Kail
How Kail Stole Christmas
Tue Dec 4 21:47:53 2001

[Since Christmas is coming up be ready for more stuff like this.]

Every merc in the SG liked Christmas a lot.
Every merc, that is, but Kail, who did not.
Kail hated Christmas. The whole Christmas season!
Now don't ask me why, no one knows the reason.
It could be that he wasn't programmed just right.
Or, perhaps, that his armor was on way too tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all
Is that his heart was two sizes too small.

But whatever the reason, his armor or his head,
He sat on Christmas Eve wishing Santa was dead.
And even locked all alone in his room
He knew it was coming, like impending doom.
For every other merc, above an beneath,
Was singing and hanging a mistletoe wreath.

"They're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
His claw tipped fingers began nervously drumming.
"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"

For tomorrow he knew all the merc girls and merc boys
Would wake up bright and early to rush for their toys.
And then, oh the noise. The noise, noise noise!
What merc, after getting their shiny new gun,
Wouldn't fire it off just to have a little fun?

And then the mercs, both young and old, would sit down to a feast.
They'd feast, and they'd feast, and they'd feast, feast, feast!
(Which is something that Kail could not stand in the least.)

And then they'd do something he liked least of all.
Every merc in the SG, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand and then they'd start singing.
And the more Kail thought of how they would sing
The more he would say "I must stop this whole thing!"

The turning of wheels in his head then began
And Kail The Destroyer came up with a plan.
"I know just what I'll do!" he growled in his throat,
Then made a quick Santa Claus hat and a coat.
And he laughed and snarled "What a nasty trick!
"With this hat and this coat they'll think I'm Saint Nick!"

I'll still need a reindeer... Kail thought as he frowned.
But since reindeer are scarce there were none to be found.
But did that stop the dark reploid? No! Guess what he said.
"If I can't find a reindeer I'll make one instead!"
So he found Jumpy and a good length of thread
And tied a big horn to the maniac's head.
"Splah!" exclaimed a surprised Jumpy
But said nothing more because Kail seemed so grumpy.

Then the Dark Reploid tied Jumpy to a sleigh
And yelled "Giddyap! I must make them all pay!"

All the windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the mercs in the SG were asleep without care.
"Now into the barracks!" the evil Claus hissed
Then slunk down the chimney, empty bags in his fist.
Inside he found merc stockings hanging all in a row.
"These stocking" he snarled "are the first things to go!"

He slithered and crept, with intentions most unpleasant,
Around the whole room and took every last present.
Roller blades! Stereos! Games and guns!
Books! Clothes! And even some drums!
He stuff them in bags, very swift and nimbly,
And stuffed the bags one by one up the chimney.

Then he lurked to the icebox and took the merc's feast.
He stole the turkey, the chicken, and every other beast.
Nothing escaped the dark reploid's gaze.
Even from the freezer he took the ice trays.
He stuffed the food up the chimney with glee.
"And now" Kail laughed "I will stuff up the tree!"

So he grabbed the tree and started to shove
When behind came the sound of.......a 12-guage, double barrel shotgun being racked.
"Santa Claus?!?" Neutron exclaimed. "I almost blew off your head.
"uh...what are you doing?" he finaly said.

But that Kail was so sly and so slick
That he thought up a lie and he thought one up quick.
"Why, my good man," the fake Santa lied
"There's a light on this tree that won't like on one side.
I'll fix it at my workshop, then bring it back here.
And when I return I'll bring you some beer."
Neutron was fooled and went back to his bed
With visions of beer dancing in his head.

Then up the chimney went Kail, the big liar,
but just after taking the log for the fire.
And the one speck of food that was left in the house
Was a crumb, even too small for a mouse.
Then he did the same thing at other merc's houses,
leaving crumbs far too small for event their mouses.

By dawn Kail was back in his quarters, and humming.
"By now they all know that no Christmas is coming!
"They're just waking up and I know what they'll do.
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"And then they'll all cry 'Boo-hoo! Boo-hoo!"

"Thats a noise" grinned Kail "that I simply must hear."
So he opened his window and put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low, then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn't sad! Why, it sounded merry!
Imposible...but true! It was merry! Very!

So Kail ran from his room to outside.
Fast, for it now was a matter of pride.
And then he couldn't beleive his eyes
for what he saw was a shocking surprise.

Every merc in the SG, both tall and small,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
He hadn't stopped Christmas from coming. It came!
Somehow or other it came just the same!

And Kail, with his black boots growing cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling. "How could it be so?
"It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he thought and pondered till his mind had grown sore.
Then the Dark Reploid thought of something he hadn't before
"Maybe Christmas..." he thought "doesn't come from a store."
"Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more..."

And what happened then? Well, in the SG they say
That Kail's small heart grew three sizes that day.
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight
He whizzed with the bags through the bright morning light.
He gave back all the presents, as merry as a priest.
And then he himself even joined in for the feast.

Neutron
HAHAHAHAHA
Tue Dec 4 22:03:25 2001

I feel the need to add on to this, cuz Newty never did get his beer...

Then Neutron, quite sad that he'd not had his beer
Walked over to Kail and grabbed his black ear.
"Now listen to me" the enraged Neutron shouted.
"I must have my beer, I can't go on without it!
You'll bring me the beer you had promised right now!
Or I'll rip of your head and use it for a plow!"

And so Kail the Destroyer, his ears still a-ringing
Was kicked from the table, his Reploid brain stinging.
He went to the store and he bought a six-pack
And he then bought another, for on the way back.

And when he arrived and gave Neutron the sixer
The CO assigned Kail the job "Toilet Fixer."
And that is where Kail can be found to this day
Fixing the toilets that have been thrown away.