"Jump Around" by House of Pain

...Is it just me or are the men inside these walls of FWF losing class, decency, and sense as the days progress? Lies, incompetence, and idle threats fill the airwaves EVERY day, and what do we do to stop it? NOTHING. We allow these men to continue. Men like Jimmy Harmon and Gary Brown just don't seem to get the point. No matter how hard we try, no matter what we say, their idiocy spreads across the world. It's like a disease, one that HITS you right where it hurts...the MIND. Ah, if only these two could produce quasi-interesting moments, then, maybe we could consider them legitimate members of the intelligent class of society, but as it stands now, these old timers have fallen victim to a thing, we like to call, Sexagenarian Syndrome. Yes, folks, its quite sad, and quite serious. Due to their ripe old ages, they fail to be able to put together sensical conversations, and make failed attempts at humor in order to amuse others, but in turn amuse themselves, and ONLY themselves. But, believe it or not, there is a cure for this, and for this week only, The Franchise will be offering it to you, for a low, low price, of being able to stand QUALITY entertainment. So, Jimmy, Gary, pay close attention this week, as we are trying to save you from living a life similar to that of Gravestone's, Big Red Scare's, and Jim Harper's. We wouldn't want that, now would we? So, in case you've forgotten from your sudden case of Alzhemier's, and for those who still haven't gotten past one syllable words, that means forgetting things, let's review. You, due to your tragic condition, fail to entertain the public, causing us to fall into a deep slumber, and so, due to the fact that he loves the public so, The Franchise will be offering you the solution to all of your problems all week long. Pay? Nothing...that's right...nothing...you merely have to be able to stand competency for 30 minutes. Do you think you can do that?...

...As the scene fades in, you can begin to make out an object of sorts, straight ahead. It's a bright white, with several, brighter lines in front of it. As the view becomes clearer, you see that it's a square, and after a few moments, it's determined that you're staring at The Franchise's multi-million dollar mansion, once again. But this time, you dare not embark inside the house, oh no. No, this time, you venture to the side of a house, where a quaint garden exists, a path, and an old wooden park bench is placed right in the middle of this bench. On this bench, he sits, wondering, thinking. His trademark black slacks flapping in the light breeze and his black stretch shirt showing off his bulging muscles. Looking up, he notices you, but doesn't smile this time. It's as if his mood has changed in a day. As his head glides to his right, you begin to hear something...a voice...his voice....

Justin: I wonder what it will take to deal with you, Jimmy. Apparently, someone has gotten to you, because, once again, you're spreading lies...lies that, in truth, tarnish myself. An annoying kid, Jimmy? Was I an annoying kid on March 28th when I took that Hardcore title from you...DAYS before Cyberslam? Was I an annoying kid when Jimmy and I personally made your life a living HELL in New Wave? Was I an annoying kid when I kidnapped you? Think Jimmy...think WAY back to FWF New Wave, when you were back to your alter-ego of Joey Goldman...think Jimmy...and remember...remember all the pain I caused you, all the headaches? I bet you've blocked that from your collective conscience, seeing as you were made out to be the JOKE that you truly are. It's alright Jimmy though, I'm not done...since when, my friend, have you beaten me? From that Hardcore Title Match...to my battles with you in New Wave...to today, you've YET to beat that "annoying kid." Sad, isn't it, Jimmy? Sad that you, the "greatest" FWF star of all time, have to spread vicious lies in order to "get over."...Now that I think about it...it's not funny...it's just sad. The fact that you need to bend the truth to make a point, is quite hillarious. It shows how PATHETIC you are, and how useless you are....rubbing goatee...You want to spread those lies, thats fine with me...call yourself the greatest of all time, demand title shots, saying you deserve them, and threaten the FWF, not to cross you, but when you start lieing about me, about The Franchise...you cross the line, and you just crossed a line that you can't go back over....Jimmy, the facts are simple Jimmy...you're not a talent...you're not a champion...but you are...A LIAR.

