The Clown Prince of the SG
A Christmas Kail
Tue Dec 25 00:55:46 2001

[NOTE - This is a parody of A Christmas Charol. It was written poorly and in a big hurry, but I just wanted to flesh out the idea. Whoa...I think I just heard Charles Dickens roll over in his grave.]

A group of mercs had gathered just outside of the SG's mess hall to sing carols. They were so full of the Christmas spirit that they ignored the bitter december cold of that night, but despite their levity and cheer they all scattered when they saw Kail coming out of the mess hall. Only a single merry-maker stayed in the dark reploids path with a wide grin on his face and a santa hat on his head.

"Merry Christmas, Kail!" said the young merc, whose name was Trigger.

The dark reploid merely grabbed the well-wisher's santa hat, pulled it down over his eyes then shoved him to the ground. He did this without even breaking stride, and saying "Like I have time to wag my jaw with you primates."

Upon his arrival at the SG barracks Kail noticed the moon looming wierdly overhead, casting strange and tortured shadows at every angle. All was silent and bleak, and he was glad when he closed and locked the door of his quarters behind him.

That night, just before retiring, the dark reploid heard a noise as of a dozen chains being drug slowly and at intervals. The mercenary instantly grabbed his plasma cannon and investigated. To his surprise he found a large brown reploid standing in the midst of his quarters. This intruider looked haggard and weighted down by chains, and was not just any reploid. It was Grox, Kail's old partner (who had been dead for some time).

"Who are you?" Kail asked, due to the amnesia explained in his stats.

The brown intruider shambled forward, saying "In life you knew me as your partner, Grox."

"You've seriously let yourself go."

"I've come to warn you..." the tormented reploid moaned as his chains rattled. "You will be visited by three ghosts! You must change your evil ways or you will be doomed to wander the afterlife in pain as I am!"

Kail pointed his plasma cannon right at the intruider's head. "Want me to help you take your mind of that pain? And don't worry, when your three friends show up I'll send them to the afterlife to join you."

With that the dark reploid fired a shot, but the plasma burst past right through the intruider who was now revealed to be a ghost.

"YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!" Grox moaned loudly, then vanished.

Kail through out the bottles of liquire that he kept in his quarters then went to bed. Soon, though, he was roused from his sleep by sounds coming from the living room of his quarters. He went to investigate, this time with his beamsaber, but this time found a huge fat man in a robe sitting on his favorite leather couch eating a turkey leg.

"Sunova...not another one!" Kail snarled. "At least the last one was clean. I've seriously got to get my lock fixed."

"Greetings, Kail who is called The Destroyer!" bellowed the jolly fat man, then he took another sloppy bite of turkey leg before continueing. "I am the Ghost of Christmas Past come to show you how you've squandered you previous days on this world."

"Whatever. If you stain my coutch then things are gunna get very...unpleasant." the dark reploid said through grit teeth. Suddenly Kail found himself and the fat man standing in a large, expensively furnished room. In a corner by the window stood a lavishly decorated Christmas tree with countless presents beneath it. Suddenly the double doors to the room burst open and a half-dozen children ran in followed by their parents who both wore silk robes.

"This is the mansion of Harley Warren, a wealthy human, and his family on Christmas morning five years ago." the ghost said gravely. "Do not worry, they cannot see or hear you."

The merry children began opening their gifts and thanking their parents after each one. Suddenly a reploid in black armor crashed into the room through the window, knocking over the tree. He then drew out his blood-red beamsaber and stalked over to a speechless Harley Warren, kicking children out of his patch. The frightened tots ran from the room screaming as their father begged for his life, but that didn't stop the dark reploid from slashing the poor man in half from shoulder to hip.

"You had just left Sigma, and had been hired by a greedy businessman to assassinate his rival in the company." the ghost said soberly with his head down. "It was for some quick cash that you killed this innocent man in from of his children on Christmas morning. What do you have to say about that?"

"Bah humbug." the dark reploid shot back sarcasticaly. "He probably had it coming."

Instantly Kail found himself back in his quarters, but the ghost was gone.

A little after midnight Kail heard another noise in his quarters. This time he ran into the room and threw a punch at the intruider just to see what would happen. His fist went right through the specter.

"Didn't the other tell you that you can't hurt me, you silly goose?" the intruider said, but this one wasn't like the others. This one was wearing leather pants and a silk shirt that was half open to show gold chains and a hairy chest. This along with his limp wrists made him look extremely gay. "I am the Fairy of Christmas Present."

"They said you were going to be a ghost, not a fairy."

The winged specter replied "Well they were wrong then, weren't they."

"Fine." Kail snarled. "Lets just get this over with."

"Fantabulous!" the fairy said, then snaps his well manicured fingers.

The dark reploid and the spirit stood in the small quarters of a rookie merc. Also in the quarters was several trainees busily wrapping gifts to give out in the morning.

"So this is going on right now?" Kail asked.

The fairy nodded. "Yer siree. See how merry your fellow mercs are just two floors below you."

"Eat me, tinkerbell." the dark reploid hissed, then started watching what the trinees were doing.

One of the female mercs finished wrapping a gift then placed a bow on it. "There. Do you think Jesse will like what I got him?"

"I'm sure he will." said another rookie. "But I don't know many of the veterans so I can't say. I ended up just getting most of them gift certificates."

"Hey Trigger," someone called out, "Whats in that one that you're wrapping now?"

"Its a special present for Kail." Trigger answered.

Half the room gasped, and someone actual said what they were all thinking "You're actually gunna give something to that guy?"

"Yeah." Trigger said reluctantly, looking up at them. "I mean, c'mon...its Christmas. You know?"

"You see?" the fairy said to Kail. "Even after how you treated Trigger, that boy still has the kindness in his heart to give you a gift."

