Joel was looking for a little peace. On tour it was a tough thing to find, as anywhere you turned there were either your bandmates staring you in the face or it was a fan trying to get your attention. He often walked off late at night just for some solitude. The lonely beasts that stalked the night usually, and thankfully, weren�t GC fans. But it was 1 pm, and nighttime seemed years away, and he could feel the bubble of apprehension and tension rising up from his gut into his chest, locking behind his collarbone in an attempt to escape as a blood-curdling scream.
Benji could see the panic in his eyes.
�You alright, Joel?� he asked quietly, making sure no one else heard him.
�No,� he replied just as softly. �I�m freaking out, man.�
Benji looked around the hotel room. Press, techs, Billy and Paul ... a constant flurry of activity. �Just go outside and get some air.�
�Some air isn�t gonna do it.� His fists were balled at his sides in anticipation of a full-on panic attack.
�Just go, dude,� Benji sighed. �Go take a walk. I can handle press. I�ll tell them you�re hung over.�
�Up my street cred?� he chuckled weakly.
�Yeah, sure.�
��Kay. Thanks, Benj.� He gave his brother a quick hug and then touched both Billy and Paul on their shoulders on his way out the door. They knew what it meant and they both nodded at him in understanding.
Out on the sidewalk the sun beat down on his black hair and burned his eyes when he looked above his sunglasses. It felt good to be out. He felt free and un-tethered. No one was out right now, as the lunch rush had recently ended and everyone was either in school or at work. Friday afternoons, even now, felt full of adolescent potential. Still he felt somehow exposed, and passing a pub he couldn�t get himself to walk in. There was too much risk in having to engage in conversation with someone there. Across the street, though, there was a regional library. He hadn�t picked up a book in a couple weeks, and maybe he felt a little like gaining some culture. His pale skin was less than appreciative of the sun, so the retreat into the fluorescent lit, high-ceilinged library was just what the doctor ordered.
He took a deep breath when he stepped inside. All libraries smelled the same. It brought him back to when he was a kid, his mom taking him to the library on Sundays because it was one of the only places you could go for free. It always amazed him that the books were free to check out. Not like the video store, or the game store. These little gems that could transport you to another reality, out of the shit in which you lived, these, these were free.
The librarian behind the desk looked at him oddly as he stood there on the threshold, just breathing everything in. �Good morning,� he said to her, and smiled.
�Afternoon,� she corrected and pointed at the clock.
�Right.� He zipped his jacket up over the chains that hung from his neck and pocketed his sunglasses. In jeans and a nondescript black jacket, he could have been anybody. He felt anonymous, just how he wanted to be. He smiled at the patrons he passed, and they glanced up at him for just a moment before burying their noses back into their books. Joel felt at home. He went to the fiction section and picked out a book he liked. It had a calming picture on the front, of a cabin next to a serene lake at night. He had a feeling, however, the story would have some sort of sick twist in it. He didn�t think he�d get there before he had to put the book down and go back to the hotel. Problem with touring: couldn�t check out a library book. You would ever get back in time to return it.
Joel found a table that was down one of the aisles in fiction. It was the only one at which he felt sufficiently secluded. There was a girl sitting at the end of the table, and he sat down facing her way, though at the far end, so his back was to anyone walking by. She sat facing the crowds, should they show.
She was young, which was vaguely frightening, as she might be hip to who he was. She was black, with small features that indicated she was probably pretty short, with pages and pages of photocopied material in front of her. She had a pair of black-framed glasses hanging on the neck-band of her shirt as she squinted at the tiny print in front of her. For a second she looked up at him and for absolutely no reason, he winked at her. She chuckled, slightly audibly, and went back to her reading, shaking her head. Her smile was beautiful.