...Glancing back towards you, he looks peaceful, but a hatred quickly befalls his body, and his compsoure becomes restless. The violence in his eyes is quite evident, as the fires seem to rage inside them....

Justin: You, Gary, don't seem to want to accept it. You don't want to accep that the student has surpassed the teacher. Yes, I don't have as many accomplishments as you, and that's beyond question...but there's something that I have, that you don't, and that, my friend is heart. You suffer from a lack of a heart, Gary. You can't feel for others, and therefore, you fail to feel for yourself. You can't know what you feel unless you know what others do. You, Gary, have lost all desire for this game. Yes, I know that you're a "legend" and you never lose the mystical "fire", but while you may not have lost it, you've misplaced it. You've lost your love, and your way. You continue to stumble through FWF, blindly, taking out your agression on men like myself because you see this "new wave" of talent surpassing you. You think that you're a great man for doing this, don't you Gary? You think that you're "saving" the "old school," correct? When, in actuality, you're doing one thing, and that is bringing yourself down and the "legends" of the champions of the past. As you drag your own career along, scraping along the bottom of the FWF, you will quickly find yourself at a loss for words, Gary, and then, you'll understand what I was saying. You'll finally understand all of my memorable phrases, and COHERENT sentences. Then, Gary, and only then, will you realize how TRULY wrong you were...it's a journey Gary, a journey to find yourself, and the first stop is Wednesday, in Phoenix, Arizona.

...Sitting back on the chair, he wonders whether you've listened to him, whether they've listened to him. Silence spreads, and he basks in it, enjoying the cool spring breeze and the peaceful nature of his garden. Suddenly, a loud sound pierces that silence, disturbing his meditation. The sound appears again, and again, and he finally reaches down, to his pants pocket, pulling out a cell phone. Slowly, he pulls it to his ear and opens it, speaking softly....

Justin: Hello?

Andrew: Hey buddy, it's me again

Justin: Oh, yay.

Andrew: I know you're excited to hear from me again.

Justin: ...sarcastically... Oh, yeah...so, uhhh...how's that plan coming?

Andrew: Better than you'd think.

Justin: Oh? Any converts today?

Andrew: Usually, you'd think senior citizens would be dying to find salvation in their golden years, but it just isn't happening.

Justin: Oh? That's sad to hear.

Andrew: Yeah, and you know what else is weird?

Justin: What, Andrew?

Andrew: Everytime I say the word...

...Andrew hesitates, prompting Justin to speak up....

Justin: What word, Andrew?

Andrew: The L word.

Justin: What L word? There's lots of them.

Andrew: You know, the one having to do with the women, and the objects...

Justin: OHHH! THE L WORD!

Andrew: Yeah, that one.

Justin: So what happens everytime you say it?

Andrew: Well, every time I say lesbian...a loud clunk noise...OW!

Justin: What was that?

Andrew: It's what I was telling you about.

Justin: Oh?

Andrew: Yeah, ever time I say that word, I get hit over the head with a cane!

Justin: Odd.

Andrew: You think? Damn you, old people are weird. I just hope this Bush thing is worth all these bruises.

Justin: Bruises?

Andrew: Yeah, all over my head...people here in the I-Slam Mobile say there's at least 50 black and blue bumps on my head.

Justin: ...sigh... You know Andrew, those could be bad.

Andrew: Really?

Justin: Yes, Andrew, VERY bad.

Andrew: How bad?

Justin: Ever seen the movie Goonies?

Andrew: ...confused... Uhhh, yeah...

Justin: You know the really ugly, deformed guy?

Andrew: MY GOD!

Justin: I know. You should go see a doctor.

Andrew: Eh, I'm too busy now...wait a minute...he's on the move! Sorry, Justin...I've got to go!

...Justin sighs as he closes the phone, hanging up. He sits back, closing his eyes once again, and takes a deep breath. The camera fades......

...HERO...ICON...FRANCHISE...YOUR F'N ROLEMODEL...

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