The dark reploid crossed his arms, saying "Shouldn't you be somewhere getting sodomized or something?" To which the fairy gave a very femanine gasp and Kail found himself standing alone in his quarters again.

Expecting the third ghost, Kail waited on his favorite black leather couch for the spirit to arrive. Yet he was genuinely surprised when it did show up because it was dressed in flowing black robes like the Grim Reaper.

Kail took his place beside the silent spirit, ready for the final journey, and only uttered "Nice outfit."

At first the dark reploid could not identify the place at which he stood with the ghost due to its desolation, but after a while he recognized the smouldering, burnt out buildings and knew that he was in the midst of the SG. The compound had been ravaged almost as badly as when Nemesis destroyed it, and all around him only blackened ruins remained. Nearby, at what was once the edge of the compound, a cemetery had been made and dozens of makeshift crosses marked the final resing places of what seemed to be all of the mercs.

"Who had done this?" Kail asked the spirit, enraged.

The ghost still did not speak, but rather pointed a black-gloved finger. Kail looked and saw him approach. The mage wore massive armor that was both great and terrible, and did not walk bur rather floated through the air. Of massive size was this wizard, and nine balls of blazing energy revolved through the air around him as he hovered. Obviously a megalomaniacal parody of the solar system, with this evil sorcerer portraying himself as the lifegiving sun.

Kail wanted to question the ghost further, but before he could a half-dozen reploids burst from the ruins. They all appeared to be the rag-tag rabble that remained of the SG's mercs. Leading them was Maq, though she looked much more mature than Kail had ever seen her and a scar curved across her left cheek along with some other battlescars and a general look of weariness. "Remember the fallen!" she cried in a way totally unlike how he knew her to be.

The battle did not last long. The rabble of mercs were young and innexperianced, their weapons doing nothing to the mighty sorcerer, and despite Maq's surprisingly fierce leadership and her own magic the mercs failed. They all perished when the wizard unleashed his wrath upon them.

"If it is in your power," Kail snarled to the ghost, "then make me physical in this world so that I may avenge my comrades! Let me send those responsible for this slaughter to their graves!!!"

But the spirit remained silent.

"You were right, my friend." The sorcerer said as he levitated. "There were still a few left here to resist me."

"When have I ever given you false information?" Asked someone from the shadows of the ruins. The speaker then stepped out to reveal himself. It was Kail. His armor was trimmed with gold and he wore the black cape with crimson interior that he had not worn since his villanous days, but the dark reploid certainly recognized himself.

Instantly Kail realised what had happened. When this nameless enemy had risen against the mercs of the SG he must have realised the evil wizard's power and decided to switch sides rather than die in futile resistance. Kail could not beleive himself possible of such betrayal.

"And now, friend Kail..." the mage said, raising an armored hand toward the future dark reploid. "I'm afraid that the time has come for you to join your old compatriots." With that, an energy blast erupted from the wizard's palm that obliterated the future Kail.

The real Kail turned to the ghost franticaly. "Tell me, spirit, is this nightmare a glimpse of the unalterable future or only a vision of what may come to pass? Tell me that it isn't too late to prevent this. SPEAK, GHOST!"

But answer did not come. Only darkness.

Kail awoke in his bed with bright morning light streaming in through the window. For a while he lay wondering if what had happened had all been some series of strange dreams, but whatever it was he lept from his bed when he realized that it was Christmas morning.

"I haven't missed it!" the dark reploid laughed as he looked at the time and saw that it was still early yet. He put on his armor quickly, then dashed off to the SG giftshop (Crazy Eddie loves money so much that he keeps it open 24 hours a days even on holidays).

An hour later almost all of the mercs of the SG were in the large commons area, gathered around the collosal christmas tree. Around its warm glow and the laughter of friends they exchanged gifts and celebrated. For most of them, their fellow mercs were the only family that they had.

"Wow, thanks Bruiser." Maq said after opening a presents. "A bikini. Just what I needed." She then tossed it onto the pile of the others she had gotten that morning (a dozen in all, along with tanning lotion and a couple copies of the Kama Sutra).

Normally Neutron would have been making a death list of all of all the people to give his sister such gifts (and checking it twice), but he was too busy playing with his cool new guns (which almost everyone had gotten him, along with yearlong subscriptions to 'Guns and Ammo' and 'Soldier of Fortune').

Suddenly Kail burst into the room and roared angrily "Whats this I head about the mess hall being closed?"

"It's Christmas." one of the young female mercs squeaked.

"La-de-freakin-da." the dark reploid sneared, in a way that made the female merc shrink away. "Where do you people expect me to get my breakfast???"

"Uh, you know you got some presents." one of the rookies said, handing Kail a box.

The dark reploid used his gauntlet blades to cut the top of the box off then peered inside it. A long moment of silence passed before he uttered "Alright," Kail said, sticking his hand into the box and pulled out a lump of coal. "Who's the comedian that just comitted suicide?"

Reluctantly the merc named Trigger, who was still wearing his santa hat, raised his hand and said "I am. I'm sorry, it was just a joke. I thought it would be funny."

"No," the dark reploid hissed, approaching the rookie. "THIS is funny..." And with that Kail took the santa hat off of Trigger's head and put it on (which did look rather funny on Kail's raven-black hair), and then the most unexpected thing of all happened: Kail threw open the doors to the large commons and a flood of presents poured into the room.

And so, Kail the Destroyer ended up actually being merry and giving a gift to every single merc in the SG. Though, they all didn't understand what he had meant when he had said "THIS is funny" until they opened their presents and found that each and every one of them had been given a Kail T-Shirt from the SG gift shop.

[NOTE - Which, by the way, is the best gift anyone can get or receive for any occasional. Pick one up today!]