Kail
This Year's Christmas Post
Thu Dec 26 2002 1:26:39 am
66.25.250.122

NRP - Last Christmas I wrote several funny posts and I meant to do it this year, but have just been too busy to do so. Also for a long time I've been meaning to writing something new involving Crazy Eddie, but haven't been able to think of anything to do with him.

In this post I kill two birds with one stone. For this Christmas I have whipped up something that is particularly weird and perverse and hopefully humorous. (But I haven't written an RP post in many weeks and have to warn you that I am extremely tired right now so it may end up being stupid deranged gibberish.)

RP -

Even at night, Cross felt half naked without his black shades on. However, on this night (Christmas Eve) he felt half naked for a different reason all together. He really was. He stood there beside a beautifully decorated christmas tree wearing nothing but a red and green thong. On the front of the thong was embroidered the words "Eat Me".

The blonde reploid gritted his teeth. He couldn't beleive he'd agreed to do this, but he really needed the money. He'd only gotten a puny thousand for the last mission and that was already spent (on booze and gambling). So, despite his annoyance, Cross said his lines.

"In life you were my partner..." he muttered, trying to remember what came next. "...Why have you now come to haunt me, spirit?"

A few feet away, standing beside the fireplace decorated with stockings, stood Flux. The kid was dressed in wrapping paper and ribbons.

"Tonight you will be visited by three ghosts." Flux declared in perfect theatrical form. "Expect the first one in you bedchamber at the stroke of midnight. Be ye warned."

"CUT!!!" a voice yelled out from the other side of the room. Crazy Eddie stepped out from behind the video camera's tripod and stormed over to them. "What was that? 'Be ye warned'? That isn't in the script. Who gave you permission to adlib?"

Flux shrugged up at Eddie. "I thought it would sound good."

"You thought?" Eddie scoffed. "You're the actor. I'm the director/writer/cameraman/sometimes-grip. Its MY job to think. Its YOUR job to feel."

"Yeah, whatever." the kid muttered. "I don't see why I'm in this scene anyway."

"Look, this is my ponro version of A Christmas Carol and in my porno version Tiny Bone, son of Bob Crotchitch, is the one to warn about the ghosts." Eddie replied, but the truth was that using a little kid as much as possible would get him a ton of sales to pedefiles. Now if he coule only work in some bestiality with reindeer...

Flux pulled one of the bows off the top of his head, saying "This game isn't fun anymore. I'm gunna go find something else to do."

"NO!" Eddie shouted. "If you leave now then you won't get the cookies I promised you."

Flux breathed a moody sigh before giving in with a short "Fine."

"He's getting cookies?" Cross broke in jealously. "How come I don't get any cookies?"

Crazy Eddie replied "Because you agreed to do this as soon as I told you the main character would get sex scenes with the three female ghosts."

"Yeah, but I thought Maq was gunna play the Ghost of Christmas Past, Kirisu was gunna be Christmas Present, and Wraith would be Christmas Future." Cross grumbled. "I didn't know you were just gunna find three female midgets."

Eddie glared coldly. "Hey, they're the only ones I could get to do it. You should be glad they're even female. Now, if you two are finished complaining, I'd like to finish shooting this scene."

Cross and Flux got back in their places, and Eddie shouted "EBENEZER SCREW , scene 3 , take 16." then moved back behind the camera.

The blonde reploid in the thong took a moment to remember his lines, then poorly acted them. "In life you were my partner...Why have you now come to haunt me, spirit?"

But before Flux could reply, a cloud of black soot erupted from the fireplace and a fat man dressed in red rolled out. His great beard was snowy white, he carried a large sack with him, and his stomach jiggled like a bowl full of jelly. It was Santa Claus.

"Ho, ho, h-!" the fat man began to laugh merrily, but stopped when he saw that the room was occupied.

"CUT! CUT!! CUT!!!" Crazy Eddie shouted, storming back over to that side of the room (spewing prophanity the whole way). "Who are you and what are you doing on my set? Speak up, tubby!"

"Why, I'm Santa Claus." the fat man answered. "I'm delivering presents to all the good children of the world. You should be in bed right now, little boy."

Cross blinked. "Uh...we ain't kids, Santa. We're replicant humanoids belonging to the elite mercenaries unit known as the Freelance Reploids. The only kid around here isFlux. Don't be fooled by those chicks in the next room They ain't kids either. Those're just midgets."

It was at that time that Chris Cringle spotted Crazy Eddie's camcorder on the other side of the room. "Uh oh. That thing isn't running, is it?"

"It is recording, actually." Eddie answered angrily. "And the more film I waste on these little interuptions the more money it costs m-"

"Oh, thats not good. Not good at all" the fat man muttered. "You see, it is forbidden for Santa Claus to ever be photographed. I'm afraid that now I have to kill you all." And with that, Jolly Old Saint Nick reached into his magic sack and pulled out a Chinese model AK-47.

"WHOA, WHOA!" Eddie shouted, then started trying to talk the fat man down. "Take it easy there, Cringle. Easy, man. Just cool out. Put the gun down and lets talk about this."

"There's nothing to talk about." Saint Nick replied, inserting a banana clip into the assault rifle.

"Sure there is. Maybe we could come to some sort of an arrangement."

Santa aimed the AK-47. "You have nothing I want."

"Surely you want something..." Eddie stammered, starting to panic. "Hey, how'd you like to be a movie star?"

Santa hesitated. "A...movie star?"

"Tell me, are you comfortable with very very short people?"

"Why, sure." Santa lowered his gun. "I work with elves all year round."

Crazy Eddie smiled widely. "Perfect."

It is late night at the North Pole, and Santa's voice fills the empty toy workshop "Well its a cold arctic night, and Mrs. Claus is nowhere to be found. Whatever could one do to stay warm on a night like this...and entertained?"

Suddenly Santa steps into view. The fat man is wearing a studded leather bondage outfit. His snowey white beard is sticking out of a leather bondage mask. In his right hand is his sleigh whip. Is his other hand is... a kind of toy that they don't make in the workshop.

Santa laughs, causing his hairy stomach to jiggle like a bowl full of jelly, and the bells on his nipple clamps to jingle loudly. "Ho, ho, ho!"

"You called, master?" three voices instantly reply. They belong to a trio of midget women dressed trashier than hookers at the other end of the workshop.

"Yes!" Cringle bellows at the midgets. "I was wondering if you three would care for a mouthful of my extra creamy eggnog."

"Certainly."

The fat man cracks his whip. "But first bring me a reindeer. It doesn't matter which one. I'm gunna do things to it that'll make its nose blink red, Rudolf or not."

NRP - I just know bad things are going to happen to me for writing this. Me go pass out now.