Everything was nicely folded, clean and fresh smelling, like they had just restocked it. And guess what? There that blanket was crumpled up right at my eye level. It was the only blanket out of place and the first thing I said was, “NO! I can’t do it. I won’t.” I grabbed the blanket and practically ran to the room. I told Frank everything and told him I just couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t. I cried and argued with God for the next 30 minutes until finally I knew what needed to be done. I told the nurse to call the doctor in – we were going to take Isaac off the machines. Isaac needed to be held and loved before he went to be with Jesus. I needed him to know that I was going to listen to God and do what was right. I could not watch him suffer any longer and although I was nervous, I felt a peace that could have only come from God. I knew it was right and it was time to say goodbye.
The nurses handed Isaac to me and while in my arms they took his vent out. He didn’t even move. He didn’t even try to take a breath. My greatest fear was that he would look at me and wonder why I wasn’t helping him, but that never happened. I cuddled with him for a couple of minutes and than passed him over to Frank. And that’s when he died. Frank said that he looked at Isaac, looked away and then looked back and he knew Isaac had left in that moment. There was no struggle like I had worried about. It was a peaceful way to go and every single one of us who was in that room with Isaac knew that God had visited early that morning to cradle Isaac into heaven. God healed Isaac that day. There would be no more pain. No more fluid building up. No more heart surgeries. Isaac was made whole and perfect in God’s presence and because I was obedient, I still to this day know I made the right choice. I have no regrets. I would not change anything about those days I had with my little boy because I know that God’s will was done.
This experience with Isaac has changed my life. It has a brought a true faith into my life. Not just a faith that God exists, but a faith that God is always in control – in the good times and the bad. I learned that God always has my best interest at heart - Even through the most difficult of times. And though I may not always understand why God allows certain things to happen, I trust that He knows what He’s doing and His plan is much bigger than anything I could ever imagine. I’ve learned that to give God control over my life means that I actually have to live out my faith. I can’t just say I have faith.
I am still learning though. For some reason I thought that since I’ve struggled in life enough that God wouldn’t make me go through any more tough situations after losing Isaac. Boy was I ever wrong! I almost lost my last little girl due to pregnancy complications but thankfully God intervened in just a way that she could be saved. God again showed His glory even though I had to endure 17 very hard weeks of bed rest to keep my little girl inside long enough for her to grow strong. God does not spare us hardships just because we are Christians. In fact, He uses them to not only teach us but to draw us closer to Him. I have learned to be committed to Him every single moment of my life, no matter what arises – and things will happen that will make me want to give up. Every day, I need to strengthen my faith so that I truly understand that there is nothing that is too much for me to handle in life with God by my side.
I know that some of you here are thinking that if you had to go through something similar that you’re not sure you would be able to cling onto your faith the way that I did – that you would not be able to fully trust God in such a difficult time. But my guess would be that if you have a relationship with Christ, you would be able to rely on His strength to get through it. God gives you the strength that you need. God gives you the comfort that you need. God provides you with everything you need if you just call to Him. I am not a saint. Far from it. I am a sinner who needs to be forgiven just like you. In God’s eyes we are the same. And if I can learn how to fully trust God in such a devastating time, I know that you can too.