And Joel made an instant mental note to go to libraries everywhere he went. A group of three girls that looked like they should be in school right then came down the aisle. They were chattering about how it was awesome that seniors could leave before their last period if they had study hall then. Joel cursed in his head and tried to shrink away into nothing. His shoulders must have hunched toward his ears the way Benji said he did whenever tall guys were in the room. He closed his eyes a prolonged moment and opened them to see the girl at the end of the table looking at him. Looking between him and the teenage girls. The expression on her face was quixotic. He waffled between thinking it was pity or amusement.
Then she spoke up. �Uh, ladies, seriously, unless you�re picking up a book for school, could you go, please? I�m trying to study.�
�It�s a public library,� one of them commented.
�Be that as it may,� she said. And Joel wondered who in the hell said �be that as it may...� �I got a lot of studying to do. So could you go talk someplace else? This is a library. Go get drunk at home or something.�
�We can�t drink,� another of them said.
The young lady laughed out loud, covering her mouth when she figured she was being too loud for the library setting. �Oh, man. Right. Here,� she said, fishing in her back and producing an unopened flask of Jim Beam. �Go nuts. Invite some boys over.�
The girls hesitated, but the most bold of them reached out and grabbed the bourbon-whiskey as Joel shrunk away from where they could see. �Aww, awesome,� one of them said. �Let�s go.�
When the sound of them faded away, Joel became visibly more relaxed. The young woman glanced at him now and then, away from her work. �You okay?� she whispered.
�Yeah, I am,� he breathed. She nodded back at her work. �Thanks,� he murmured, and hoped she didn�t play dumb, and ask �what for?�
�Sure,� was her reply.
The table started shaking under his hands and he looked over at her. She stopped her leg from bouncing and cringed, then apologized. �I can�t sit still, usually.�
Joel shrugged. �Me neither.�
He studied her a moment, noting that her outfit was actually a pair of scrubs in dark blue. He imagined her as a neurosurgeon, then decided she didn�t look right in that setting. Then he imagined her seeing patients at a small health clinic somewhere, but decided she�d probably need a white doctor�s coat for that, and she didn�t seem the type to wear it. Then he imagined her as a nurse, flashing that smile he�d seen at kids who were scared to go get their shots. He smiled when he thought of that. �What are you studying?� he asked.
�Environmental Law.�
Joel�s eyebrows shot up and he smirked at her. �Oh yeah? I thought you were a nurse or something, so you�d be studying doctor stuff.�
�Well, you�re close, sort of. I�m a veterinary nurse.� Joel frowned, wondering how environmental law fit into that. �I�m looking to protect animals of all kinds, including wildlife and the endangered ones,� she clarified without him having to ask the question.
�Ah,� he replied. �Nice.� He continued reading his book for a little while, until his stomach growled.
�You sound hungry,� she commented, not even looking up.
�I forgot to eat before I left.�
�There�s a greasy spoon a couple blocks from here that makes a great potato pancake.�
Joel laughed softly. �Potato pancake?�
She glanced at him for just a moment. �They make burgers that look pretty good, but I wouldn�t know. I don�t eat red meat.�
Joel nodded, emphatically, almost mockingly. �Not me. I like sentient food.�
Something hit him hard in the knee and he looked down to see her foot pulling away from him. Green sneakers with yellow accents. Lemon-lime shoes. �You fucking kicked me,� he laughed.
�No swearing in the library.�
�No one�s kicked me since, like, junior high.�
�Did you kick their ass?�
Joel frowned and thought about it. �I�m pretty sure I got stomped.� When he looked back at her she was gathering her papers and stuffing them erratically into her bag. �What�re you doing?� He had a fleeting fear of being alone in this place without her. She was his buoy in the troubling sea of ambiguity. She could keep him honest, keep him anonymous.
�We�re going to lunch, aren�t we?�
�Uh,� Joel looked around. �Well, I dunno...�
�C�mon, man. Just put your shades on and don�t look anyone in the eye. I got you.�
�You got me? I don�t even know your name.�
�Dee,� she said, offering her hand in greeting. He took it, and then she wouldn�t let go, pulling him toward the door while he protested all the way. He dropped his book at the counter before she took him outside. Once back in the achingly bright sun, he put on his shades and hunched his shoulders. �You look like a criminal,� she said, shouldering her bag. �Just act natural.�
�Easy for you to say.�
�My ass,� she commented as they crossed the street. �I�m the only black person in this fucking neighborhood. Half the time I can�t walk down the street without getting pulled over by the cops.�
Joel grumbled in his chest. �Awesome.�
�Great we�re in the most progressive place in the country and it still happens, huh?�
A young couple walked by with a polite smile in their direction. Joel�s tension was fading the more people passed by without recognizing who he was. He wasn�t a hundred percent sure his companion even knew who he was. She�d never waited for him to offer his name before she dragged him from the library. �Thought I�d left that back east,� he said, referring to the inherent racism in the legal system.
�Yeah, me too,� she sighed. �It�s right over there.� She pointed at the diner. They did an illegal diagonal cross of the street in the middle of traffic and darted into the diner before a group of school girls got too close. At one of the back tables Joel felt even more at ease. And Dee�s company was an unexpected breath of fresh air. He grabbed her hand cross the plate of potato pancakes they were sharing, looking at the tattoo on the inside of her wrist.
�What�s this?�
�DC�s stars and bars. Duh.�
He blinked at it. She hadn�t said where she was from. But here she was, from his hometown area. �Whereat?� he asked. �In the city?�
�Nah.� She took her hand back. �Only people live in the city are either really rich or really poor. You know that.� He knew that. He hadn�t known she knew he knew that. This meant Dee knew who he was ... or she had looked down to see the DC Flag t-shirt he was wearing. She dipped a forkful of the shredded potato into a glob of ketchup and placed it in her mouth, chewing slowly. �I lived Alexandria. But there�s no way I�m getting the Virginia seal tattooed on my arm.�
Joel wrinkled his brow as he thought. �Oh, that guy with the sword, right? With his foot on the dead guy.�
�Yeah. Great seal, huh?�
�Maryland�s isn�t much better. All that gold and red; it�s really sporadic. I�m all about black-style, and yellow doesn�t keep very well in a tattoo.�
�Wouldn�t know,� she shrugged. �Yellow�s not so much an option for me, Joel.�
�So you DO know who I am!� he exclaimed, a little too loudly, so everyone sitting in the section looked over at him. �Oh shit, shit,� he whispered, shrinking against the wall, down in his seat.
Dee was tickled pink. Not that a dark woman can flush pink. But she was laughing so hard her cheeks felt hot, her belly hurt, she kicked Joel under the table. As eyes turned away from him, he felt himself beginning to laugh as well. �Oh Joel, I haven�t laughed like that in a couple years.� She took a few deep breaths to try to quiet herself.
�Sorry,� he laughed. �I � I feel like a fucking dumbass.�
�Oh no,� she chuckled. �You�re just a big nerd.�
�Hey-�
She checked her watch. �We should go. School�s out soon.�
�Where we going?� He placed a hundred dollar bill under the edge of their plate and followed Dee out of the restaurant. She moved fast, like she was an expert at reading people and their movements, knowing which way they would lean so she could get by. And she was so slight, couldn�t be much more than five feet tall, Joel felt in constant danger of losing her. She reached back and grabbed his hand when the crowd became a bit thicker, and they cut through a deserted alleyway to avoid them.
�Sorry about that,� Dee said.
�About what?� ,p>�All those people. I know you wanted to avoid all the people.� Joel pondered that a moment, realizing his people-phobia hadn�t crossed his mind. He had just been concentrating on keeping up. �I didn�t mind.� She looked up at him and smiled, the teeth seeming brilliantly white in contrast to her darker face.
At the end of the alleyway the light seemed to be different. It was orange, as the sun was setting, but something else cast it a more golden hue. When they emerged, Joel saw why. They were in a small, semi-enclosed park, where strings of yellow lights were strewn all through the trees and shrubs, shimmering on the surface of the pond that lay in the middle. �Wow,� he whispered.
They were alone.
�It gets busier later in the evening.� She glanced up at him. �You like it?�
Joel jammed his hands in his pockets and looked down at his feet, getting that hot feeling in his cheeks. He knew he was blushing. Friggin rock star and he still couldn�t help but get shy when a pretty girl looked at him. �Yeah, I really do.�
�Now, when you come back here, you�ll have a place quiet to go.�
They sat down on one of the small stone benches along the pond. The wind was getting chilly now, as it always did come evening in northern California. �Y�know, these yellow lights remind me of fireflies,� Joel said. Dee nudged his shoulder with hers. �Me too!� she laughed. �That�s exactly what I thought the first time I saw this place. I couldn�t believe they didn�t have fireflies out here. They�re so ubiquitous in the summer.�
�Ubiquitous?�
�It�s just not summer without them,� she continued, as though he hadn�t said anything. �I remember so many nights as a kid, all I did was go out and catch fireflies. I didn�t eat, I didn�t watch TV, I just stayed out till like 10 o�clock getting all of them I could in a jar.�
�Did you add a twig or two and some air-holes to the jar?� He felt her arms snake around his bicep, and she hugged against him, putting her cheek on his shoulder.
�I did,� she sighed.
�But they always died anyway, huh?�
She was silent for a moment, her lips against his shoulder now. He felt her purse her lips in thought, and he thought for a moment he had really saddened her. Joel placed his palm softly on her knee and rubbed it lightly. �They always died.�
Joel�s hand rubbed a little higher, onto her thigh, then he put it back in his lap. �How�d you find this place, anyway? It seems so secluded.�
She told him the story of how she first came out to California, hitch-hiking across country after she had gotten out of undergrad. She�d arrived here without a place to stay, or food to eat, and she had stumbled across the bakery that her current apartment was upstairs from. The owners were a nice, older couple that gave her free food every morning after the work-rush, food she had carefully rationed to keep her going all day long. It was that older couple that had shown her the secluded park/courtyard. And it had been rare that she left it once she knew it existed. The older couple, the Loniaks, had offered her the apartment above their store in exchange for working a few shifts at the store. From there she had come to make friends in the area and eventually get into grad school.
�Wow,� Joel said, after she had relayed her story.
�I�ve never been good at staying in one place. When I�m done with school, I think I�m going to go down south. Maybe to Santa Barbara or something.�
�How bout LA?� he mumbled.
�What?�
�Nothing,� he said quickly. �Nothing. Going down south sounds fun. I wish I had as much freedom as you.�
�But don�t you? You travel all the time.� She looked up at him, waited for him to look into her eyes. �Right?�
Joel shrugged, remembering the trapped feeling he�d had before he left the hotel and the press behind. �It doesn�t feel like freedom.� One of her hands snuck beneath Joel�s t-shirt to just brush his hip just above the edge of his pants. Then she wrapped her arms around his midsection to hug him.
�Joel,� she said, in a tone that dipped at the end, the same way she might have said, �aww, poor baby.� He looked down at her as she was looking up at him, and their lips met almost by no effort on either of their parts. Electricity. It was always amazing when a spark arced between two people, be it artistically, in rage, sexually or emotionally. His hands were still in his lap, not on her hips, her breasts, her lips. Her hands lay idly on the edge of his belt. If this were a typical night, with a typical conquest, his hands would be all over her, especially here in the open where anyone could see. He found it exciting. But with her it seemed inappropriate. He wanted to do it right, laying her down somewhere soft, taking time to revere her. Joel stopped, pulling his lips reluctantly from hers to rest his forehead in the crook of her neck, breathing deeply to smell a soft scent on her skin.
�Where�d you say your apartment was?�
She gestured with her head. �Right there.�
He clasped her hand in his. �Let�s go.